AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Why don’t you host a celebration for your husband and invite his family and friends?

Because they don't want you there.
Now it could be that they don't want anyone else there because for example they really want it to be about the three of them which. is. completely. reasonable.

You know just him and them just for one flipping night.
And, difficult as this might be for you to understand, this is not about you.

OR it could be that they don't want you there and it is completely personal.
I can't possibly think why.

Ok 👍

Did I not say like five million times already that I understand everyone’s points and I take it back that I helped him get the promotion. I understand he did it all on his own I get that and I already multiple times owned up to my error in saying that.

Still doesn’t change the fact that it’s odd for both parents to label it a celebration/congratulations dinner for his promotion and not invite his wife! That’s a separate issue from whether or not I think this was a team effort and again I 100% acknowledge the error on my end in saying that. and as another PP pointed out that once he said, “I want my wife included.” It should have been met with, “of course honey that’s your wife and since it’s you who is being celebrated who you want there should be respected we would hate to make her feel left out.” Multiple posters have said not only is it odd for his mother to exclude me it’s batshit was the word some posters said. So clearly I’m not the crazy one here. And the votes speak for themselves. What 85% and all saying I’m not being unreasonable. If this was a celebration of say his mom or his dad’s retirement and they just wanted to celebrate with their son ok sure because it’s a celebration FOR THEM. But being it’s a celebration for my husband a bit odd to exclude his wife. And it should be up to the first of honor in this case my husband who they want to invite.

What infantile is not respecting your nearly 40 year old son’s wishes to have his wife there during his own celebration. “No mommy wants to celebrate you all to herself.” Ridiculous! It’s like he is 16 years old again being treated for getting his first job and he wants to bring his high school gf of 6 months rather than his wife and partner of 15 years!!

It was a response back to a comment made pages back. It was a while ago so I can’t remember the context but you are free to go back and look. Not saying that in a smart way but genuinely saying

Yes that’s correct…up until now. Which is where my confusion lies. Why choose this time when it’s labeled as a celebration for them both to take out my DH and not even mention it to me like it’s not even happening or I wouldn’t be confused as to why I was being left out of his celebration dinner. All the times MIL text she didn’t think to check and be like, “hey btw FIL and I are planning a dinner with your husband to celebrate his promotion.” If she really thought this was a normal kind thing to do surely something like that would come up but the fact she didn’t mention it shows she knew what she was doing and it would be hurtful to me then after my husband told her it was hurtful she still didn’t reach out and she hasn’t responded to my text.

But as his wife a big milestone in my husband’s life is about me. You don’t think a promotion where my husband is working later, possibly might have to move isn’t going to affect our household.

Oh I won’t actually do this but I’m so tempted to invite all his family and friends including fil and not mil. You want to be petty we can play that game

No disrespect but who the fuck really cares that much about a Celebratory Promotional Meal ® full stop?

An in-law was made Head of the British branch of a major international company he works for.

He and his wife just had a bottle of something expensive between themselves.

I think you're getting flak here because to the minds of many who have experienced a lot of serious issues this is such an amazingly trivial thing to make a huge fuss over.

Instead of saying, OK they want time with their son alone and shrugging it off and thinking 'yippee a night in to myself. Get the ice - cream out" (which is what I do) you're acting like a little kid who can't get their way while the adults in the room are rolling their eyes heavenwards.

You may not understand this reference but do you and your dh wear matching jumpers? This thread is certainly a case of ever decreasing circles.

I was on your side to begin with, and voted accordingly. But not any more - your posts are increasingly worrying because you’re making it all about you. Yes, it would have been nice if they’d invited you and I can understand you feeling hurt, but they didn’t and that’s all there is to it. Even if your MIL gave in and invited you, would you really want to go now that you know they really wanted just a little quiet celebration with their son?

You're making it all about you, and it shouldn’t be. Be the bigger person and let it go.

A celebration excluding certain very close people is weird.

Having said that if relationship is otherwise OK , I would thank my lucky stars and just grin and bare it.

Making a big thing of this might just be the worst possible future.

OP has your MIL replied to your text yet ?

Yes OP's MIL has replied-she told her to sod off and buy her own Big Mac meal.
No not really.
It's what I'd do in her shoes , though. 😁

Are you still here OP!
I think you must be enjoying this thread a little bit too much. What’s happening with your MIL I thought you were going to speak to her if she didn’t reply.
Do you honestly not think it would have been better to have just said ‘that’s fine, have a brilliant time’ and let the celebration go ahead.
It would have saved an awful lot of hassle.

"...after my husband told her it was hurtful she still didn’t reach out and she hasn’t responded to my text."
It's been nearly 2 days since that text was sent. I'm no expert on these matters that that does not seem to be a good sign to me - it doesn't look like she wants to "clear the air". Maybe DH should give her a call?

The fact she hadn’t replied to the text is strange indicating she’s obviously upset/cross about something

No no no no no!! It is exactly this attitude that has got hackles raised!
A milestone in your husband's career is about him, his work and achievement. Not you. Even if he did have to work later sometimes.
Of course a possible move affects you both. Maybe it is precisely that subject that his mum wants to talk about with him, without you weighing in on it.

Peppermint wasn't suggesting you host a passive aggressive party so that you can spitefully not invite your MIL FFS. She was suggesting you host a family party so that you have a celebration where the whole family attends, which solves your problem. It's this kind of vindictive attitude that makes you seem difficult to deal with.

But as his wife a big milestone in my husband’s life is about me

No! It's not! It's about him! This is the problem!!

Define normal? I think my situation is normal.

My confusion is that you’ve brought things up about your MIL not wanting you to relocate, protesting the sharing of finances. If she has never said these things then it seems you are letting yourself get wound up more and more. Why say any of this if it hasn’t happened?

OP do you work and do you have a social network? I’m wondering if you need to spend more time doing fun things for yourself and getting a bit of your own life. I say that with respect because when you’re busy and happy with your own things, then your mind just doesn’t have the time or space to wonder and make small things into massive mountains.

Exactly! The point is to NOT be passive aggressive. It’s to focus energy on a happy and positive party for DH and not be caught up on a dinner.

Or maybe that she doesn’t want to get involved in a back and forth with OP. Going off of how OP has responded here, she is unlikely to try and understand her MIL.

I agree. You’re not in the wrong here. I have a friend, and I love her. She’s been in my life since 1987. BUT, she’s like you MIL a bit. This thing about “ I’ll always be his Mum but you won’t always be his partner”. Don’t know how to tell her that her son chose his partner but didn’t choose her. She’s a great mum but a bit over invested.

My husband and me supported our son through all the bad stuff and all the good stuff and so did his partner.

You shouldn’t be left out.