AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Nope.

that makes no sense his mom doesn’t live with us so she wouldn’t be involved with the move that would be a husband and wife decision not a mother son decision.

I'm not seeing the harm in allowing his parents to use their sons promotion as an excuse to have dinner with just him, celebrate him separate to you and themselves as his parents.

I am seeing a lot of harm by turning their request and disappointment into a whole thing even if coming from DH himself.

I’m hurt bc my mil and I have always been close she always says im like the daughter she never has. I thought she wouldn’t want to shut me out of this.

I know that there are women who don't care or bond with their sons (sadly) but I'll admit in all honesty that my love for my dh is conditional whereas his mother's is not.

That's just the nature of it. And it's probably the same for the OP (in spite of her nonsensical ramblings about one flesh, two flesh, three for the price of four flesh, er, whatever).
My MIL will be the one who'll be running to rescue dh from a burning building while I hesitate.

Bearing this in mind, OP should have had the sense to give her MIL a break and had the grace to assume it wasn't a snub and let it go.
What kind of madness is it to compete with someone you know deep down really would sacrifice themselves for someone when you'd hesitate to do the same?

You talk about me supposedly being in competition with my husband’s mother yet you are the one who repeatedly goes on and on passive aggressively implying that my mil should be more important and come first to my husband because she would save him from a burning building. You keep banging on about that but then turn around at the same time and say how I’m doing the same thing

So in your world, a mother is not allowed to express privately with her son about concerns she might have about him relocating away from his parents? She might have any number of perfectly valid reasons to feel upset about it. And if you are as overbearing in real life as you are here, she wouldn't be able to get a word in if you were present.
It doesn't mean she gets to decide. 🤦‍♀️

Sure you're feelings are hurt because you weren't included, which is something that happens sometimes in life. But it is you that is choosing to take that hurt and turn it into harm.

You are actively harming your relationship with your in-laws, and in that process your husbands relationship with his own parents, and your relationship with him. You are damaging your own marriage, and casting a big horrible shadow over his achievement and all you've done to help him achieve it foe the simple reason that they asked to take just their son out for dinner.

But if this is a couples decision then why would it need to be private away from his wife? Like what would she need to say that I couldn’t know about? If this is a decision that affects both of us then wouldn’t it not be a crazy notion to say we should both hear the concerns?? Also we don’t plan on having kids so childcare wouldn’t be an issue. What else would it be?

Its the fact we text all the time and not once did she say hey I would love to take just DH out for me a meal I don’t want to hurt your feelings but not once did his promotion come up or this dinner come up? This isn’t like our nope and honest relationship at all. Which makes me think it’s something deeper going on. And also the fact that she hasn’t responded yet to the text I sent yesterday and usually she gets back to me fairly quickly

So my husband is going to call his mom when he gets home from work and straight out ask her what her deal is with me and why she is so adamant I don’t attend

@telestrations You've hit the nail on the head imo

@OneFirmBlueShaker perhaps DH's mother just wants to hear everything from DH (and only DH)? Maybe she's concerned that DH is only doing this to please you and wants to be satisfied that this isn't the case? Maybe that is what the deeper issue is. I agree that the only way to find out is by your DH talking to her. Alone if needs be.

But the move would be for HIS job promotion so it would be for him not for me and again this is a couple’s decision not a mother son decision. And even if it was an issue between us the move that would be considered a marital issue and she shouldn’t get involved between a married couple. He is nearly 40 he doesn’t need his mother to manage his issues with his wife

Jesus! Again the job promotion is his so the move would be for his job not for me and again marital issues if it was an issue is between me and him not for a mother to stick her nose where it’s not her business to her nearly 40 year old son. If she thinks she needs to do that then she doesn’t think very highly of him.

I’m also laughing at the “take him away” like he is a 5 year old little boy moving away from all his friends and he has no control. If he really didn’t want to move don’t you think he would say something or divorce me.

That's not how controlling relationships work. You don't seriously believe all adults who are being abused or controlled by their spouses could just make it stop if they wanted to without any support, you would have to be stupid to think that.

Do you not see how controlling you sound? It's actually worrying.

This thread has made me lose what little respect I had left for mumsnet. The OP has come in for an insane amount of abuse and the posters who are attacking her are using the most hostile, ungenerous, and unhinged language to do so. Horrible to watch.

And it’s a very skewed thread. The vote is 85%-15% YANBU, so it would appear that the vast majority agree with the OP and it’s a very vocal minority who are dominating on here.

FWIW, I think the idea of excluding the OP from a celebratory meal for her DH’s promotion at work is very weird. I can’t imagine either my family or my DH’s family ever contemplating excluding either of us.

Agree 100%

The batshit bonker crazies are out in full force attacking the OP

It's very strange behaviour especially as they been including you previously. Yanbu. What does your dh say. What has happened recently

Is he actually moving for his job?

MN in general seems to have a very jaundiced view of spousal relationships. Like you're not actually meant to like the person you're married to, or want to spend any time with them or you're co-dependent.
Someone upthread just compared marriages as transactional, vs parent/child as unconditional.

Or maybe it's all boymom types who can't bear that in general, adults in relationships do prioritise each other ahead of their parents. That suggestion seems to cause great offense.

Re the topic on hand, on what planet is it appropriate to exclude a wife, of all people, from her husband's celebratory promotion dinner? There's someone competing for the DH affection here but it's not the OP.