AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

It's just two parents wanting to celebrate with their son, so I find it odd that you and other PP have such a problem with it. I do lots of things separately with my parents and vice versa with my partner and his mum. Them wanting a dinner with just the three of them is no reflection on you, nor does it dismiss your contribution to his success. It's about them, as parents, wanting to have a lovely night out with their child. It happens so rarely as adults that it's nice when the opportunity arises.

I think your reaction is extreme. I am married a long time and over those years, I have had dinner with just my parents, sometimes also with my siblings. Often the reason was to acknowledge/ celebrate a milestone event.
This doesn't show a lack of care for my husband but we will talk about times when I was younger & relatives / friends of times before my husband was part of our lifes.
My dh was happy for us to enjoy time together.
My dh gets the opportunity to spend a lot of time with my parents just like you & be involved in other important meals.
Your husband's promotion is a milestone in his and his parents life that they want to recognise with their son. What's the harm in that.
I'm guessing the intention made by it, is now replaced with the focus of why you ( who have provided so much support to your husband) aren't invited.
You could have had your own celebration. I feel sorry for your mil for the way both her son & you have reacted.
I think a phone call with your mil could come acoss as you putitng pressure on her.
My children are now adults and I would be a bit sad that if we suggested a rare dinner with 1 of our children that they & their long term partner/ spouse would be put out the long term partner was not invited.

Come on… but she said she supported him emotionally! How did you miss that?! 😂

Please don't do this. It's very bad advice.

I’d also add that I’d be pretty irritated if my DH repeatedly insisted all of my successes were also his, and I could never have achieved them without him. It’s belittling and very egotistical. Because it’s rubbish- he has supported and helped me along the way by being a loving husband, certainly, but I think that I would, in all likelihood, have been just as successful if I’d remained single or married someone else.

Im getting main character syndrome vibes .....

It is generally more a US thing to have a celebration dinner for a promotion and to display qualifications in frames on the wall.

The fact that they don’t even have children and she’s using doing the housework as proof of her support of him is funny. It’s like when people who don’t have kids talk about how busy they are…they don’t know what busy really means!

That's no surprise.

Jesus christ just call her and ask if anything is going on.

oh come on. You need to back off, they have obviously had too much of you, read the signs. The way you post is far too intense and I can imagine they can't breathe without you controlling the relationship. And I don't think you know what sacrifices mean, you are taking far too much credit for someone else's achievement. (How do I make this about me? vibe)

I see her prob once a month maybe a little less alone but my dad I rarely see alone. But the equivalent to mother son isn’t mother daughter it’s father daughter mother son mother daughter and father and son

Why?

Well, next time MIL comes round and there’s laundry and clutter everywhere and popcorn for the evening meal because @OneFirmBlueShaker has stopped making the effort, it will be immediately apparent.

Riiiiggghht…..

You are getting a very hard time op and not really sure why. Your mil was inappropriate, your DH told her so and has declined the invitation, that's the end of it. You are entitled to feel hurt. You have a good DH. Don't worry what anyone else says.

Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t make it AI! 🙄

Jesus. Real life really isn't that prescriptive.

She's probably just fed up of you claiming his achievements for yourself. If you want to be celebrated then get your own promotion.

A lot of parents of only children have difficulty in allowing them to grow up and become independent. Not all of them by any means, but having all their eggs in one basket, brings pressure on the AC and a feeling of disconnection to the parent when their only AC forges an independent life. No doubt I'll get slaughtered for saying that but there we are. If your MIL had other AC to divert her, she may be less intense on this kind of occasion.

Shoehorn myself into the family? Am I not family if I’m married to my husband what do you mean by into the narrative? And I understand completely what you mean by taking credit for his promotion I am calming down on that as I hear what others are saying that it is my husbands doing and while I cheered him on my husband working hard is all him so I understand I came on strongly with that but I’ve been around since I was a teenager and I have my own close relationship with his mom it’s a two way street we both hangout and text each other not sure how I’m shoehorning myself into the family I’m just making an effort with the family I married into? And the narrative? Huh

Totally agree. From the MIL 100%

This seems very deliberate by your MIL..She has planned a big event at a posh restaurant and excluded you. and to keep pushing it in the face of your DH disagreeing, just seems odd, especially that you have said you have a good relationship and that your DH often sees his parents without you and his Dad doesn't understand the exclusion either.

It just seems like very hurtful behaviour. If she hasn't intended it as such, it clearly has hurt you and your DH has stated this, yet she is still holding out without any explanation.

I agree with pps that the most likely explanation is that they want to discuss something major. But if that is so, why do that at an event that is supposed to be a celebration, it wouldn't really be an event about your DH but an event about their news or announcement. If its something serious, would anyone want to be invited to a "celebration" and then dropped a bombshell in a fancy resturant.

None of it makes sense.

If they do want to discuss business, or something serious with him - as you've already said.. why not do that over coffee or at a visit to their house.. why make it in to such a big deal.

I agree OP that its worth asking her why she's doing this.

huh?