Page 17 | AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

OneFirmBlueShaker · 2026-03-22T14:30:56+00:00

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together. His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that." Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" . What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

sammylady37 · 22/03/2026 18:51

Having read the full thread, the word ‘wife’ has ceased to have any meaning for me and now seems really strange!

ShineBlueSky · 22/03/2026 18:52

BanditoShipman · 22/03/2026 17:25

It’s probably because you’re trying to steal his success as your own, god I hate women who are all ‘well my husband earns 6 figures/is a dr’ etc, get your own 6 figures! You don’t have children together so you haven’t enabled his success at all!

Well that's a steaming load of poo for a start.

My own situation was much the same as the OP.
I put my career advancement aside so my husband could finish his degree. This included extra work hours on my part, as well as all the household chores and admin. Children had nothing to do with it.

Original poster

OneFirmBlueShaker · 22/03/2026 18:53

PoppinjayPolly · 22/03/2026 17:28

But that does seem to be what you’re saying? He’s only seeing his mum What 8 times a year without you?
how often do you see your mum without him?

Edited

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I’m not sure what my relationship with my mom has to do with his and the reverent to mother son would be father daughter. 8 times a year seems like a lot to me? How often would you suggest he should be seeing her alone. 8 times a year is a little less often than once a month but more often than once every other month. That’s a decent amount for mother and son. A lot of sons only see their mothers with their wives or a couple times a year. Now his dad naturally being another guy there is a lot more in common so like I said they catch up once every other week watching sports and drinking a beer or two. Not sure why you are the judge over what is a normal amount to see a parent alone? Also given that he got a huge promotion he is at work a lot so given he is at work a lot and we don’t get much husband and wife time together plus we see family and typically go together since we want to be together during the limited time we have plus friends other extended family running the home etc. I think 8 times a year alone with his mom is actually a pretty decent amount and a generous amount

OP posts:

pepperminticecream · 22/03/2026 18:53

jacks11 · 22/03/2026 18:36

Whilst I do think it’s a somewhat odd fight to pick, and I think a celebratory dinner is something I’d normally have thought a spouse would be invited to, I don’t think it’s totally outrageous for them not to invite you. Just as it’s understandable that you are a bit hurt. When your husband said he wanted you there, I guess it would make more sense for his mum to have backed down. The fact that she didn’t, and this behaviour seems out of character compared to how she normally acts, suggests to me there may be something behind this.

If you normally have a good relationship, then I think you might have to consider the possibility that there is a reason. Might not be one you consider good enough, of course, but I would bet there is a reason for her to take this stance now, where previously there hasn’t been one.

As an aside, I think you are being very over dramatic. We get it, you are his wife, but I think you need to calm it down a bit- if how you interact with them is reflected to your language here than I think you might have found the source of the conflict- you come across as quite self-centred and display a need to have attention focussed on you/what you’ve done/how your DH’s successes would have been impossible without you (which is doubtful). I’m not saying you have contributed nothing, merely that it he could have managed it without you if he had to- and that what you have done is not particularly extraordinary. I wonder if you are a bit guilty of living vicariously through him and like a bit of the “reflected glory” so to speak? In the same way some parents can be with their children. Perhaps your MIL doesn’t want to celebrate you, or perhaps she thinks you are overplaying your role in your husband’s career and is fed up of pretending otherwise? Your husband has declined the invite, so that’s an end to it really, isn’t it?

I also think that whilst you are clearly a very important part of your husband’s life, you aren’t the only person in his life who cares about him and you aren’t the only person he cares about either. You don’t always have to come first- mostly, yes- but not always. Sometimes your wishes aren’t going to be the top priority. In all honesty, the way you insist his success is actually “team success” and he couldn’t have done it without you, that you need to be celebrated too etc is quite unpleasant to me. It’s grates a bit, and I would bet it isn’t 100% accurate. I’m sure you have helped and been supportive- pretty normal for a spouse…. It doesn’t make his successes down to you, and it doesn’t mean you need celebrated. Given you don’t have children that you’ve taken the majority of caring responsibility for, you haven’t supported him financially to study (or at least you haven’t said so), you haven’t been the trailing spouse with frequent moves…. So what exactly have you done that means he could never have achieved his success without you? I strongly suspect he could have. My DH and I do have children and we’ve both supported each other- but I don’t think I get to claim a stake in my husband’s success, far less demand to be celebrated on an equal footing….. it’s bonkers to me to think of it this way. We have merely been acting as I would expect a loving spouse would and being supportive of each other- it’s made things easier in some ways, sure- but we both could have achieved our goals if we’d been single. I don’t need a medal or celebrated or congratulated for simply being a good spouse.

Overall, I think I’d just move on. Your DH has declined the invite, there is no celebration meal and he’s made his feelings known. By all means, try to clear the air but perhaps better off chalked down to a difference of opinion. If you really feel the need to cool off your relationship then I would just do so quietly without a big fall out or flouncing off, because I don’t think it is something to blow up a previously good relationship. I also doubt your DH wants to be stuck in the middle- and though he might support you/take your side, he will be stuck in the middle.

Edited

This. You made great points.

Dogbite · 22/03/2026 18:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/03/2026 17:53

One would have to be astonishingly dull-witted to not realise that this is a monumental social faux pas on the part of the MIL, and a horrible snub to the OP, yet people are leaping to the MIL's defence. I don't get it. Bizarre.

It is a snub, I agree. It's quite pointed and rude.

But I think the parents are reacting like this because they've had a bellyful of the OP centring herself in her husband's success and inserting herself into the story all the time, whether wittingly or otherwise. I think they've done it to make a point and I think the OP needs to take a step back and listen.

I think this person has got it spot on. It's odd behaviour, especially around a special occasion and after your husband has said it's important to him and you that you're there... But I feel like your MIL is letting her guard down about how she really feels.

Soany people have replied trying to offer different perspectives about why this might have occured and in this way yet you literally keep repeating the same thing- you're attributable to his success, you're the most important woman/person in his life and all interactions have to go through YOU. I know you have said many times that he sees them on his own and you see MIL on your own and it seems like these superficial meetings are ok as long as nothing important is shared or discussed because everything has to go through YOU.

I suspect your MIL has nurtures a relationship with you to keep you sweet and enable her a relationship with her son. You sound stiffling, controlling and so very self-centred.

I agree, as do many other posters that you have been part of his ability to go for promotion, that's what partners do- lift up rather than put down. I agree that her choice and timing is very questionable.

However, I think you need to LISTEN and REFLECT here- You're like teflon- nothing is sticking and you keep repeating the same narrative- YOUR narrative.

Look at the bigger picture, if you're this stiffling and controlling, your DH will one day get wise to it and want to break the chains.

onetrickrockingpony · 22/03/2026 18:54

.

Andouillette · 22/03/2026 18:56

OneFirmBlueShaker · 22/03/2026 18:18

He is the one who spoke up what you think I held him at gun point to get him to say what he said? Why do you think given our close marriage he wouldn’t want me there to celebrate? Weird take

Show quote history

I strongly recommend ignoring that particular misogynist bampot.

MatronPomfrey · 22/03/2026 18:56

I think it would be odd to exclude you. My parents took my brother out when he qualified at work. They made sure it was a time they had childcare so his wife could join them. Had his wife not been supporting him at home, he wouldn’t have been able to do what he did. Different if it was early on in a relationship but you’ve been together for years.

Kingalexi · 22/03/2026 18:57

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inkyfingers · 22/03/2026 18:58

Life is good. Your husband has a fantastic promotion, you’re proud of him. You have a good relationship with MIL. What is it you want? Any invitation now will be very awkward all round the table. ‘Clearing the air’ risks a toxic atmosphere. Leave it.

JSMill · 22/03/2026 18:59

Of course you should be invited, not just because you are his wife, but having a supportive partner can make all the difference when you’re trying to get on in the world. I am sure my ILs are completely dismissive of the difference me taking the lions share of childcare and domestic duties makes to my dh. I think my df has a similar opinion about my SIL’s role. Both parents think they have just produced amazing children. Perhaps your ILs are excluding for that reason or, conversely, they see how much support you provide and are jealous.

pepperminticecream · 22/03/2026 18:59

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Can this be elaborated on?

Kingalexi · 22/03/2026 18:59

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Llamasarellovely · 22/03/2026 19:00

It is fascinating to read just the OP's posts and see how she ends up having to defend herself against a raft of increasingly bonkers assertions all supposedly, but not reasonably, inferred from her posts.

Dogbite · 22/03/2026 19:01

jacks11 · 22/03/2026 18:36

Whilst I do think it’s a somewhat odd fight to pick, and I think a celebratory dinner is something I’d normally have thought a spouse would be invited to, I don’t think it’s totally outrageous for them not to invite you. Just as it’s understandable that you are a bit hurt. When your husband said he wanted you there, I guess it would make more sense for his mum to have backed down. The fact that she didn’t, and this behaviour seems out of character compared to how she normally acts, suggests to me there may be something behind this.

If you normally have a good relationship, then I think you might have to consider the possibility that there is a reason. Might not be one you consider good enough, of course, but I would bet there is a reason for her to take this stance now, where previously there hasn’t been one.

As an aside, I think you are being very over dramatic. We get it, you are his wife, but I think you need to calm it down a bit- if how you interact with them is reflected to your language here than I think you might have found the source of the conflict- you come across as quite self-centred and display a need to have attention focussed on you/what you’ve done/how your DH’s successes would have been impossible without you (which is doubtful). I’m not saying you have contributed nothing, merely that it he could have managed it without you if he had to- and that what you have done is not particularly extraordinary. I wonder if you are a bit guilty of living vicariously through him and like a bit of the “reflected glory” so to speak? In the same way some parents can be with their children. Perhaps your MIL doesn’t want to celebrate you, or perhaps she thinks you are overplaying your role in your husband’s career and is fed up of pretending otherwise? Your husband has declined the invite, so that’s an end to it really, isn’t it?

I also think that whilst you are clearly a very important part of your husband’s life, you aren’t the only person in his life who cares about him and you aren’t the only person he cares about either. You don’t always have to come first- mostly, yes- but not always. Sometimes your wishes aren’t going to be the top priority. In all honesty, the way you insist his success is actually “team success” and he couldn’t have done it without you, that you need to be celebrated too etc is quite unpleasant to me. It’s grates a bit, and I would bet it isn’t 100% accurate. I’m sure you have helped and been supportive- pretty normal for a spouse…. It doesn’t make his successes down to you, and it doesn’t mean you need celebrated. Given you don’t have children that you’ve taken the majority of caring responsibility for, you haven’t supported him financially to study (or at least you haven’t said so), you haven’t been the trailing spouse with frequent moves…. So what exactly have you done that means he could never have achieved his success without you? I strongly suspect he could have. My DH and I do have children and we’ve both supported each other- but I don’t think I get to claim a stake in my husband’s success, far less demand to be celebrated on an equal footing….. it’s bonkers to me to think of it this way. We have merely been acting as I would expect a loving spouse would and being supportive of each other- it’s made things easier in some ways, sure- but we both could have achieved our goals if we’d been single. I don’t need a medal or celebrated or congratulated for simply being a good spouse.

Overall, I think I’d just move on. Your DH has declined the invite, there is no celebration meal and he’s made his feelings known. By all means, try to clear the air but perhaps better off chalked down to a difference of opinion. If you really feel the need to cool off your relationship then I would just do so quietly without a big fall out or flouncing off, because I don’t think it is something to blow up a previously good relationship. I also doubt your DH wants to be stuck in the middle- and though he might support you/take your side, he will be stuck in the middle.

Edited

I wish I was as eloquent as you! Spot on.

Me, myself and I sums it up.

Mintchocs · 22/03/2026 19:01

OneFirmBlueShaker · 22/03/2026 17:40

He's nearly 40, and let's be real, his career promotion is a result of our partnership and hard work, not his mom's support. We're not talking about a high school or college graduation, where parental support is expected - we're talking about a job promotion, something he's earned after years of dedication and sacrifice. We've been together since I was a teenager, and he's been out of his mom's home for nearly 20 years now. At this point, his professional achievements are a reflection of our life together, and I'm the one who's been standing by him, supporting him, and making sacrifices for our future. I'm not his mom, I'm his partner, and I should be celebrated alongside him, not excluded.

All this talk of sacrifices, it sounds very dramatic, like you bringing an amimal to an altar every saturday or something.

It's only right spouses support each other but I think what most would call support, you call sacrifice, and you seem to need a lot of gratitude as a result, and its likely really coming over very badly without you realising. I think thats why they want to just take him out.

Also if my husband went out with my ILs for this reason well fine, it sounds normal to me.

BoredZelda · 22/03/2026 19:05

diddl · 22/03/2026 15:20

The title doesn't match for me.

What "celebratory promotion dinner" are they excluding you from?

They want to take their son out to celebrate.

You/he can also do that.

I agree. They want to take their son out to celebrate his achievement, which was to get a promotion. That can happen any time, any day. The married couple can do the same. It’s not like they want him on is birthday or Christmas or something. If my MIL wanted to do this and generally included me at other times and I had no other issues with her, I wouldn't be rocking the boat with this one. It seems rather petulant, especially given what others are saying about your part in him getting the promotion. If you’ve been able to continue your full time job, how much extra graft and sacrifice has it really taken from you? If his effort meant he was never able to lift the vacuum cleaner or wash a dish, I suspect he was taking the piss. And I wouldn’t want a job that in order to get promoted I had to work ridiculously long hours that meant I had no spare time at all, not even enough to chip in to the home workload of two adults living without children.

Sure if husband wants his wife to be there, then that should happen, but would he feel the same if OP hadn’t kicked up a stink about it?

The whole “until he takes a wife” thing is weird, especially as it’s never been an issue in the many years of your marriage so far. It would only make sense if this story isn’t being told entirely accurately.

Dinnerplan · 22/03/2026 19:06

Is there anything else going on? E.g. a jealous SIL trying to manipulate/divide.

MeridianB · 22/03/2026 19:08

MIL’s behaviour is just plain weird.

For no apparent reason she is now refusing to include you in a celebratory meal. Neither you, your DH nor her DH understands why she is doing this. Sounds like there’s no chance of her being honest about her motives or having got this wrong. What a silly woman,

Orangewhiteandblack · 22/03/2026 19:09

For God sake, you have a great relationship with MIL. They involve you loads. They just want meal just with their son to celebrate him.

Do not make a big deal of this. It is not a big deal.

I would not care at all if in-laws did this.

PippaToryFripp · 22/03/2026 19:10

You sound very full on, and convinced your DHs success has been purely down to you and your support, you also say this promo will change your lives.
Maybe they want to see him alone to check he’s ok and not being pushed into something he might regret - like a relocation?

Andouillette · 22/03/2026 19:14

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And why is that any of your business?

Babaar · 22/03/2026 19:14

Im pushing 70, a mum of AC, a MIL and a grandmother and I'm 1000% in your corner. She's a ridiculously spoilt, selfish silly old woman. That old "a son is a son..." should be re-written to say "until he's grown-up".

She needs to understand that when she's saying she wants this dinner just with her son, she's actually saying "I don't want OneFirmBlueShaker to be there, and that's plain old nasty. For those saying she'd like some mother/son time, yes that's fine but this is very different.

Thank goodness you have a loyal husband who understands that you are his partner, not her. Good on him.

I'd be stepping back from any DIL type activities such as Mother's Day cards etc. She's shown her true feelings now hasn't she.

CreepyCrepePaper · 22/03/2026 19:16

Have you thought about asking this in a forum that's based in the US? I'm guessing a promotion dinner is a thing there. Never known anyone have one here.

pepperminticecream · 22/03/2026 19:17

CreepyCrepePaper · 22/03/2026 19:16

Have you thought about asking this in a forum that's based in the US? I'm guessing a promotion dinner is a thing there. Never known anyone have one here.

Lived there and have family there. It’s not a thing.