AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Yes that’s how I feel! Like they wanted to put my almost 40 year old DH back in a “childhood” role like he just got his first job and want to take him out to celebrate as if his wife isn’t a part of anything. I mean they said it themselves, “Can’t you just be a son for one evening.” In my eyes that translates to can’t you just forget you’re married and yes while you earned this promotion on your own forget that your wife was a big support system to you just forget that for a moment ad drop her like a hot potato for one evening.”

This is such a weird thread. The meal is supposed to be a celebration of someone's success, not an event to establish the pecking order of people in their lives. Actively excluding OP from the dinner is bizarre - why wouldn't she be able to join? Happy events are usually an opportunity to come together and connect, not a way to leave someone sitting at home, uninvited.
MIL is playing an unpleasant game - one that will only create problems in the future.

Where is the Celebratory Promotion Meal®. being held I wonder.
What if it's at the local McDonald's drive thru?
Maybe they used to take him there as a treat when he passed exams and just want it to be the three of them as a family joke and OP's presence would spoil it?
So OP gets her way and they pull up at the local golden arches and she's like' wtf?! and MIL is like well you did insist on tagging along, dear...

Forget about the support, though I agree you did support him. Maybe they did too.

My youngest son has been with his partner for 15 years and they are both 30.

So pretty much like you two.

My son had a few years when he went off the rails a bit due to illness. DT1. She was always there for him and so were us three (me, his dad and his brother).

He is now really successful and we have celebrated all his successes as a family, which includes the girl he CHOSE. He didn’t choose us three, he was landed with us.

You are right to feel upset. His mum seems to be trying to make him choose. If I did that my son would tell me to fuck right off. Which would be the appropriate response.

At the end of the day, he’s chosen the right person to side with and do not think for a minute that the batshit responses on here are normal.

Fine thanks 😊

I'm not the one having family drama over a stupid dinner or fighting for the pedestal in my husband's life. It's really chill over here, sometimes I celebrate things with just my husband, sometimes just my parents and sometimes just my grandparents, sometimes as a whole family. It's all nice and normal.

On what planet is it reasonable behaviour for parents to organise a celebration dinner for their married, adult child and not at least extend the invite to the DIL/SIL? And then to double down when the unreasonableness is pointed out to them?

"She's my wife and I want her to be part of the celebration" should have been met with "I'm sorry son, I wasn't thinking - of course she's invited", not a load of misogynistic bullshit about losing a son when he marries.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. I hope your MIL has the sense to rethink and that relations can be repaired. I'd be a bit wary of her from now on, but at least you know that your husband's got your back.

It’s a bit creepy to think so many MIL think their bond with their adult son is stronger than the one he shares with his wife.

And so what if they do want to put him back in a childhood role for the night. So what?
It's my birthday in 4 weeks.
My sister's going to cook me a meal. She didn't mention my dh being invited.
I told my dh I was going, he said fair enough we'll go out somewhere, too, at a later date.

She calls up a few days later totally unprompted by me and says "forgot to say (dh name) invited too."
My dh said thanks but he'd already made plans to enjoy the programmes on TV I didn't like when I was away and have his favourite Thai meal. I don't like Thai food.

I know my mother will treat me like a child for the duration of the meal, I'll know I'll indulge and be back to normal after the meal.

I'm telling you this, had he reacted like you I'd find it to be absolutely controlling and unbearable and would be considering divorce over what I'd perceive to be an disturbingly unhealthy level of possessiveness.
No joke I couldn't stand it. It's a fucking meal, not a month in Vegas.

And as has been pointed out before, the idea that you've made him get his promotion is not true. He. Did. The. Work.

I'm not the one having family drama over a stupid dinner or fighting for the pedestal in my husband's life
Cool, nor is OP so that's nice.

Yikes - i feel so bad for your poor husband - what was (is) supposed to be such a great and happy occasion, totally taken over by you (who very oddly want recognition for his work) and his mother (who seems to be choosing a bizarre hill to die on). The poor sod. He cant make him mum happy, cant make him wife happy. I vote him and his dad just go out for celebratory beers.

I’m sorry but that post came across as anything but “normal”. It was completely unhinged.

I don’t get this. I would have presumed my husband was invited too. I can never imagine my brother and his wife inviting me for dinner and not including my husband. Is your sister single?

I hate this new trend of needing to label someone with a strong term like “misogynist” just because there are differing opinions. It reeks of the inability to understand that your thoughts and opinions aren’t the gold standard for everyone. It’s pathetic and weak.

I can think OP is acting dramatic because that’s not how I would act in this situation without needing to be a misogynist. And frankly you set women back when you fling terms like that around.

Did she demand that your DH not share his money with you?

Yes, the OP is coming across as unhinged. That post contained mostly her own words, put together and parodied.

Those of us with normal families and reactions to these things can see how unhinged her posts are.

Of course she didn't. She's been warm and welcoming to OP for years so I really can't see where all the angst to prove her place in the pecking order is coming from!

I was wondering this. Maybe they want to discuss wills etc and think this would be an excellent opportunity especially as he has just proved himself in their eyes. If he has been working hard he probably hasn't had much time to be alone with them. Maybe let it go this once and just be proud for him.
And guve yourself a pat on the back for obviously making a good choice in a husband.

No, it’s you. I’ve never seen a post like that one and that’s saying something on here.

I see. Misogynist is wrong but “pathetic and weak” is ok? 😱

I think her argument is pathetic and weak and I think flinging terms like misogynist around amounts to both of those things. I don’t think someone with a strong argument would use that term, thus I believe her argument to be weak.

My youngest son’s partner loves him as much as I do.

She asked me and my husband and our other son once “ I know I’m “in”, but how can I get more in?” I said “ you can’t because we used to be a family of 4 and I said “us four”, now I say “us five”, so you can’t really get more in as you’re already there!

I love my son and miss him being here morning, noon and night.

But his main person is his partner and that’s how it should be imo.

That’s very sweet and sounds like a lovely relationship.

I get it. You think your form of complete and utter insult to a woman who is struggling to understand why she’s being left out of a celebration of the man she has chosen to spend her life with is weak. No probs 😬

Check yourself before you make assumptions. I wasn’t responding to the OP!

I agree his parents supported him growing up and I supported him in his adult life so why can’t all his support people celebrate together?