AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

She’s also had her DH tell his mum off for it. It’s poorly dealt with.

No, her Dh queried it. Off his own bat. No telling off and not at OP's behest.

When did OP have her DH tell his mum off? Or are you making up the narrative to suit?

I went back and read the OP and maybe it wasn’t a telling off but instead a questioning. It just all seems like a lot of commenting on this without actually having a clear conversation. I’m not sure my DH would have said anything unless he thought his DM was doing it with ill intent and then he would have found out. Not made comments, listened to a snide response, etc.

No! OP said she was hurt she wasn’t invited. Her DH then called the mum and said he wasn’t going if OP wasn’t invited and then the mum made the comment about a son being son until he gets married.

I fail to understand the point in any of that dialogue since the DH didn’t ask or get to the bottom of why OP isn’t invited. To me it feels like drama. But then I don’t communicate in that way nor does my DH.

Right so I think the best course of action is for the DH to just ask his mum. I don’t understand the phone call he had with her where he didn’t ask if there was a reason.

Quote from OP’s 1st post doesn’t mention that her husband called his mom after he had spoken to OP, maybe OP could clarify.

‘His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner.’

So you now admit that it’s you that feels like it’s a drama to you and not OP making it a drama

No. I see that as a massive drama. I can’t imagine throwing a fit over a dinner and I also can’t imagine my DH doing that either. If his parents invited him for dinner and said they’d like time alone with him neither one of us would think anything of it or take offense.

The phone call between her DH and MIL and then the FIL and then texting the MIL is a hell of a lot of family drama. Who has the time or head space to care on that level?!

And yes both OP and her DH are making it into a drama.

Reposting for people still falling for this nonsense.

We share finances as a married couple and don’t keep money from each other.
how is that “replacing” his family?

They understandably want some time with their son. The relationship and interaction between them changes when you are added to the picture. Do you perhaps need counselling to deal with your insecurity?

(Best Dervla Kirwan voice) :

This is not just a meal. It's a Celebratory Promotion Meal.

The OP could just refer to it as CPM from now on- just like with that well known chicken shop.
Maybe it would sound more casual then and less of a big event so she wouldn't be kicking up so much drama over it? (And to be fair less grating to read.)

Mind you as I love a good binge on cheap, overprocessed chicken I can totally understand the hatred of anybody who didn't invite me to indulge in a 10 piece bucket. BASTARDS.

"(And to be fair less grating to read.)"

Nobody is forcing you to read, it's entirely your own choice.

You've missed the point AGAIN. It's not about shared finances or individual finances. It's about the attitude of my husband obeys me not you move over bitch your time is over he's MINE NOW!! ner ner ner!!!

DH had a big promotion and a formal professional dinner with colleagues plus invited family including me.
My kids and I behaved perfectly. I know his colleagues since they were uni students. I know the projects that have built towards this promotion. It had people important to his future career.
DHs family choose that moment to just go nuts. His dad basically thanked himself. His sister became the clown of the soiree with had to be there childhood stories. The BIL insulted the boss when his partner was standing behind him.
It was like the wanted to put DH back in his childhood place.
I would once have said on a tide of optimism we were close but actually I think that tide has ebbed in the last ten years, that they centre themselves more and more. They are not a family of big hearts.

Are you ok?

Yes, there's two PPs who are twisting themselves into bizarre knots trying to blame OP for MIL's decision to exclude OP from a celebratory dinner. The only one to blame is MIL: she has suddenly decided to muscle in and demonstrate to herself and the world that she, MIL, is the most important woman in OP's H's life. As indicated by, "his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening"."

And any attempt of OP expressing her understandably hurt feelings is seen as her being "self-important" and "controlling" and HER muscling in on MIL's "territory".

And now, after FINALLY understanding that OP's H immediately told his mother than he wants his wife at the dinner, one of these PPs is blaming OP's H!

The internalised misogyny in these posters is ridiculous. So is the elevation of the martyr mother above the wife of an adult son: "I'm his mother, I suffered more". It's completely infantile.

THIS kind of mentality is why adult children stop seeing their mothers: because the mothers have not let go of the apron strings and their role as The Most Important Woman in their kids' lives and are trying to keep a stranglehold on their children with the usual FOG tools of dysfunctional parents: Fear Obligation Guilt.

If MIL doesn't pull her head in, she'll become another one of the disingenuous screechers on estranged parents forums: "I have no idea what happened! All I wanted to do was celebrate my son's wonderful achievement and his wife suddenly got angry, I have no idea why, and now my son won't talk to me. I'm so sad. I'm so devastated. I've given up everything for my son, and this is how he treats me."

I think that denying the fact that a mother's love for her child is usually extremely strong and unconditional while his wife's is usually very, very conditional is one of the most misogynistic things I've ever heard.

I used to be a bit like OP when young until somebody brought me to my senses by asking me a simple question.

"Would you jump off a tall building to save (husband's name) life? "

I hesitated. The person asking the question heard the hesitation and said,
" The thing is, his mother wouldn't hesitate for a second. "

Brought me to my senses. OP needs to grow up.

HE got a promotion as YOU enabled it. (Read "Wifedom" by Anna Funder). It is very much a team effort. Which your MIL is not recognising. Very pleased that your DH did.

But again his mother sees her son alone almost once a month his father sees his son alone every other week just about. It’s not like they don’t have alone time with him. But a dinner celebrating him it’s strange to exclude his wife. I’m not too sure what you mean by the interactions change. I’m pretty sure my husband would be himself with his own wife there.

well that’s now you reading too much into it. I was saying she can demand to her son all she wants not to share money with me but me knowing our marriage that wouldn’t fly. What’s wrong with saying that? Aren’t we always told on here it doesn’t matter what your in laws do it’s how your spouse reacts? And I know my husband would have my back.

It's just a fucking dinner ffs. Get a grip.
All this celebratory promotion dinner nonsense is infantile. It really is.

You otherwise get on OK with them so let it go.

Agree. The childish vitriol in that reply! I have two sons. Of course their partners are the main people in their life. They chose them - they didn’t choose me. I just came with the whole thing of being born.

I lived with my parents for 23 years. I have lived with my husband for 39.

My husband still has his mum. She’s 88. They have a great relationship (we all do).

But I’m his person and so is she in different ways.

Same with the boys. I would never have a meal with my sons to celebrate achievements and not invite their partners.

The MIL is completely in the wrong here.

That post! 😱

I think it's fine to acknowledge you're feeling hurt at not being invited to join the meal. Not fine to bask in the slightly manic pride that your husband will always choose you over his parents/you matter more/he'll always have your back etc when there's not been any real slight here beyond a fairly thoughtless attempt to focus on him and his achievements without considering he may have also wanted his wife to join in. It's also not okay to suggest you are responsible for his achievements - yes, you're part of a mutually supportive partnership and help him to do his best, as presumably he does with you, but he is the one who has performed well in the workplace to receive the promotion, not you. When I do well at work it's down to my own graft and ability, not because my husband makes my dinner for me and my mum has collected my kids from school - these things help me to put attention to workplace matters, but I am the only one responsible for how I perform given the opportunity. I think your Mil possibly does feel like you're trying to steal his glory a bit as that comes across loudly in your posts, even if your dh is happy to share it, perhaps she just wanted to put the some attention on him to recognise his promotion, not celebrate you both. Regardless, it's a strange hill for her to die on, yes, but also for you to choose to blow up a close relationship as you're doing. I suspect she feels really awkward about the message you sent knowing the fuss the whole thing has caused. I hope it's able to be resolved without the need for your dh to have to hurt his parents by being as definitive as you are re their lack of importance in his life in comparison to you.