AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

I wasn't sure of the relevance of what you do. Why are you claiming his success is partly down to you? That seems odd. Could it be that his parents also think it's weird and don't want you trying to steal his thunder?

It was in our family. It’s possible to ask without passing judgement on the answer. My folks needed/ wanted to know as they were estate planning (son) and were worried I (daughter) might be struggling with something alone that they could offer support for. They couldn’t give a shiny shit how many grandchildren they had, they wanted all their children and any grandchildren to benefit from whatever they could offer at any time.

Not all families are as you know them to be. There are other and different ways to be “correct”.

Is mil an only child?
Is OP’s DH an only child?
Not that those things matter ( but could perhaps explain????)
Frankly I think to even suggest this event without OP is more than a little freaky.

As slight backstory: 1 of my sons was taken to Disneyworld France for his 21st, I had NO say in the matter! Obvs we celebrated together eventually but I’m still cross 15 yrs later 😆.

“I'm not his mom, I'm his partner, and I should be celebrated alongside him, not excluded.”

This is why you’ve been excluded. It’s not a joint accomplishment it’s his but you’re making it all about you. You need to take a breath before you go nuclear.

Whilst I do think it’s a somewhat odd fight to pick, and I think a celebratory dinner is something I’d normally have thought a spouse would be invited to, I don’t think it’s totally outrageous for them not to invite you. Just as it’s understandable that you are a bit hurt. When your husband said he wanted you there, I guess it would make more sense for his mum to have backed down. The fact that she didn’t, and this behaviour seems out of character compared to how she normally acts, suggests to me there may be something behind this.

If you normally have a good relationship, then I think you might have to consider the possibility that there is a reason. Might not be one you consider good enough, of course, but I would bet there is a reason for her to take this stance now, where previously there hasn’t been one.

As an aside, I think you are being very over dramatic. We get it, you are his wife, but I think you need to calm it down a bit- if how you interact with them is reflected to your language here than I think you might have found the source of the conflict- you come across as quite self-centred and display a need to have attention focussed on you/what you’ve done/how your DH’s successes would have been impossible without you (which is doubtful). I’m not saying you have contributed nothing, merely that it he could have managed it without you if he had to- and that what you have done is not particularly extraordinary. I wonder if you are a bit guilty of living vicariously through him and like a bit of the “reflected glory” so to speak? In the same way some parents can be with their children. Perhaps your MIL doesn’t want to celebrate you, or perhaps she thinks you are overplaying your role in your husband’s career and is fed up of pretending otherwise? Your husband has declined the invite, so that’s an end to it really, isn’t it?

I also think that whilst you are clearly a very important part of your husband’s life, you aren’t the only person in his life who cares about him and you aren’t the only person he cares about either. You don’t always have to come first- mostly, yes- but not always. Sometimes your wishes aren’t going to be the top priority. In all honesty, the way you insist his success is actually “team success” and he couldn’t have done it without you, that you need to be celebrated too etc is quite unpleasant to me. It’s grates a bit, and I would bet it isn’t 100% accurate. I’m sure you have helped and been supportive- pretty normal for a spouse…. It doesn’t make his successes down to you, and it doesn’t mean you need celebrated. Given you don’t have children that you’ve taken the majority of caring responsibility for, you haven’t supported him financially to study (or at least you haven’t said so), you haven’t been the trailing spouse with frequent moves…. So what exactly have you done that means he could never have achieved his success without you? I strongly suspect he could have. My DH and I do have children and we’ve both supported each other- but I don’t think I get to claim a stake in my husband’s success, far less demand to be celebrated on an equal footing….. it’s bonkers to me to think of it this way. We have merely been acting as I would expect a loving spouse would and being supportive of each other- it’s made things easier in some ways, sure- but we both could have achieved our goals if we’d been single. I don’t need a medal or celebrated or congratulated for simply being a good spouse.

Overall, I think I’d just move on. Your DH has declined the invite, there is no celebration meal and he’s made his feelings known. By all means, try to clear the air but perhaps better off chalked down to a difference of opinion. If you really feel the need to cool off your relationship then I would just do so quietly without a big fall out or flouncing off, because I don’t think it is something to blow up a previously good relationship. I also doubt your DH wants to be stuck in the middle- and though he might support you/take your side, he will be stuck in the middle.

I agree that MILs position within this makes absolutely no sense. Picking up on a point a pp made about children... if this was a discussion about the possibility of grandchildren, a) the mother of said children kind of has the ultimate say in whether or not there will be any IMO and b) why would MIL choose this exact moment to alienate OP who would be the main facilitator of any access to said grandchildren.
Let's not forget that even FIL has admitted that he doesn't understand his wife's position of this dinner. If I was in OPs husband's shoes, I certainly would not tolerate my wife being excluded, regardless of her contributions (perceived or otherwise) towards furthering my own career.
Such a strange choice of a hill for MIL to die on. The relationship OP has with her PILs will never be the same again I suspect.

Sounds like his parents just want him to have his moment and they’re worried that you’re going to take the light off of him and make it all about you.

But you would think that when OPs husband said that he wants his wife included that they would then back down? Instead MIL doubles down on her position which is completely counter-productive

What do you mean undiluted? Are you suggesting that my husband isn’t fully himself around me his own wife and he dilutes himself ?

When we married the priest told us your partner comes before your family now, and unless something very unreasonable has happened that's where your primary loyalties need to be. FIL is backing MIL at least publicly and DH should back OP, but it's MIL in the wrong. If it's not really around the promotion then she needs to have a lunch with him a couple of weeks later and chat with him about whatever it is.

No you are not more important than his mother. This attitude probably shows.

Yes. I spoke to my mum and dad about whether I wanted children or not throughout my life. It would be really weird for parents to not know what their children want for their futures. I also talked to my parents about my infertility treatment because I wanted their support, and they actually paid for part of it to help me because that's what good parents do, they want to see their children happy and alleviate their suffering if they can.

Why the fuck would I not talk to my parents about if I wanted children or not? How bizarre.

It’s definitely her. I wonder what’s behind it all? We’ll never know, obviously, but it’s such an odd thing to post about obsessively.

I wonder if she actually has in laws? Or a DH?

Yes And the fact you're prickly about it shows.

Yes but you have said that YOU spoke to them....not that they raised the subject out of the blue. Different thing entirely.

YADNBU. I am so utterly fed up of reading about appalling behaviour by MILs/PILs towards DILs on Mumsnet. It's indefensibly rude behaviour and I'm sorry I have not read your thread because I just cannot bear to read all the usual pitiful excuses being reeled off by all the usual suspects. It's inappropriate and belies their true feelings, that you are not good enough for their boy prince. It's terribly narcissistic behaviour and I'm so glad your H has your back. It's awful when people behave hatefully and want you to play let's pretend as if it's not really happening.

I’m on your team !
I wonder if she/they had decided to give him a Dozen Gold Sovereigns as a gift to him & legacy he could sneek away for himself in way of a prize for his success as her very special boy !

Has she gone completely mad?

This is great. You're doing the right thing in discussing it.

If your son said he wanted his wife there though you would find it odd when it’s a celebration for him??? How would you feel and how would you react? I bet you wouldn’t insist she was excluded

@OneFirmBlueShaker it’s disappointing that you weren’t invited and hurtful what your MIL said. I don’t think anyone would enjoy a celebratory dinner now, that ship has sailed. How are you going to move forward with MIL for future events?

Red flags all over your posts OP. My DH is very successful, he runs ideas for work past me or I’ll give fedback. He is considered to be one of the best in his field of work and at times that means traveling for work, or me taking on more of the childcare/household running. However, I have never claimed credit for his career success or acted as if a big promotion was due to our partnership.

A friend of ours had a wife who constantly claimed that her husbands work achievements were because of her help/their partnership. Everyone would roll their eyes at her because we all knew that wasn’t true. They are divorced now and a big part of that was the growing annoyance at how she had to take over his achievements. It’s belittling to the hard work that’s put in.

It may have been the first time the MIL felt she had to put boundaries in place.

It sounds as if the OP has a good relationship with the MIL but clearly has form for being a bit apt to project manage the marriage, make it all about “us as a couple” all the time and generally to be a bit melodramatic.

MIL may have decided that a quiet dinner with her son and husband without the constant surround sound of “us as a couple” was her hill to die on. Not beautifully handled and a bit of a snub butI understand it!

They have asked me several times throughout my life if I thought I wanted to be a mother. I mean, it's REALLY normal to have these conversations in families.

If I in 20 years I asked my daughter of she wanted to have children i would be really shocked if she just whipped round and told me it was none of my business because I wasn't in her marriage. It would actually make me think there was something wrong, like infertility or she wanted children and her husband didn't and she was upset about it. If there was nothing wrong she'd just say no it's not for me and move on with drama like a normal person.