AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

And I made vows to him! So bc they known him longer their relationship is more important I don’t think so

Well by giving in to his mom’s wishes despite knowing it hurts his wife and that she is excluding his wife it’s saying I choose my mom’s wishes over my wife’s feelings. It’s said on here and elsewhere all the time that you should be a united front and stand by your spouse and refuse for your spouse to be disrespected so my spouse did and now it’s a problem. If he were to go despite it hurting his wife he would be rewarding their rude behavior. Ever hear the saying, “don’t sit at a table where your spouse isn’t welcome.” And you have a spouse problem not an in law problem? So if my spouse went without me despite them rudely excluding me and my deeply hurt feelings wouldn’t I be told, “well you have a husband problem not a mil problem he went despite knowing you were hurt clearly he isn’t as loyal of a husband and doesn’t care about your feelings you have a spouse problem not an in law problem and you should focus on that.” So my husband showed he won’t let his wife be disrespected and we had a united front. He put his wife first there perfectly normal and expected in a healthy marriage

I'm now totally in agreement with this. That last diatribe by OP which essentially says that because they're married, he must cast aside his parents (well mother's to be accurate) wishes is barking. All this guff about being deeply hurt and hugely disrespected, over a bloody meal!

Yes exactly!!! Can we stop with the narrative that I'm somehow restricting my husband's alone time with his mom? They see each other about 8 times a year, which is roughly once a month - that's a pretty regular occurrence, if you ask me. I've respected their alone time, and I think it's only fair that I'm included in a fancy dinner celebrating a huge accomplishment of my husband's.

It's not like I'm crashing every little lunch with his mom it's a dinner at a nice restaurant celebrating my husband and his achievement and as his wife this is the one occasion yes , I'd expect to be welcomed with open arms. Given that they do get their alone time, I think it's reasonable to expect to be part of this celebration. Let's please stop making it seem like they never get alone time.

It’s not a crazy notion that yes once married your wife comes first. I’m sure my mil expects that she is the most important woman in her husband’s life.

Completely agree. I cannot understand all the vitriol towards OP. No one in their right mind would exclude the wife or partner at a celebratory meal. It’s rude and hurtful and considering their closeness previously, totally incomprehensible !

Well yes a choice between hurting your wife or mother if you choose mommy you aren’t respecting your marriage or putting her first. Your spouse comes first. It’s two become one flesh

Yanbu. At all. I have just got a big promotion and would absolutely want my husband there to celebrate with me. He did support me a lot so of course I'd want him there.

In your position, though, I wouldn't want to destroy my relationship with my in laws.

So I think I'd take them out to dinner to celebrate the promotion.Would be the bigger person and go out, all 4 of you, with you treating them.

YANBU. I strongly suggest you stop responding to the weird attacks from people who somehow think you are answerable to them - you aren't and you answer their questions if you wish to, not because they demand it. Your MIL is being a bitch.

His mother grew him in her own body, gave birth to him, loved him and raised him and sacrificed for him for 21 years. When she is old and frail and needs caring for your husband should be putting her first and caring for her in her fragile years as she cared for him as a child. That's family. They share blood, DNA, history and ancestry. The bond between mother and child is sacred, not being a mother yourself means you don't understand that I think because I didn't truly understand it until my daughter was born. I am tied to my husband by a shared ancestry through our daughter, we are bloody family and always will be but the love I feel for him pales in comparison to the love for my daughter and now understand how my mother feels about me and it's not something I fully comprehended until my daughter was born. I was married once before my now husband, he was abusive and I'm well rid of him. We've been divorced 8 years with no shared children, he's literally nothing to me, nothing tied him to me. No shared family, no shared children, just a person I chose to spend my life with until it became clear it would be a miserable life so removed him from my life. Now eight years on he is no more relevant than a stranger in the street. The bonds of marriage can be broke and in just a few years it's like they were never there in the first place, the bonds of family are for a lifetime. So yes, his mother is more important because she came first, she was there at the beginning, she will be there at the end and she sacrificed more than you think you ever have by doing extra house work. Sacrifices you will never understand unless you choose to have your own children. If you choose to have children the magnitude of the bond of parent to child will shake you to your core and you'll look back on this top trumps game and be embarrassed you were so naive .

This is a little intense, no?

Two become one flesh?

Okay this is starting to sound a little unhinged...

This is getting a bit dramatic now. 🤔

But in this situation, you are completely free to celebrate this amazing promotion with your DH whenever you want. No-one is stopping that. With or without husband's parents present.
What you are saying is that his mother is not allowed the same celebration without you present. Period. You are choosing to take his mother's request for a celebratory dinner without you as a rejection.

Seems like the OP is trying to liven up a dull Sunday to me. So much time spent replying on this thread and she hasn’t changed her position at all, apart from acknowledging that she was a bit overzealous and unreasonable in claiming credit for her husband’s promotion.

A little intense??! I would say borderline psychotic bc I’m pretty sure the husband wife bond is just as strong. I stood by him since we were teenagers I think I earned that. And we have a happy and healthy and strong marriage people comment on it all the time how we are perfect for each other. Sucks that she picked a bad partner but just bc she is bitter about that doesn’t make my marriage any less strong so yes I would say my bond with my husband is also unbreakable as we have an awesome marriage and aren’t divorcing any time soon. Seems she is projecting a lot due to her own failed relationship

Oh Jesus Christ 😂😂😂😂😂

So after sitting on it for a while I decided to text this to my MIL: names were obviously changed. I’ll keep you posted on her response

Hey Sue! I wanted to talk to you about the dinner celebration for Bob’s promotion. To be honest, I'm pretty hurt that I wasn't included. I thought we were closer than that, and I'm wondering if I did something wrong. I also want to apologize on my end as well if Icame across like I was trying to bask in the glory of my husband’s promotion I understand of course that his promotion was 100% due to his efforts so if I gave off any other impression I do apologize. I'm hurt also by your response to my husband when he wanted me included and it seemed you didn’t care that my feelings were hurt and I was waiting for you to reach out to me and you didn’t so I am reaching out to you to clear the air. I would love to get together for coffee or lunch, or even just a phone call to discuss this. I think we can clear the air and understand what's going on. Let me know what works for you. I love you and care deeply about our relationship.

I read almost this exact same thread a year to eighteen months ago, complete with the American DIL arguing passionately that her amazing marriage meant more than some random woman who just gave birth to and raised her husband.

This seems to me as though MN are just repeating a bait thread to get more eyes on it so they can increase their advertising. This seems to be happening more and more these days.

You think your bond is the same as a mother and child because you don't have children and have literally no idea what a mother/child bond is actually like.

Your relationship with your husband is completely different to the one he has with his mother. This idea that he somehow needs to put one family member ahead of another is really odd and off-putting.

Clearly not . . .

OP, I understand you feel hurt but as you said, you have always been treated equally and included. Just let him go.

He shouldn't be in a situation where he is has to chose to hurt his DM or DW. They invited him out once, you have always been included previously so it's not a history of bad behaviour he needs to defend you for. I get you are miffed but have turned this into something much bigger than it needs to be. It could have just been an oh that's odd moment and watch and see how future events are handled.

I would think all this is tainting the whole thing for him. Is it worth jeopardising a good MIL DIL relationship over one meal?

No I was responding to the poster who was using extremely intense language saying that his bond with his mother is more important than his bond with his wife and I strongly disagree

Not a crazy notion, I agree but let's be brutally frank here, marriages end all the time.
When all is said and done, it's probably going to be a man's mother who, if required, will sacrifice herself to save his life (even when that child is an adult) not his wife.

So get off your high horse and appreciate the reality that his mother is the one woman in his life who will love him forever no matter what the fuck he does and that your love for him is conditional (like ALL romantic/sexual relationships).

If you accept this, you will see that you are in a very different position to her and stop this ridiculousness about being in some competition with her (like she's a love rival) and chill out a bit.