AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

She already did. See her previous post of the text she sent.

I totally support your pov and have posted support previously. Don't make this your hill to die on, though. It has gone off the rails as things can. The MiL comment really was wrong, but I'd let it go with head held high. Tell DH what's done is done and you're moving on and for him to go have dinner with his parents and enjoy himself. They likely didn't mean to slight you, although they did, but for the sake of everyone let it go.

Example of how Bride & Groom can incorporate this concept into their vows.
OP isn’t in the UK

1. Scriptural & Traditional

These vows directly incorporate the biblical verse or its language.

• "I, [Name], take you, [Name], to be my wedded [wife/husband]. As we unite in marriage, I promise to leave and cleave, that the two of us may truly become one flesh in the sight of God."
• "With this ring, I marry you and commit to the covenant of 'one flesh.' No longer two, but one in mind, body, and spirit, until death do us part."
• "[Name], I am my beloved's, and my beloved is mine. As we take this vow, we take the command that what God has joined together, no one shall separate."

Fine, Whatever you say is obviously standard practice. Just like the OP. Because everyone gets married in a church with a “pastor” (whatever a pastor is!)

That poster said it is an example of how those words can be used. Never claimed it was standard practice, neither did OP. Why so angry that there is a lot of variation in the form of words used across different churches and that there are multiple options even in the same church?

And ifs not a pointed snub to me as his wife? It’s just plain good manners to not exclude someone’s spouse from a nice dinner especially celebrating said spouse. It’s not different

YANBU. My son is 21 and lives with his gf, and if I invite my son, I invite her. They are a pair now.

Its clear you dont understand what pointed snub means.

I mean maybe it is that they dont really like you.

(I dont know why im still engaging in this 😭🤣 )

Exactly! There has been plenty of times his mom said, “hey let’s you and I go for lunch/coffee just the two of us” and I didn’t think twice about it. It was a casual meetup in a causal setting not celebrating a huge huge life event of my husband’s. However again when it’s dinner at a nice restaurant and both parents are going and it’s a celebration for my husband’s achievement. Which again people are still banging on and on that I said without my support he wouldn’t have gotten the promotion and multiple times I said I stand corrected on that and realize being that we don’t have children especially that it was a bit presumptuous of me to say he wouldn’t have gotten the promotion without my support bc he did all the hard work at his job I get that and I backtrack. HOWEVER being ther a job promotion affects the husband and wife family unit way more then it affects the family of origin the mother/father and son it’s odd to not include the spouse and I stand by that. It’s like ok you share a life, joke, bed, and bills with this man so of course it’s going to affect your risky life not saying in a bad way but it dos effect but said person can’t attend when it has more to do with them than anyone?

OMG! What a load of sentimental and self-indulgent claptrap! Mothers aren't saints and they can be abusive, guilt-tripping nightmares.

Having children is (usually) a choice and so any sacrifices are voluntary and don't need to be paid back by their adult children.

I expect my adult children to prioritise their partners and children over me. I certainly wouldn't do anything as crass as inviting them to celebrate a big occasion in their lives but leaving their partners out.

Oh how DARE. you refer to them as a pair don’t you know that means they aren’t their own person? And that’s a dating relationship I’m married and have been for 6 years and together for 9 before that so 15 years all together it should be unheard of unless I literally slapped a family member of his at the last dinner or something. Sorry spouse gets an automatic invite

OP have you received a reply from your Mil.

Agreed!! I think there's a perspective out there that a parent's support is more monumental in a child's achievements, but as a wife, I have to respectfully disagree in this context. My husband is nearly 40, and while his mom’s support has been incredible, my support as his partner is a different kind of significant. It's not about comparing or diminishing anyone's role, but the reality is, I'm the one who's shared his adult life, sacrifices, and daily struggles with him.

He could've obviously gotten the promotion without me, sure, but my support isn't just about the promotion itself - it's about being his rock, his partner, and his biggest cheerleader in every sense. And I think that's what stirs up a lot of feelings about being left out.

Nope not yet. I’m going to give it until this evening and I don’t hear anything I’m going to call her. Something is going on. This is wayyy out of character.

It’s a snub when I was excluded from a dinner that was worded as a celebration for my husband for a job promotion he got when my in laws especially my mil always include me and now the status quo is suddenly different with no explanation and when my husband says he wants his wife included because I was his biggest supporter his mom trots out some sexist nonsense and when I text her to clear the air very nicely she doesn’t respond. Maybe your definition of a snub differs than mine but yes I would call that a snub. My mil texts me all the time we talk about random things like movies and tv shows but someone it didn’t come up or she didn’t check with me to see how I would feel about being left out of a celebration when by default I’ve always been included when both his parents and him and I go out to dinner for special occasions? And again a mother son casual lunch or coffee meet up in an everyday setting completely understandable for me not to be included in that but sorry I think in this setting an explanation as to why his wife is suddenly left out after all this time is warranted. If you have a group of 3 close friends that always gets together all 3 then suddenly only 2/3 friends hangout and don’t invite the 3rd one you would wonder what changed?

I'm baffled that you can accuse the OP of being unhinged when you come out with such hyperbolic statements as 'you've never experienced world eclipsing emotion until you've looked at your newborn'.

You are obviously one of these women who think that motherhood makes them special and better than childless women, conferring the right to patronise and look down on women who haven't given birth.

OP's language is definitely over the top but no more than yours.

Do you kill bears too?

I don't think I'm better than childless women at all. We're all equal. She just can't claim to know that she loves her husband and has sacrificed more for him than his mother has whe b she's never experienced the mother role and the love and sacrifice that comes with it. She simply can't know an experience she's never had.

It's quite common for women who have just had a baby to say they thought they knew what love was before their child was born but they had no idea. I thought they were talking rubbish then I experienced it and found they were right.

As for the OP thinking her support was more important in her husband's success than his mothers, his mother literally made him the person he is. If a wife's support could change a badly raised man into something he's not and make him a high achiever half the threads on MN wouldn't exist but we all know it doesn't work like that!

Ok but you also said that my husband has a stronger bond with his mother than with me. I’m sure the bond his mother has with him is stronger than any other bond she ever had sure. But it doesn’t go the other way. The woman he made vows too and shares a home and life and bed with and who he cherishes I would say he has a stronger bond with. If à man says my mother comes first or I feel more bonded to my mother than my wife I would find that very odd and telling. The purpose of marriage is you are creating your new family unit with your spouse. His mom will most likely pass before his spouse and your spouse is the one left you grow old with. Your own kids move out and create their own families while your spouse stays with you so yes I would say that’s a strong bond.

Of course the bond of marriage is very strong. But you're acting like you should usurp his mother and he should just forget about her or making her happy because you're the main woman now.

Lots of people have second spouses after the first one dies or treats them badly. No one gets a second set of parents. You'd be wise to remember that before blowing up the whole family in your demands to be first and the one and only. I would be very disappointed in my husband if he treated his mother the way you seem to wants yours to treat his.

This is silly. I'm a mother and would never engage in an ego contest with my kids' partners as to who is more important. Their partners are more important. Competing in this way is infantile and the fastest way to become estranged from your kids.

OP is excluding no one it's that simple...OP is including people the mother is the one shrinking family and damaging bonds

Absolutely. The MIL is the only one trying to set up hierarchies and exclude others.

Whether it's ok or not ok, I think you would be wise to let this one go. If it keeps happening you can decide if you want to make more of it or not.

This thread is absolutely bonkers.

op is excluded from big celebration for seemingly no reason - according to Mumsnet this is okay because she isn’t ‘blood’.

OP mentions that her dh sees his mum alone almost once a month (a perfectly adequate amount) -according to Mumsnet this is because the OP rations her husbands visits and is most unfair.

OP mentions her DH sees his dad more regularly alone- Mumsnet thinks there is something wrong with this too.

OP clearly makes one hell of an effort with her MIL going for lunch and shopping as well as very regular contact - according to Mumsnet she is suffocating and controlling-the OP can’t bloody win can she?

in another thread this could just as likely be seen as the mil being controlling/senile/a bitch for seeing her son alone every month and the OP seen as a saint for making such an effort with her MIL.

people will argue with anything on here, I’m absolutely baffled!

OP you’ve done nothing wrong here, don’t doubt yourself