AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

That's untrue though. Being married isn't synonymous with having children, and having children isn't synonymous with being married. It's got nothing to do with the situation.

Are your PIL wealthy OP? Maybe they wanted to treat your DH to a fancy meal but can’t really afford to cover your meal too (or don’t think they should). Would you feel put out if they had just bought your DH a gift like a watch? Would you have expected a gift too, or something that you could both benefit from? It sounds like this is a one off, and they are probably equally as baffled as to why they aren’t allowed to take their son out for a nice meal. I guess if neither of you are prepared back down on principle then ultimately they can’t force him to go so you will win. But it does seem like you are making a big deal out of it, and not prepared to at least try to see it from a different perspective, or just let it go this one time. There are a lot worse things going on in families, and your DHs promotion, which should be a happy occasion, is now being overshadowed by a potential family fall out.

Obviously nobody needs to be married to have children but those that do marry usually have children.
Why some other posters have jumped on this as being a controversial statement, I just don't know. It's just a fact.

People marry because they love each other and want to build a life together, generally. That life may or may nor include children.
If you have the statistics to hand that indicate the percentage of married couples, I'd be interested to see them though.

Nearly a quarter of university-educated women in the UK will never have children, at present. Now clearly not all of them will get married, but many will, so that makes it not exactly a rarity to have a childless marriage, or long-term partnership.

I think it’s pretty obvious why you haven’t been invited to the celebratory dinner:

”I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.”
^^
“like they're overlooking my part in his success.”
^^
“Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that.”
^^
“He told his mom he won’t go to a celebratory dinner that excludes his wife when his wife is the main reason he was able to get to where he was.”
^^
“This was a job promotion as a kid sure but he hasn’t lived with his parents in 20 years so to be blunt yes this wasn’t a support from his parents but has a lot more to do with his wife than his parents.”
^^
“but are conveniently overlooking the part in my post where he uses his big boy words to say, “mom I want my wife invited as she was an integral part of my life for many years as my wife and without her as my number one support I might not have gotten to where I am in my career.”

And these quotes are just from the first couple of your posts.

Did your husband have any hand at all in his own promotion?

They clearly want to celebrate their son’s achievements, without it being made all about you.

They are entitled to do that and your husband is entitled to their acknowledgment of his hard work without you interjecting every second or so like “but what about me, don’t forget about me, it’s all down to me. Me, me, me”.

Back off and let them have this moment together. You sound utterly exhausting.

Why people marry is neither here nor there. The fact is the vast majority of couples who marry will have children. That life they want to build usually will include children.
I take it that you know what the word usually means?
Either they'll have kids first, then marry or get married before having them. I don't know I don't really care.

Look I don't care about this fact. Really I couldn't give a damn about it.
If you've a bee in your bonnet about this then I say respectfully that it has nothing to do with me.
I'm not going to argue it further.

yes exactly! Thank you for articulating my points much better than me. I couldn’t quite find the words since I felt so attacked and cornered but that’s what I meant by sacrifices. Again I understand now that was a poor choice of words and that I didn’t sacrifice anything and that regardless if I was in the picture or not my husband still would have received the promotion but what I meant more was the ups and downs of marriage is a team happiness or a team sadness I didn’t mean team in the literal sense that I got a promotion too. But when an exciting thing happens to a spouse it’s exciting for both involved same if it was something very sad that happened it would be a sad thing for both spouses involved because that’s what marriage is a partnership and celebrating the good and bad together. I know at the end of the day my husband getting his promotion was 100% due to his hard work but it doesn’t mean I didn’t give any support.

You should have read more than the first few posts…

You are the one with the outdated and really judgemental opinion 🤷‍♀️

And you sound really unpleasant and a bully. No, the OP doesn’t sound exhausting, you’re just determined to interpret everything about her as negatively as possible. Why is that?

Not wealthy and not poor I would say middle class but that’s the thing though isn’t it? It’s odd to invite just one half of a married couple to a dinner celebrating them and only pay for one. To me in this type of circumstance you are a social unit. Again when his mom and my husband go out for just a casual lunch or coffee and his mom treats that makes sense but to go to a fancy dinner invite just their son bc they supposedly can’t afford their DIL (or don’t want to pay) that’s tacky at best and rude at worst.

Not the person you quoted but I’m guessing it’s because she is making his promotion about her

That’s your opinion.

I clearly don’t agree with you.

To me, the OP does sound exhausting.

And I’m not interpreting anything negatively. I’ve quoted the OP in her own words from her first 5 or 6 posts.

I imagine the rest of her posts are along the same lines.

Her husband’s parents are entitled to want to celebrate their son’s achievements without the entire dinner revolving around the OP and her “sacrifices”.

I’m trying to imagine a woman’s family wanting to take her to dinner to celebrate her achievements, but her husband causing issues because he wasn’t invited because he “was the main reason she was able to get to where she was”.

Are you taking on board that people are getting the impression that you are making his achievement about you and your ‘sacrifices’?

It’s hard to get a handle just from people posting but if (and you may not be) you are like that in real life, perhaps that is why on this occasion they would rather celebrate with your husband only.

I agree with @LizzieW1969 , you sound awful.

Agree! As for the bizarre side conversation going on…

If you continued reading on you would see he come to realize I was over the top with saying my husband got the promotion due to my support and I clarified what I meant and realized that it was over the top.

I don’t get that impression at all, just that she’s feeling the need to defend herself against some of the ridiculous criticism she’s come under on this thread. Some of it has been very unkind.

Or maybe not that surprising when you take into account a lot of the regular MIL complaints on here.

OP, do you wanted to be invited because you want to also be celebrated, or because you want to celebrate your husband?

Only 32 pages in before the age old line of what if it was a woman was pulled out. This has nothing to do with gender. It’s rude to exclude someone’s spouse from a celebration for their own spouse

So what did you MIL say when your husband rang her?

Doing a lot of imagining which you wouldn’t have had to if you had read the thread…

She’s not preventing him from going, he doesn’t want to go without his wife. He told his mother that before OP even knew this was going on.

Exactly. That’s something she made up as another stick to beat the OP with.

Some nasty people on this thread OP. I think the majority of people all over the planet would think that leaving the wife of the person being celebrated out of a family meal is a really awful thing to do.