AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Yabu. I've been with my dh for 30 years. I wouldn't expect to automatically be invited to everything he does with his family, especially if you're usually invited to things.
Maybe they just want some time with their son.
I also have to be honest and say I'm not sure where the sacrifices have been made on your part.
Usually people say this when there's children and the person taking care of the home life. also had the capacity to be a high flyer but gave it up to assist with the extremely unsocial hours of the other person that can sometimes mean relocating.

Politely I say you're making a fuss over nothing.

Really? Have you not ever heard the saying "behind every great man is a great woman"?
I have a BiL who climbed the corporate ladder big time - the stock exchange was informed when he retired! The career route involved frequent moves around the country which obviously impacted my sister's ability to develop her own career. There was much overseas travel and towards the end he was spending 50% of his time overseas. My sister is no Stepford wife/doormat - Mum was shocked to hear that when he returned from an overseas trip he would likely find a note saying supper was in the fridge, put it in the oven to reheat because she was out somewhere. Wherever they moved to she always made herself a social circle, joining bridge clubs, rambling groups and that sort of thing. But who looked after their son when he was away, did school runs etc even when he was home? Who looked after his beloved dogs? Who put that dinner in the fridge for when he came home? Who went to company dinners and social events with him? Who liaised with his secretary before booking a holiday? How much easier it is to climb the corporate ladder if you can divest yourself of all the other time consuming mind numbing day to day practicalities of life.
Of course OP will have been an integral part of her husband's success.

I'd be fuming OP.

Maybe the answer is for your DH to pass on a celebration dinner hosted by your in laws and instead you both make an arrangement for a celebration to which you invite them?

The other, perhaps unlikely, possibility is that your MiL is in the early stages of developing dementia, and this is a character change related to that? There can be subtle changes, and unexpected fixations that are out of character which can cause much upset until some time down the line a diagnosis makes a lot of events clear in retrospect. Maybe just give the whole thing a pass, let them have their dinner with your DH (if he is prepared to go without you), shrug your shoulders, back off a bit on your relationship with your mil and see how life pans out. As I said I'd be fuming. But also it's just a dinner. Perhaps because I work in the health service and see a lot of cancer patients plus other disorders, the older I get, the more I find so many things are just not that important.

Its weird and a bit shitty that she didnt want you to go but I agree a lot with pps that his promotion is his own achievement which im sure he could have done without you "cheering him on" and going to some work events witb him. Also 8 times a YEAR is not a lot of time spent with his mum 1 on 1. My brother visits my mum every couple of weeks, sometimes more when he can. I bet you see your own mum way more.

Id leave this now. Honestly.

Agenerous amount? So you see you are being generous letting him see his mum 8 times a year?
again, how often do you see your family without him?

Well then, it really is extremely puzzling. I'd go low contact with MIL for a while. Of course you feel hurt. Don't let this become a thorn in your relationship with your husband though. Wave him off wishing him a nice time as another poster suggested, and be sure to book the fanciest restaurant you can find for your celebratory meal with just the two of you.

I'm still hoping she lives there 😂

What go along and demand to be paid for?

Hes an only child

Christ that sounds unhinged. Don’t do that

I do all of this for my husband and would still never claim credit for his actual work.

i hate the ol’ she must have early stages of dementia. Maybe the MIL just wants to see her son alone and shouldn’t be told her mental abilities are fading. If my MIL offered to take my DH for dinner alone I wouldn’t think anything of it.

You haven't answered the question, have you?

I think you need to grow up. Re-read the thread and think about why you feel you need to be in control of and at the centre of everything. Honestly, his mum's timing is well off but I do feel for her.

She mentioned Thanksgiving so American or Canadian. The way she’s talking screams American who has had a lot of talk therapy and an overly prioritised sense of self.

Bc a lot of posters are saying he wants to go but that’s my point he is nearly 40 and chose to tell his parents he wants me there so geo given his age the fact he is the one who said he wants me there crazy thought i know but it’s safe to say he wants me there I mean being we are married and all crazy I know

I think 8 times a year alone with his mom is actually a pretty decent amount and a generous amount

This makes you sound really controlling. A generous amount of time?! Who are you to be ' generous' or not about how much time with he spends with his mum? And the weird way you have decided its okay for him to see his Dad frequently but not his Mum.

I answered the question they see each other alone typically every other month a little more often than that about 8 times a year. So it’s not like his mom never sees him alone why do you feel for her ? Bc her son rightfully stood up for his wife and placed her first surely that can’t shock her that he wants his wife included in a celebration

I have never come across someone being this entitled to their husband’s professional achievement. You sound like the very definition of “me, myself and I”, “if not me then no one and nothing else” type. Your husband, having lived with you for long enough, has chosen to side with you to avoid drama thinking your MIL will understand as she seems to always have been (and have put up with your imposing personality rather politely which has made you believe that you have an excellent relationship with her) but for once, your MIL has put her foot down and you are having a really hard time accepting that, poor you!!!

(I would have even understood a degree of entitlement if there were kids involved and you had managed postpartum recoveries, night feeds, nursery/school pick up/drops, children’s sickness etc all by yourself while the husband focussed on his career but even that’s not the case. Neither has been any case of your DH having any form of disability that you’ve had to manage to provide extra support to his career so absolutely no f’ing clue where your entitlement is coming from - just some hand holding in some evenings when he was stressed? Presumably he did the same for you when you had moments of stress at your work, that’s pretty bog standard stuff OP, nothing to take it to the extreme of “I have to be part of part of the celebration because I am part of the team that got promoted”)

Being married doesn’t mean you need to do everything together. I see my mum often without my DH. He visits his mum for long weekends without me/the children multiple times per year. He also takes her for meals alone when she comes to visit. It’s nice for our parents to have one on one time.

US spellings over Canadian too.

I see a lot of people saying well it's his achievement not yours, well so what? You're a couple, a unit. He's not half of a couple with his mother. I'm sure those responses would be different if the OP's MIL always wanted a "celebratory dinner" on her DS's birthday and regularly excluded her DIL. I cannot imagine making a big deal out of one of my AC's achievements or birthdays and actively excluding their partners.

I'd be disappointed in my kids if they didn't show loyalty to their partners.

No, it’s because you are obviously controlling

I never said it was ok to see his dad more than his mom I just said it happened to work out that way bc he has more in common with his dad then his mom and surely being a fellow guy that’s normal? It was the other poster who decided 8 times a year wasn’t enough. Like she is the judge of that. I meant considering my husband works a ton of hours and I don’t get much husband and wife tike, time for general adult responsibilities that need to be taken care of, time with friends, time to see my side of the family, seeing family together since we don’t get much time together when we do see either side of the family we go together a lot I said it’s generous. Adult life can be a lot to juggle. I don’t even get to see my own best friend I had since I was 3 a lot it doesn’t make the friendship any less strong. I said a lot of men see their moms a lot with their wives as the wife is often the one prompting the family time so in this case I think 8 times a year is generous. I would find it odd if they asked to see him alone more often then they asked to see us together

The couple I mentioned a couple pages back where the wife used similar language when discussing her DH career advancement is an American too.

Op at the dinner….

But the words come from him again he used his big boy words unless I held him a gun point if he wanted to go he would but he doesn’t want to. And please don’t trot out the easy line of he wants an easy life bc we give men such a cop out bc they are choosing that