AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Why are you so regimented about familial relationships? There are times when my father absolutely comes first before my partner. And when my partner's mother comes before me. Your DH's relationship with his parents existed before yours and is no less significant – the woman gave birth to him, for crying out loud!

Again, you're not more important than his parents.. this attitude is why you're not invited.

I agree with that it was over the top to expect to be equally praised for my husband’s accomplishments.

@OneFirmBlueShaker

I mean they kind of go hand in hand joe can you think someone is lovely and a supportive spouse while simultaneously thinking they are inserting themselves and why text me and hangout with me if she really felt that way and why not talk to me about it like family does?

You can like and respect someone and think they are a good partner for someone but still feel they've overstepped the line.

Managing the relationship between yourself, your child and their spouse is always delicate and its hard for a parent to push back without risking causing a rift with their child: you have to pick your battles and tread carefully.

You MIL clearly values you and understands that you have a good marriage to her son so she doesn't want to rock the boat needlessly. But she clearly felt strongly that she wanted time with her son without you on this occasion.

I can't know why she didn't talk to you about it because I don't know you or her but based on the way you've reacted to it and the way you're talking about your marriage, I can guess that she was apprehensive that you would fly off the handle if she asked to have a dinner with her son and his father. And turns out she was right.

It's a two-way street. You're not unreasonable to feel upset that she didn't feel she could talk to you about this. But you owe it to yourself and to your in-laws to take a look at yourself and ask whether you are creating this dynamic.

I feel, based on the way you've talked about this, that you feel that your relationship with your husband is at the top of the hierarchy and you need to be involved with every decision, every social event, every conversation.

She obviously doesn't feel like this and wants some space to have a relationship with her son on her own terms. You can kick off about this and create drama but I think you'd be very wise to try to see it from her point of view.

Honestly OP I'm shocked at all the s**t you've been given over this.

You have a close and supportive relationship with your DH, and he acknowledges your support has helped him succeed.

You have, up until now, enjoyed a close and loving relationship with your MIL, independent of your DH.

He wants you at the celebratory dinner with his parents (both of whom he sees multiple times during the year without OP, especially his DF, as they share an enjoyment of sports).
So much so that he doesn't want to go if you is not included.

Your DH'S own DF wants you there and doesn't understand why MIL has made such a strange decision re not inviting you.

Much has been made of you 'inserting yourself into the narrative', of making DH'S promotion all about you etc etc.
Nonsense.
Exaggerated nonsense.

OP, I think your MIL has been incredibly rude and hurtful by excluding you from this celebratory dinner. I'm sure your DH is very upset that his DM is causing such a rift in the family, and has upset you so much.

If I were you I would be very tempted to organise your own celebratory dinner for your DH, and invite your parents.
But that's just me...

Our marriage is strong and we been together since I was a teenage pretty sure he is more himself with me than anyone wtf??

Out of all of that post, that’s what you got out of it? That a woman is being blamed for her husband’s actions (who is blaming you for your DH’s actions, btw? I think posters are having a go at YOU for YOUR actions!) and is therefore sexist? Your answer to any accusations is….attack? Not defence or rebuttal or explanation or justification?

It’s not the apportioning of blame I was getting at anyway. It’s the “I’m here as the wife now, I come first, I’m the more important spouse, I’m certainly more important than the parents” attitude.

I think this is the crux of the problem. OP seems to be quite rigid about her position in her DH's priority list but life isn't quite that black and white. Priorities change depending on the situation.

The question for me is... did DH ask for OP to be included in the dinner of his own accord or because he felt pressured into doing so by OP?

even if it’s bc I stated my feelings what’s wrong with being honest with your own husband about your feelings hey when your parents excluded me it really hurt my feelings and your husband speaking up on behalf of his wife’s feelings? That’s normal in a marriage to stand united and protect your wife’s feelings first. They always say in law issues discuss with your spouse and not your in laws so I discussed with my own spouse and he acted accordingly

You're still doing it OP! You're treating it like a competition between you and his in-laws. Just stop and listen to yourself for a second.

Setting up this antagonism between yourself and them over who controls your husband is very likely the reason you're in this position now. I'd put money on this being the reason why they want a bit of time with him on his own. They're tired of fighting for his attention.

Please just take a step back and try to reset the way you look at it. I pretty much guarantee your relationship with them will improve if you can stop treating it like a turf war.

And our decisions about where we move or don’t move isn’t between us and his partners it’s between us as a married couple that’s a married couple decisions. They need to stop inserting themselves into our marriage! Especially his mother if that’s the case

Oh yes of course, I completely forgot about the one and only criterion for professional promotions these days: “Is your wife emotionally supportive?”, “If the answer is yes then there you go with this big promotion and make sure you share it EQUALLY with her” and “you are absolutely forbidden to celebrate this achievement without her and even if the woman who gave birth to you and raised you suggests this, you ought to put her right back in her place”, appraisal over!!!!

"...They need to stop inserting themselves into our marriage!..."

Did I miss something?

I think op means that they are doing so because they’re not acknowledging her amazingness??

That’s a matter of opinion though isn’t it? Why do you get to determine what is a lot it Selena’s totally on life circumstances and we don’t get much couple times and he works tons of hours between friends seeing family together husband wife time it’s hard and I think considering the circumstances it’s a decent amount. That’s great for your brother but everyone is different and just bc your brother sees your mom more not sure why my husband is inherently wrong for it being 8 times a year? Besides if that’s what works for them why do you care so much? And what does my relationship with my mother have to do with his? Not everything is the same

So here is where I'm starting to think twice. When his parents suggested a dinner just with him, he accepted it and saw no problem. Then, you told him it upset you, and he rightly let them know and considered your feelings. But, he had seen no problem with it just being them to start with. So OP I'm afraid that it was meant to just be parents celebrating their child and having a moment to look at their son all grown up and feel lots of emotions. With this insight - that your DP only pushed back because you were upset - changes things for me. I think you should have encouraged DH to have this dinner with his parents, and arranged a different event to celebrate at another time. YABU.

I must confess that I did originally think that OP's MIL was completely out of line, especially in doubling-down on her insistence that the dinner was just for her, her husband and her son. In many respects, I still think this is true (to an extent) and a strange hill to die on. But... the more OP posts, the more unhinged and inflexible she is coming across as so I think there is much more to this than meets the eye. It would be very interesting to hear what MIL had to say about this whole situation. Alas, we'll never know.

But again what’s wrong if it did hurt my feelings by stating that to my husband? If you can’t be honest with your husband who can you be? At the end of the day it’s better to be honest and say this hurt my feelings then let resentment build up there not good for a healthy marriage. So a husband doesn’t like seeing his wife hurt and understandably I was very hurt in this situation what’s wrong that he put his wife’s feelings first. Why does it matter at the end of the day the nuances of if it bothered him or bothered me? We are married we a married and there’s nothing absolutely wrong with getting someone to see the bigger picture of why it’s hurtful. Sometimes it takes explaining and another perspective.

Ah right @OneFirmBlueShaker this is an extreme example of “what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is ours”?
your relationship with YOUR family is not to be looked at.. but get to decide his with his family?

This thread is bonkers. OP states the issue, posters pile on her asking why she thinks she could be included, she explains why, then is forced to explain why repeatedly, and then the repetition is taken as evidence that she's obsessive and inflexible.

OP I'd suggest you just stop arguing and call your MIL 🫣😁

Your response here is interesting OP. Do you have rules, in your own head at least, around when people “should” see each other? Because those rules aren’t a thing for most people. They see parents and extended family separately or together, depending on the occasion, situation or their time.

I think your ideas are perhaps quite fixed, and the real issue is MIL not meeting your expectations rules.

I also think your assertion that your DH seeing MIL one on one is generous, really odd phrasing.

Where did I say that? I said when I asked my mother point blank if I got a promotion and her and my dad wanted to take me out to celebrate will they include my husband bc that’s the reversal of what happened to me and my mom said duh this is a big deal for your husband to you are married it would be awful not to include him

I think you’re knit picking at my words and splitting hairs here. I’m not sure why everyone is so hung up that my husband sees his mom once every other month alone or so that wasn’t the point of my OP for strangers to determine how often is often enough to see one’s parents? Surely that varies from family to family and as long as they are happy with the amount why is it up for debate why don’t guys care what another family does. I said the word generous bc I meant in comparison to everything we have going on with my husband working so many hours me working so many hours him traveling for work seeing his friends my friends spending time just the two of us seeing family together. Again I’ve been best friends she is pretty much a sister to me the closest person besides my husband in my life and I see her sometimes 8-10 times a year and trust me we are close as ever.

Omg this post and OP’s comments are the biggest adult tantrum I’ve seen on mumsnet lately. OP you need to grow up.

It’s not about her giving birth to him it’s about its natural for a spouse to be a part of a celebration for their own spouse and that’s how this dinner was phrased as. Why does her giving birth make it ok to exclude me as his wife