AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

OP, why do you keep saying “mom” instead of mum? Are you in the US? Family dynamics and cultural norms are slightly different over there.

Huh? Will be the response of many…

@OneFirmBlueShaker mentioned Thanksgiving so I’m guessing yes.

I didn’t say “she must have dementia”

I said it was a “perhaps unlikely possibility”.
OP said her FiL was somewhat bemused by MiL’s insistence on this. It appears to be out of character.
I dare say it’s unlikely but also it is a possibility.

As regards claiming credit for a husband’s achievement - it’s not about claiming credit. But the fact is it is much easier to focus single mindedly on whatever the matter in hand is when one doesn’t have to bother oneself with all the annoying practicalities of life. Of course it helps a person along the way.

I’m saying why frame it as a celebratory dinner for his promotion then bc of course his wife is going to wonder why she isn’t a part of that be upfront of what it is? Why is that a wild expectation?

@OneFirmBlueShaker it sounds like you have a happy marriage, there’s no point falling out with your husband or FIL about this.

Invite your father in law out for a lovely meal and state it would be nice for you both to have some time with him on his own.

See if your mother in law sees how unreasonable she’s being.

Because that’s the same…😖

how bc I described my relationship with my mil as a great positive and close one? How is my mask slipping?

It's two parents celebrating their son. The wife should respect they have a relationship with him that's autonomous to the one she has with him.

I mean they kind of go hand in hand joe can you think someone is lovely and a supportive spouse while simultaneously thinking they are inserting themselves and why text me and hangout with me if she really felt that way and why not talk to me about it like family does?

@OneFirmBlueShaker I agree with you that this is odd. Like you, I’ve been with my DH for a long time since university days and our lives have changed a lot since then as a result of our partnership. There have been times when he’s shouldered more ‘life’ stuff and times when I have. We view our achievements as a team effort. That’s not to say that we don’t celebrate the other’s success and attribute it appropriately, though. I would be extremely hurt, puzzled, confused if my in-laws wanted to celebrate a major life success such as a big promotion without me. Fair enough, as others have said, maybe they want to treat their son. But I’d expect this to be something more low-key and I agree that a big celebratory dinner without you is strange. I hope you manage to sort things out and it doesn’t sour relations. Congratulations to your DH on his promotion (and to you!).

Look if you otherwise get on OK with his family, I'd leave it be.
They have raised him and maybe they want special time with 'their boy'. This may not make sense to you but it is within the bounds of reasonability.
No offence but who, once this is pointed out to them, would give this anymore headspace?
Just let it go ffs.

It's really nothing.

I think it’s awful of your MiL to exclude you from this esp when you all seem to have a good relationship normally.

Have you spoken to her yet about this? Really hope you can talk things through and get back to your normal happy relationship

Presumably because she's learned how to handle your sensitivities over the years and knows you wouldn't react well to a direct conversation.

Your ego sounds fragile. Why can your DH's success only be celebrated if your part in it is widely acknowledged by everyone? What if his boss wants to take him out for a posh dinner? Are you going to insist on being invited to that too?

Nope understandably so he is putting his wife first and he doesn’t want to go unless I’m included. You really think his mother is more important than his own wife

Ok sure but if that was the case she really felt that way she wouldn’t go out of her way to text me hangout with me etc she would just be cordial and polite when me and her son was visiting her. Someone who felt that way wouldn’t foster a close relationship with them

When it comes to his parents wanting to take their son and only child out to dinner to mark a significant moment in his life, then yes. In this instance, his mother ranks higher. She just wants to celebrate her son.

Well actually yes.

It sounds like they just want one evening of him to themselves, that doesn’t sound unfair to me, I regularly go out with my mum, just us.

It’s not a competition, can’t you just celebrate as a couple another night? I don’t understand the drama when you say they’ve been lovely towards you all other times.

Meghan markle? Yeah she got blamed for her husbands actions. Typical that the woman gets blamed for the husband actions such sexism

Ever heard of the phrase "keep your enemies close"?

She probably acknowledges that you and her son come as a package and if she wants her son in her life, she needs to place nice with his wife.

Umm no just like my husband comes before my father I expect as his wife I come before his mother so when his mother shuts out his wife I expect my husband to stand by me as his wife and show a united front he is married to me not his mother

It does seem strange that she isn’t including you on this occasion but this is not the hill I’d die on. If you make a huge fuss and insist on going or if the whole event is cancelled because your dh doesn’t want to go without you then the family relationship is unrecoverable. I would just accept that your pil would like to take your dh out alone on this occasion and arrange your own celebration at a later date.

As per my user name I am the mother of three boys and a mother in law of just two years. Dil and I are both finding our way with each other at the moment and currently, would not invite one out without the other but I do miss having ds to myself sometimes. My dil is a lovely girl and we see them as a couple most weeks which is probably more my dil’s doing than my ds. It would undoubtedly all be even harder if he was my only child.