AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

OP - I don't understand why you are getting so much grief. I totally get where you are coming from. It all depends on relationships styes; some couples are happy to be independant of each other, others tend to work as a united pair for nearly-everything. There is no right way and wrong way, and as long as both members of the couple are happy with their relationship style, then everyone else around them should accept that with grace.

So YOU @OneFirmBlueShaker organise and fund a joint celebration! Get the aeroplanes circling over head, writing in the sky “we did it!! Joint venture achieved!!”
get your name added to his business cards and email signature… mr oneblueshaker et spouse, ensure you headline his cv..

Not obviously as mil texts me a lot and we are close and she tells me I’m the daughter she never had and we hangout

Whilst I agree in principle with you OP, I do think you've not played this well.

I'm a great believer in 'Let them'.

That's how you find out what people really think and you then can adjust your behaviour accordingly. Wise people don't make a fuss, they watch and learn.

There's nothing wrong in saying it hurt your feelings. There is something wrong with saying it to the point where he feels he has to take a stand and say if you don't come he can't come. Surely his reassurance, and you celebrating together another time, is enough? The whole dinner idea is ruined now, which means his celebration is tainted. It's not like you can all get together to celebrate his achievement without awkwardness now. Was it worth that to make your point?

Totally agree.

Very odd behaviour from the ILs and at least you know where you stand now with them. It’s good your DH seems to be on the same page as you - he’ll need to have his wits about him going forwards with his mother / your MIL if she’s started this track now. Good luck!!

Her giving birth makes their relationship direct (i.e. not via you), its natural for parents to want to celebrate their child (adult or minor)’s achievement with them with or without the presence of the said child’s spouse. However, that spouse assuming that their presence is a “natural” requirement is rather odd.

Just as it’s “natural” for you to want to go out and have a celebratory dinner as a couple, it’s equally “natural”, if not more, for his parents to want to do the same with him.

You need to accept that this is not YOUR achievement (you may have a small enabling role there as a good spouse) and they are not YOUR parents (they are just nice enough to always have treated you with kindness which reflects well on them but you seem to have taken it too far on to the assumption of “I am the daughter they never had”). May be learn to give other people’s relationships space as well and learn to appreciate others’ achievements instead of making them all about yourself?

I think it’s very weird she doesn’t want you there. It would make me wonder if I had done something wrong. Why don’t you call her and ask what’s going on?

OP when I first read your post I was a bit more on your side, why shouldn't you be there especially if your husband said he wants you there...but your replies to all the other posts makes me think you are taking this way too personally and honestly, this isn't worth it. It's a dinner. One dinner.

I wouldn't mind at all if my in laws wanted to have a celebratory dinner with just my husband, especially when I am included in everything else. Tbh I actively encourage my husband to have time with his parents without me, it doesn't minimise my relationship with him or with them. In the same way I like to have one on one time with each of my kids. I just don't think this is worth your getting upset this about.

But different folks, different strokes etc

I don't see anything wrong with it tbh. At first I thought it was going to be a big do with lots of other people there except you. Parents wanting to celebrate treat their son, that seems fair enough to me. Are you and DH doing something to celebrate as well?

I think the OP is hurt because she’s not been excluded from anything else and the “son is a son til he takes a wife” remark was out of nowhere, especially when she’s been led to believe she was part of the family.

I think it’s more of a milestone in the life of a husband wife than of the parent and son and the wife should be a part of that celebration

Stop now.. this is getting embarrassing

Yes I live in the US. Maybe it’s a cultural difference? Because it’s really frowned upon here in the US to explicitly exclude a spouse out of a nice dinner let alone when the guest of honor is said spouse!

Well it kinda is he can’t have his wife there just like their son can’t have his wife there. Or is it because it’s ok for an older couple to disregard the marriage of the younger couple but not ok vice versa? And before you say well it’s his parents well I’m there DIL and their son’s wife

Have you just referred to yourself as the "guest of honour"? At a family dinner? OK...

Nope a promotion affects the husband and wife more than the mother son. Making daily life decisions such as possibly having to move is something that affects the wife and their household more than the mother and son so wife trumps

It might have been a typo my bad but I was saying that why wouldn’t you invite the guest of honor’s own spouse meaning my husband is the guest of honor why wouldn’t you include his spouse???

He didn’t marry his mother he married his wife his daily life is with his wife not his mother. Why do you say his mother is more important than his wife? Would you be happy if your wife said his mother is more important than you? I seriously doubt it

wtf. She sees her son throughout the year alone you act like I said they never hangout alone plus she says I’m like the daughter she never has texts me all the time she would just be cordial and polite when she saw me with my husband if she really felt that way not go out of her way to text me. She has known me since I was a teenager crazy if she didn’t feel any closeness or family ties to me

Surely prioritise in order are
Wife/husband
Children
Parents.
Siblings

Yes wife or husband can go out with their parents for a meal or a visit.
But this is a celebration that affects the whole family in this case wife.
She should also be there for the celebration.
I'm glad your DH is on the same page as you.

It’s not wild for couples that have been together since they were teenagers to come as a package especially married ones. A lot of couples especially when their time is limited due to long and crazy work schedules to see each other together. It should be the exception not the rule that the spouse isn’t welcome to see family.

Beyond embarrassing really!!

How mediocre your own career must have to be for you to want to fully claim and aggressively dominate your spouse's professional achievement and make the celebration all about yourself.

Having seen OP's latest responses, I am gonna bow out of this thread on the assumption that may be my interpretation of her personality being like that of a cult leader is down to our cultural differences as I am not American. All the best OP, hope your spouse realises one day that not all women out there are as controlling as it seems as of now, the poor fella doesn't know any better.

to add to to that best friends are super close text all the time hangout are you saying deep down they really hate each other bc according to your theory of keep your enemies closer and all that that’s what you would do with someone you didn’t like so how could you ever really know if someone truly likes you or the see you as an enemy they are trying to keep close???