AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Is there any reason why you and your DH can’t go out for your celebratory meal ?

As important sure but there were people saying he should view his more as MORE important than me and that I 100% disagree with. I just feel if a MIL came on here and said she wanted to exclude her son’s wife from a dinner that is specifically honoring him she would be told that’s his wife it’s completely unaccountable to exclude him and to be it’s not a wild expectation to want to be included. If my MIL texts back (which she hasn’t yet) to say she wants it to still just be the 3 of them then ok fine I won’t be thrilled but I don’t want to cause a family rift. But it will show me where I really stand with my MIL and I will just have my husband have the communication with her. I’m also missing the part where I said husband never sees his family alone I stated he sees his mom alone probably once a month or so for a casual lunch and his dad prob every other week bc they share a common interest so it’s hardly like they never get him all to themselves. This isn’t a dinner to discuss inheritances or health issues etc this is an exciting celebration that while yes I agree I was way too intense about it being our accomplishment as it’s solely his I feel it’s very odd all things considered to leave someone’s spouse out of a happy celebration. I guess I don’t feel like his wife being there takes away from the celebration. Given my close relationship (well former) you think they would want us all to celebrate together. Heck, even if I wasn’t close to my in-laws it’s just proper etiquette to invite one’s spouse along and not exclude them when it’s a dinner to celebrate them. It’s just social etiquette you don’t just invite one half of a couple in this circumstance.

That was a very old form of words I haven't heard in a while but I don't think she invented it.

Yes there's a lot of posts but she's just responding to other people saying the thing and has sounded calm and reasoned throughout to me. If she hadn't responded to posts it would probably be just as long a thread but filled up with people accusing her of running away from it.

My comments were in response to other posters asking questions and attacking me for daring to even want to be included in my own husband’s celebration dinner. If this was a discussion on inheritances or a private health issue within his parents ok sure I get why a spouse wouldn’t attend. Then posters asked me how often my husband sees his mom alone so I said prob about 8 times a year give or take so a little less often than once a month and I was grilled for my word choice of generous. And told well that’s not often enough. I used the word generous bc I felt attacked and cornered and maybe my words weren’t just right. I meant generous in the sense that he gives them a decent amount of individual attention given our busy work schedulers etc meaning they aren’t deprived of alone time with him. And I did back down on the whole without my support he wouldn’t be where he was I said I understand completely I was over the top with that but regardless I think in this circumstance it’s still rude to only invite one half of a married couple

And to answer the question of what my relationship is like with my own parents. I have an excellent relationship with them and I asked them what if it was me who got a big promotion would they not invite my husband to a celebratory dinner they said umm how is that even a question of course we would include him. In fact we would plan it with him as well! They think my in laws are off their rocker to not invite me and it’s not exactly making them think too highly esp of my mil right now when my parents ALWAYS include my husband no question.

What if my husband and I had a celebratory dinner for his promotion invited my FIL and not my MIL because you know as his mother she doesn’t need to be there mom you can sit this one out. Do you really think that would be acceptable? No it wouldn’t. I would be told you can’t invite his dad without his mom that’s his mom for crying out loud and you all would be right but why isn’t it you can’t invite the guest of honor without his wife that’s his wife!

Thats different because that would be a pointed snub towards one of his parents.

Its not a pointed snub for his parents to fancy seeing their son on his own for something unless a) you choose to be offended you arent seen as his constant sidekick or b) they actually dont like you

How about you direct some of your steam over this alleged incident towards your (literal) other half who only queried you not being invited once you moaned about it?

But would your husband be crowing about how it was a joint achievement and you would never have achieved it without him doing the housework and going to some functions? You want to hog the whole thing that's why they don't want you there!

Calm and reasoned!?

YADNBU
I wouldn’t dream of not inviting my DIL (or my DS’s girlfriend or partner).

Now you really know what a small minded and emotionally inept woman she is.

Yes. Nor do I hear the crowing you refer to in your previous post.

"Cheering him on, hyping him up..." Boak.
My DH and I both have pretty full on full-time careers and neither of us have ever done this. Never had some big celebratory dinner for a promotion either, except maybe opening a bottle of bubbly at home once or twice. I think the mainly British MN readers are struggling with your views because they seem so weird. It is perfectly possibly for single men to have full on careers without some wifey cheering them on you know? They just use dry cleaners at lot and possibly have a messy house. If you don't have kids, I don't see that what you've been doing was all that essential to his career.

Your attitude towards your husband and his career seems very...retro. Are you MAGA?

Could your PILs be snubbing you for that reason?

It’s in the Bible - Genesis- gives us a picture of the marriage bond before sin entered the world: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”

and this can be used in a marriage ceremony

I’m not saying it can’t be used. I’m saying it’s not part of the official marriage vows - which can be looked up online.

Nor do I.
I really don't. Crikey there's a woman in my extended family who really has made sacrifices so that her husband could become the real high flyer in the marriage (as they both went to prestigious universities and ambitious this is no exaggeration).
She advised him (advice from her is worth a lot) took on all the childcare, everything.
They've had to move overseas several times. She took it all on.
Hosting at short notice.
Don't know what OP's done really other than some extra washing.

Even when her dh got the promotions and kept going up the ladder, there was no 'celebratory promotion dinners' as such. Just a quiet celebration and acknowdgement that it would get more difficult.
Incidentally, I'll be hearing that phrase on my sleep tonight.

As for being jealous of his mother-which I think she is- it's ridiculous. It really is, she's not a love rival!

I’ve looked up online

”Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh"

Genesis 2:24, Bible Hub) is commonly used in Christian marriage ceremonies, often during the vows, ceremony opening, or as a sermon reading. It highlights the creation of a new family unit, leaving parents to prioritize the marital union.

Of course she could, but that’s not what this thread . It wouldn't make her point any less valid.

That’s not the marriage vows, though.

No mention of one flesh here:

https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/your-church-wedding/planning-your-ceremony/wedding-vows

@OneFirmBlueShaker Have you posted about you believing your DH should always, in every scenario, put you before his parents?

"They need to stop inserting themselves into our marriage"! That's a very telling statement. For whatever reason, maybe insecurity, you have put yourself into competition with his mother! Never a good idea! Especially the mother of an only child. Do you know how incredibly important he is to her? She carried him, gave birth, nurtured him - how she raised him is partly what has shaped the man he has become. You may want to thank her for that! She probably feels she could burst with pride! You are very important in his life, dont make him have to prove it all the time! Its not a battle between you and his mother.

Oh my god, get me a bucket (or a divorce)! I am definitely not ‘one’ with my husband. I am an adult, in a relationship and I can understand different circumstances require different priorities. I do not expect to come first every single time.

Good on your DH. I would not reach out to MIL. This would probably cause me to rethink my relationship with her and take a massive step back.

It is one meal! Op said herself she is normally included and treated well. Why did it need to descend to hurting her if he attends. Such a big deal made over one meal with no previous history.

Saying if he does he is rewarding her rude behaviour and putting her first sounds unhinged. You made it into such a big point when you didn't need to. If it was a regular mistreatment of you I would back you fully but this isn't that situation. However the way you are carrying on you may well turn it into problem moving forward