AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I agree competing in this way is infantile. It's not the mother competing and being childish about the hierarchy in the family though, it's OP.

Her MIL wanted to celebrate something with her son, that's normal and fine. Her husband was fine with it until OP kicked up a fuss, now there's a family feud and OP has written 4 pages of why she is the most important, is first, his mother needs to accept she's not the important woman anymore, she needs to know her place and on and on. The MIL has been warm and welcoming and loving to OP for years so theres no reason to think she's ever tried to compete or make a hierarchy of women. It's OP doing that. She also is trying to make her husband's promotion and celebration all about her.

The WIFE is more important than the mother. The mother's job is done.

The MIL seems to have made it a power contest. The MIL is going to lose that contest. She's cutting her own flesh here.

But her husband WASNT okay with it, OP said that in her very first post-he said not without her-which is something that is very highly rated on Mumsnet so why is it now being used as a stick to beat the OP with as though she’s controlling him.

The MIL wanted to exclude OP from something that it is really unusual to exclude her from. OP is not the one setting up conflict.

There's only been that many pages of the post because OP has been responding to other people. If she hadn't done she'd have been accused of running away from the thread because she didn't like the answers.

And she hasn't made any inappropriate fuss. She's sent one politely worded text.

Just leaving this here for newcomers to the thread...

If I were a mother and my son put me ahead of his wife, I'd feel like I failed as a mom. I'd be disappointed if he didn't prioritize his partner, and I'd be proud of him for standing by her. Wanting your wife included in a celebration isn't 'forgetting about' your mom; it's about respecting your partner's feelings.

And my husband is hardly forgetting about his mom - they grab lunch or coffee alone about once a month, and we usually see his parents together for dinner or hangouts at his parents' place once a week (or every other week if we're busy). That's not neglect, that's a healthy balance.

I think it's about understanding priorities: when you get married, you create a new family unit where your spouse (and kids, if you have them) come first. Your parents have their own spouse; it's part of growing up and forming new bonds. It's not about diminishing your mom's importance, but recognizing that a healthy marriage means putting your partner first.

In fact, prioritizing your spouse is what helps build a strong foundation, and it's actually a sign of maturity, not forgetting about family. I'd expect a son (or daughter) to put their spouse first, and if a parent expects to be more important than their child's partner, that's a problem. Life's about evolving relationships - parents, spouse, kids - each has their time and place. I'd say it's wise to prioritize your spouse, and it's not about comparing importance, but about respecting boundaries and building a life together.

Ugh, I get it, right? I'm like, 'He sees his mom alone about 8 times a year, give or take - that's like a little less often than once a month.' And people are like, 'Wow, so he's never allowed to see her alone?' No, that's not it at all! And then I get picked apart for using the word 'generous' to describe that frequency, like I was trying to dictate what 'often enough' means.

I just meant he sees her a decent amount, but apparently that's not the right word to use. Now it's like, who am I to decide what's generous, but somehow strangers on the internet get to decide what's 'often enough' for my husband to see his mom? It's like, make it make sense. They say it's not about the frequency, but then they turn around and say it's not often enough. 🤷‍♀️

It’s not you @OneFirmBlueShaker

the rubbish people are talking on here is weird af

I have honestly never posted here before so not exactly sure what posts you are referring to…

Yes I’m confused bc I’m pretty sure if a MIL posted on here stating her and her husband wanted to take just their married son out to a fancy dinner to celebrate his promotion and not include his wife even though they been together since they were teenagers and she always had a personal close relationship with her DIL she wouldn’t be met with you know what that’s a great idea exclude your son’s wife she would be given answers ranging from, “you can kiss that close relationship to your DIL goodbye” and “it’s your son’s wife it’s rude to exclude her from a dinner celebrating him.” “You are putting your son in an impossible position of choosing between his mother and wife and it’s his wife so he prepared to lose out.”

You’ve turned your husbands promotion into a massive drama about his mum. What I would have given minimal thought to besides “that’s sweet his mum wants to take him out”, you’ve had your DH tell his mum off, posted about it on the internet and now texted his mum. It’s just a dinner. I wonder if maybe you might need a bigger life of your own so you aren’t living through your DH so much.

The DH didn't tell his mum off, he said he wasn't happy about the situation and he did it off his own bat. OP has sent one text message. None of that constitutes any kind of drama, let alone a "massive" one

I sent a politely worded text to a family member to clear the air as my mil and I text a lot and it was odd in all of our conversations not once did it come up about the dinner for my husband’s promotion which makes me think she was avoiding the topic with me which leads me to believe she knew being excluded would hurt my feelings and I was just checking in to see if I had done something wrong when I am usually included. My mil hasn’t responded yet

I understand that. And you could have checked in with her without firstly making a dinner into a massive drama and secondly having your DH tell her off. Again, your DH should have been able to celebrate his promotion with his mum without you turning it into something that has to do with you!

I just can’t imagine even thinking twice about my MIL inviting my DH to dinner.

If only MiL had been genuine in a lovely gesture of celebrating with her husband, son and his wife then there wouldn’t be any need for any upset and ‘drama’

This isn’t just about an every day dinner. It’s the happiness of her son and if MiL was acting in his best interest then as a loving mother she would respect his wife & his marriage vows.

I guess it depends on perspective. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it if my MIL had invited my DH to dinner to celebrate. I have a great relationship with my MIL and so would never think she being rude by not inviting me. I would just assume she wanted special time with her son.

Also to add: I would also think it’s poor manners to make something like this about myself. I would want my DH to have a lovely time with his parents and would see it as a way to extend the celebration of his achievement. I would never have him belittle his mother over something like this nor would he ever agree to tell her off over something so small. It’s pathetic across for all three of them.

As a MiL myself I consider it extremely bad manners to exclude a DiL to a celebration. No matter wha, my adult child's happiness will always be everything to me

Yeah, sorry, but I do agree with this OP. I don’t think you’ve sacrificed anything really. Not having as many date night isn’t really a sacrifice.

Regardless, yes I do think it’s odd they haven’t invited you though.

Where is the drama in one comment and one text?

Sure, but assuming my DH wouldn’t be upset having dinner without me. I’d probably question why he wasn’t capable of eating a meal without me.

In my view, it’s one dinner. Who has the time to focus on something as small as that?

I agree, it's not about diminishing parents importance when you take a spouse. But you absolutely have been diminishing his mums importance throughout this entire thread. Making it clear you're queen bee and her time is over. How this all because of your sacrifice not hers, only school achievements are hers his adult achievements are yours because she's in the past blah blah blah.

Let me remind you of this gem "jokes on them bc regardless of whether I’m there or not DH being together so long operate fully as a team and I know my husband like the back of his hand it would be as innate as breathing to share the money with me all money is pooled in our household and vice versa if I received money I wouldn’t even bat an eye I would share with my husband. The in laws can ask him to dance the Macarena five times a day it doesn’t mean he has to oblige" These are not the words of a mature adult who understands she joined a family she didn't replace it.

Clearly this is turning into a massive family drama. If this happened to me I would:

1. Think it was sweet his mum wanted to take him out.
2. Never think about it again.

If it had hurt my feelings I would reflect on the fact that I have a good relationship with my MIL and I would know she would never do something with the intention of hurting me. Sometimes we need to just move on knowing that not everything is about us and how we feel all the time.

Again, there is no evidence for it turning into a drama at all. OP has sent one text and has said if no response she will call. Which given her previous good relationship sounds like it could remain perfectly calm as well.

But it’s not just his mum taking him out, it’s a family celebration.
A family celebration that OP isn’t part of.
Neither son or FiL from what OP has said understand why OP is being excluded.