AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I'd say that her willingness to do absolutely anything to save his life is probably stronger than your's for sure.
I'd say that she would probably most likely stick by him no matter what he did than you would.

I know nothing about you. I don't need to.
It's a simple truth.

This is not a criticism of you by the way. It's the same for me and nearly everybidy else here. It. Just. Is.

Have I understood right that your DH didnt actually initially say all that about you being a team, you got him the promotion really etc. He only told his parents it was "wrong" to exclude the real hero in all this after you kicked off?

If i have understood right then, oof, that must really burn and I can understand you feeling a bit shocked and digging in. You feel your relationship is this very intense one flesh weirdness whereas your DH is probably a bit easier going, and him not saying no to his parents initially is making you realise that.

I'm not bitter at all. I have an amazing family life and am very grateful for it. I am explaining to you that through my experiences I have gained perspective, that you don't understand because you haven't experienced the different types of relationships. You literally don't have children so can't understand the mother child bond. Which is why you think you're more important than his mum. You're not. I'm trying to explain the depth of a bond you have never experienced, yet manh of us have to make you understand that what you think is world eclipsing isn't, you've never experienced world eclipsing emotion until you've looked at your newborn.

As for intense!? 😂 Fuck me you're the unhinged one saying weird completely over the top things like "two be one flesh" "big boy words" and "I'm the most most important woman on the universe and come before mommy" 😂 that's why the replies are getting more intense, because normal language clearly isn't getting through to you and you clearly need everything to be drama turned up to 11. You need to grow the fuck up.

I’m now convinced this is a total wind up…surely you can’t be that thick!

It’s just the same unhinged poster. She posts over and over again, about these in law v wife battles, the supremacy of wife over parents, being the most important person in her DH’s life, that sort of thing. The (almost definitely made up) scenarios differ, but it always descends into long diatribes.

There were about a dozen threads, then people started cottoning on really quickly, so she disappeared for a few months. She appears to be back. She used ChatGPT for the OP and earlier comments, so I didn’t immediately twig, but it’s definitely her.

Oh this is just one of those threads where the OP gets a kicking for wanting something perfectly reasonable.

My mistake.

Not more important, but they are, in a very different way, AS important. Or they are to most people. I notice that you make no mention anywhere on the thread of your own parents. I wonder if you're not close to them and that your insistence that you should always come first in your DH's life might be fuelled by that.

I've seen your text to MIL now – what are you going to do if she doubles down and says she still wants it to be the three of them? Are you really going to support your DH spurning his parents over a dinner, knowing it might cause a wider rift?

Seriously? Well, that explains A LOT. So baity.

'Two become one flesh'.

🤣🤣🤣 Surely you've just outed yourself here.

So mother day you dont even see your mums by yourselves?

You sound very enmeshed as a couple.

I’m very surprised more people haven’t recognised her! She has a very recognisable ‘style’.

It always starts off fairly reasonably, to reel people in. Then at some point she goes batshit. She’s particularly fixated on her MIL.

Presumably because she knows MILs are a thorny and divisive subject on MN. What a waste of everyone's time. Wish I hadn't bothered to reply!

Truly OP, I cannot for the life of me wrap my head around what so many posters are trying to tell you.

I couldn't imagine my MIL and FIL excluding me from a celebratory dinner for my husband's promotion. It feels as though some posters aren't willing to acknowledge that your husband has his own autonomy and can express who he would like to celebrate with, and as he has expressed - that's with YOU!

Can anyone who seems to feel differently please explain why this man isn't allowed to celebrate with the people he wishes to celebrate with because his parents have expressed their own preference?

Isn't this his achievement, and therefore his choice? I am flabbergasted!

In this alleged scenario the DH only said he wanted op - the backbone of his achievement, the reason he was promoted, apparently - there after she kicked off.

So it appears the autonomy he used was the one op said he could have 🤣

I must have missed the part about "kicking off" - did she kick up a stink? Or did she say to her husband that she felt hurt that she was being excluded?

Me and my husband have been chatting about this thread this morning and he said he couldn't imagine having a celebratory meal without me, it would absolutely go without saying that I'd be invited as his wife.

The fact you cannot see how bat shit this woman is after 4 pages of diatribes about how this promotion is as much her achievement as his, he couldn't have done it without her, everything she sacrificed (but they don't have any kids, she hasn't moved to follow his work or given up her own full time career so there aren't any sacrifices to be seen) and ranting about how she's the only important person in his life, a wife usurps the parents, he should ditch his parents for her and she thinks it's generous that she allows him to his mum alone 8 times a year is just wild! Two flesh become one so his mum should just fuck off? Really!?!

It's fine for his parents to want to see him alone sometimes, the fact that he was fine with it until she told him she wasn't having it and now she expects him to blow up his relationship with his mum speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. She sounds extremely possessive and controlling. My husband goes out with his parents without me regularly, why is it a problem?

The original post was written in such a way that his initial preference was that his wife attend. I skim read through the bulk of the middle as it's a long thread.

Horses for courses, but for me and my husband this would be very strange! It would go without saying that we would all celebrate together and he would find it odd if his parents specified I would be excluded, and he himself would push back first!

I think perhaps the OP has omitted some pertinent information that may explain the situation with more clarity.

Judging by her increasingly bizarre posting manner its almost a certainty she kicked off in this alleged incident.

Even if she didnt, he only gave his parents the speech about her being the cornerstone of his success after she kicked off/moaned/whatever.

My DP used to go out a fair bit with just his parents. They went on a few weekends away too for birthdays etc. No big deal at all, but i dont need to be joined at the hip with my DP tbf.

I think your text is lovely and very generous...more than she deserves. As the mother of sons I'd be horrified if they put me before their wives. They didn't choose me, I am lucky to have them and part of their growing is to leave the nest and make their own nest where both partners love and cherish each other. The sense of ownership of children is completely wrong. Your husband clearly recognises your incredible contribution.

im sorry but in day to day life your wife comes before your mother. No woman wants their husband to say my mom is more important than you. A dating relationship sure but not marriage. I said big boy words sarcastically bc people were saying that my husband didn’t want me along so I sarcastically was saying well that’s funny bc he used his big boy words to tell his mom I was an integral part of his success and he doesn’t want to celebrate without me. You never heard in marriage vows a pastor say and the two become one flesh really???

While I think to the mothers obviously their bond with their child is no other but it doesn’t go the other way. To a man if he felt like his bond with his mother was stronger then the one with his own wife then he prob shouldn’t be married in the first place and stay living with his mother. I feel the same way if we were to have kids and I had a son (a daughter too) but we are specifically talking sons here and he grew up and didn’t put his wife first I would wonder where I went wrong. A decent mother would understand that when a man marries his wife now comes first and would encourage that

The 8 times a year thing was said in response to people claiming he doesn’t see his mom alone and I said he sees her alone just about once a month and I don’t think that’s exactly a rarity

”Two become one flesh” isn’t part of the standard marriage vows in the Church of England (or Catholic Church in England as far as I recall), so no. I’ve only been to weddings in these churches or non-religious weddings - which definitely don’t talk about two becoming one flesh.

This whole thread is mad. It's completely reasonable to assume a celebratory meal like this would include OP. I've read all 90 of her posts and it's beyond me why she's been accused of all the stuff about centering herself and trying to take credit for something.

I think OP has been understandably hurt and has responded completely reasonably. I can't imagine my MIL excluding me from a meal like this. It would be utterly bizarre.

But this is very over the top, dramatic reaction on her part. Its one dinner. One dinner. And it's turned into a thread of 24 pages where she won't accept any position other than her own...

Did you read her 'two become one flesh' comment? Seems completely bizarre...

But hey ho, each to their own.