AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Agree. So many nasty trolls

Totally agree

Not saying you're wrong there, just offering a possibility of what her issue may be. The trouble is that you entrenching yourself in your position and MIL entrenching herself in hers is not going to solve anything going forwards. Sometimes, it's better to take the high road and avoid getting bogged down in a family feud. I would suggest DH goes gently when he calls her, she may then open up to what the issue really is.

I agree.
So distasteful.
She must be so hurt by her MIL's strange behaviour.
I doubt I would go at this stage, as her MIL has thrown shade on the whole evening.
Let her husband crack on if he likes.
Such petty behaviour from her MIL.
She could have included the OP on the night and even suggested another evening with just the 3 of them.
It really doesn't sound as if the OP would have minded in the least.

if I was controlling he wouldn’t have gotten a promotion in the first place and see his mother alone once a month and his father every other week and his friends. Those things are not an indicator of a controlling partner. And again the move would be because of his promotion so it would be his choose. If this was really a concern of his mom’s I highly doubt she would text me individually to discuss mundane things like movies and tv shows and to see how my life is and to just vent about fist world problems etc. She wouldn’t say she loves me like a daughter. She just wouldn’t and I think this issue wouldn’t be brought up 15 years after we live together. She also has plenty of opportunities to bring it up such as during their mother son coffee/lunch dates

So even suggesting a theoretical reason why a mother might have concerns is now deletion worthy.
I didn't say that was what was going on, only offering a potential reason in response to OP asking what a mother could possibly want to discuss with her own child without their spouse listening.

Ok.

It's a cost thing. They want a super fancy meal for three rather than a fancy meal for four.

I was speaking hypothetically. I was in a round about way accused of “taking him away from his support system” so that’s a possible reason his mother wanted to have this dinner alone to see if he really wanted to move or say I was forcing her precious baby boy to move. And I was making the point of saying well if anything it would be me who would be the one “forced” to move (not that I would feel forced but you get what I mean) since the move would be because of HIS job promotion so that theory didn’t make sense.

Well then if you can’t afford both you can’t afford either. That’s not excuse to cut someone out. That’s like people who go out to eat and say well I didn’t tip bc I couldn’t afford to, well guess what? Then you can’t afford to go out to eat either.

That’s definitely the vibe I’m getting that it’s weird to actually want to be included alongside your spouse for their own celebratory dinner and it’s his mother how dare you disrespect her she should always come first bc she loves him unconditionally. But it’s funny how the same tune isn’t sung when it comes to the mother respecting the wife’s position in her son’s life. I have never seen so many arguments at once stating that a nearly 40 year old man should prioritize and view his mother as more important than his wife. It’s like you said like people are expected to hate their spouse or something. The view I always understand it as is once you’re married you create your own family unit and they come first.

I do agree with my DH not going in guns blazing when he calls his mom and to gently ask her what’s going on and state that I’m hurt bc she hasn’t responded to my text and doesn’t usually exclude me but for him to mad sure he doesn’t come across to his mom as accusatory

The other thing I want to add that is odd is that if we reverse it and a MIL were to post that her and her husband are taking their married son out to dinner to celebrate his promotion but not inviting his wife he has been with since she was a teenager and she has a close great relationship with her DIL everyone would say well that’s his wife of course he would want her included not one or at least very very few people would say it’s acceptable in this circumstance to exclude the wife.

Votes in threads like these don't always present an accurate picture 30 pages in, though.
Some people don't stick with the whole thread and read updates from the OP.

What can seem yanbu and first can change with more information but because people are no longer reading it change their vote it stays.

This not only applies to this thread but all of them.

No it’s you here, not the op.

You seems to take an awful lot of credit for his achievement - is it possible they don’t want to have deal with this when they are celebrating their son? Because you mention your ‘sacrifice’ at every turn and I imagine that’s quite irritating when it’s your husband who got the promotion

You say they invite you everywhere usually so perhaps they just want to celebrate him without having to keep thanking you for the extra housework you did.

it’s just a meal - it doesn’t mean that you can’t go out with him on another night.

Unless they would say ‘my son got a promotion and whilst we love our DIL, she keeps taking full credit for it as she did some of his housework duties.

‘AIBU to want to spend the evening with our son to celebrate him rather than having to keep showing DIL how grateful we are that she made so many ‘sacrifices’

I think she's just saying it here to defend herself, I'm sure she doesn't bang on about it to her inlaws.
But that's this thread though, everything being interpreted in the worst-faith way possible.

I will apologise if the OP and her dh would dearly love to have children but can't. If this is the case she has my deepest sympathy.
Assuming it is a choice not to have children, though, I do find it odd that while OP is all about very traditional marriage in seemingly all other respects one of what seems to me an absolutely essential component of this is missing: namely children.

Now some might say that without the nurturing of children no real sacrifices have been made to support his career so yes it would annoy me intensely if I were his parents and she would not be quiet about the 'sacrifices' she made.

I'd be like, what sacrifices exactly?

Now, don't get me wrong, if she was the sort of person to let her husband take all the glory and sit quietly they'd probably not mind her presence at the meal.

^I agree with this. Especially as the OP has up to now had a seemingly good relationship with her MIL. I’m sure that wouldn’t be the case if she constantly went on about all the sacrifices she’d made.

Some people have been determined to interpret everything she says in the worst possible way.

Other sacrifices might be moving cities or countries, enduring long separations, picking up all the domestic chores etc.

And there's the less tangible stuff like being a sounding board, giving someone confidence through ongoing love and support. A happy marriage does really feel like you're in a team.

But all this is overanalysis really - it's not normal or socially acceptable to exclude someone's wife in these circumstances and it's bizarre how many people are trying to argue that it is.

You don’t need to have children to be a family unit.
And for many couples who are both working and have been together for many years have more disposable income to enjoy regular meals out, holidays, weekends away, hobbies, theatre, socialising as a couple with friends etc.
When the couple decided to re evaluate their current lifestyle to concentrate on career promotion, then there are some sacrifices for both as they are working as a team.
One may pick up the extra’s within the household whilst the other concentrates on spending time working on a project/exams. May miss an anniversary weekend away to prepare for a presentation/interview on Monday morning.
The list can be endless.

So yes apart from the emotional support there are other forms of support & sacrifices to be made when working as a team for the family unit.

Personally, I would book a lovely holiday for the 2 of us and celebrate in style.

I certainly wouldn’t make any assumption as to why people don’t have children, that is very low.

OP you are not being unreasonable by feeling hurt at being left out.💐

an absolutely essential component of this is missing: namely children.

OMG did you really just say that? Wow. Have we been sent back to the 1940s?

If the OP gives the impression in real life that she is more fixed on her ‘sacrifices’ than her husband’s achievement then it would explain why the PIL don’t want to include her on this particular occasion.

So how far will you be moving, the next county or Australia ?
Maybe MIL, was hyping this up into the “final farewell”, in a melodrama, her H sailing off to the colonies never to return, & she wants an official sending off for her only child & heir.
The trouble now is she has set the fox among the chickens. The family dynamic may take a hit. & you will become the difficult DIL.
She is unlikely to capitulate now

What are you talking about?
I've clearly said that OP - not necessarily my view - appears to have a very traditional view of marriage what with her two become one flesh remark and her insistence that she must attend this meal.
Personally if this were me, I wouldn't give a damn about not being invited. I couldn't care less. They want some alone time with their son? Fine by me.

Also, while it's completely valid to not have children when married, it is usually the case that there will be children that follow from it so nothing I've said here is unreasonable.