AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I do find it strange. I remember my late DH saying that we must be really nice to our DC’s partners as he couldn’t bear it if they broke off contact. In the DH’s place I’d just say’OK, sure, I understand, bring her along’ Why should that be so difficult?

I'm not the one with the bee in my bonnet. You keep saying "vast majority" but without evidence, it's just an opinion.
As I said, nearly a quarter of educated women don't have children now. If you have a counter-stat to evidence that none of them get married, I look forward to you providing it.

Perhaps the PILs should take the OP on her own as she’s responsible for it?

I actually find the idea of parents organising a celebratory dinner for their 40 year old DS bizarre and quite infantilising personally. I can’t imagine either of our families even thinking about doing it.

If my DH or I wanted a celebration of a promotion or any other event we would want to plan it ourselves and invite the people we’d like to celebrate with us.

My inlaws wouldn't even invite DH out for any sort of meal and not include me in the invite. They'd find it shockingly rude.
He does see them without me, he'll pop round to visit etc, but for anything less casual it's definitely spouses included.

I know many married couples without children. In fact they are the ones who've now been married knocking on 30 years whereas all the ones with kids I know are divorced

Amazing 😂

So did your hubby ring her?????

I’m going to be honest, I couldn’t continue reading on. The way you were going on about yourself essentially being solely responsible for your husband’s promotion was painful to read.

To me, it was pretty obvious why you may not have been invited to the celebratory dinner.

I’m not trying to be unpleasant, I’m just being honest.

And I’m rarely ever on the side of a MIL.

I’m glad you finally came to that conclusion, though.

More than with children, though?
I'm not doubting that they may be happier, though. 😁
Got to be honest, the ones without children are in the minority amongst those I know.

Oh well in that case that’s proven then, if it’s your experience 🙄

You seem very invested in people having kids and judging those who don’t. That’s probably why your circle has kids - the happily childfree will feel the judgement from miles away!

Crikey which bit of the ones without kids being happier did you miss?
An observation is not a moral judgement!

You keep on about your partnership and sacrifice without elaborating, are you saying your career prospects were put on the back burner and you supported him financially so he could reach his full potential in his chosen field, surely as you have no children then he could have achieved this new career high with or without you!!, this seems to be the main issue you have more than being excluded from the invite

You are making a moral judgement though - you called children ‘an essential component’ of marriage. That is a judgement, it is certainly not a fact.

People tend to surround themselves with similar people. The fact that everyone you know seemingly has children is irrelevant.

In YOUR opinion, children are apparently essential. A lot of people do not feel that way.

Your comment about no sacrifice if no children are involved is hilarious.

and if those without children are happier, why would you still think that children are an essential part of marriage?

It sounds like mummy martyrdom - ‘I know having children will make me less happy but I will do it as its essential’ 🤣

Yes more than with children Definitely amongst my friendship group

Same. People gravitate to those similar to them.

Same for me, most though not all of my friends have DC. The majority are still married, and quite a few are grandparents now. (I am in my late 50s!)

If you read my comment properly you'd realise that I was referring to traditional marriage - which OP - not me-seemed to be going on about with her - in my opinion somewhat nauseating - 'two flesh become one' comment and that children are very much are a feature of this biblical narrative of marriage and given her view - which is very trad wife- I'm wondering where's the kids, then?

Personally I do not give a fig about other people's marriages. Have kids, don't have them but if somebody is in trad wife mode - which is the way I perceive OP to be- I'd expect there to be children.

Having said that, I do stand by my view that unless a couple - married or cohabiting for that matter - have children it's really difficult to see as to how one of the couple has made sacrifices so that the other could shine in their career.
It's not as if they had to give up work themselves.

You've projected the whole tradwife thing onto the OP though, on the basis of one sentence. Plus you have no idea why they have a childfree/childless marriage - it's not by choice for everyone, which would make the point quite cruel really.

And there are plenty of other ways to sacrifice, such as giving up one's own job to facilitate a move for work, leaving behind friends and family. Moving countries. Taking on all of the housework, cooking and household organisation to allow the spouse to work long hours and concentrate fully on their job. Enduring long absences if they have to travel for work. Doing their books because they have ADHD and get overwhelmed with paperwork.

You can influence your spouse positively - say you're well travelled and they never considered taking a job outside their home city. Your views and experience will rub off and broaden their horizons and their aspirations.

There's loads more if you apply a bit of imagination, but these are the ones I can think of based on various couples I know.

What did your MIL say when your Husband rang her, OP?

FWIW, I do think it's rude to not invite the spouse when it's a celebration, particularly if the Husband has specifically said he wants her there.

I want to celebrate my husband. I realized I was way over the top saying his success was due to me but I realize that was a way cocky mindset to have. Sure I won’t deny I supported him throughout the process but regardless of if I was in the picture or not he still would have gotten promoted.

Have you made it clear to your in-laws that you were being cocky and that you were wrong (fair play for admitting it btw, many wouldn’t!)?

OP you’ve had a lot of negativity on this thread and yet you’ve stuck with it and tried hard to answer fairly.

IMO you are absolutely not being unreasonable, you should be a part of any celebration for your husband. I have a son in his 40s and wouldn’t ever contemplate not inviting DIL along to anything, let alone something really important like this.

I hope your DH sticks to his guns and doesn’t bow to the pressure from ‘mummy’.

Hi. Can I ask what you’re getting out of putting another woman down for two solid days? Do you have children yourself?