AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

OP I think it’s very clear why they don’t want you there!

I’m just saying that the joke would be on her if she asked my husband to keep money from me bc I know what my husband would do we been together since I was a teenager I know him inside and out and I know he would automatically share it it wouldn’t be a question. So she could try to get DH to hoard money from me but it ain’t happening

Well actually no.

The conversation where you decide whether to have children or not is between you and your husband.

Asking if there might be grandchildren on the horizon is totally appropriate for them to be asking only him on his own. It would be totally inappropriate for them to question you on whether there will be grandchildren. It's far too intimate a question to be asking someone who isn't their child and may make you feel pressured which I'm sure they wouldn't want. They also may wonder if there are infertility issues that you haven't shared if there aren't any children by now and absolutely should not be asking you about that because it would be insensitive. Most women would be horrified if their in laws questioned them about having children.

I was normal in my husband's job....not like Margo Ledbetter style but yes it was expected of the wives of senior married men. I used to enjoy most of them and fortunately onlt worked part time so was not inconvenienced.

" I'm not his mum, I'm his partner, and I should be celebrated ALONGSIDE him, not excluded". I was gung-ho, totally on side with you, until this comment, which really gave me the ick for some reason! I wonder now, if it really is about you receiving the applause for showing his parents "look what I made!"

Oh trust me I am getting my ass handed to me on here are you not reading all the comments? And are you missing that he does get together with his mom 5-6 a year for a casual lunch and his dad once every other week for beers and sports but this is a celebratory dinner for my now husband that’s a whole different animal to how you are trying to frame it as a casual get together and are you also missing that my husband spoke up and said he wants his wife there

Sorry I disagree. If you are not in the marriage and you haven't been told, its none of your business.

Oh OP. The more you post, the more I feel sorry for your MIL and the more supportive I am of her standing her ground. She’s got your number, hence never mentioning it in all these supposed mother-daughter back and forth about movies etc. She knows what you’re doing, doesn’t want anything to do with it, and has stood firm to give her son what she wants to give him for his achievements on her terms - not her DIL’s. Because it sounds very much like you want to set the terms for your DH: if you think his promotion is your achievement (even in part), if you think he can’t celebrate without you, lord only knows what you’re like in other realms. There’s more than a whiff of the Meghan Markle to you!

Have you no friends of your own? Is your own career not so great that you have to muscle into his? I think the young people would accuse you of Main Character Syndrome. Exhausting, at the very least.

Everyone's family dynamics are different but in my own life, I wouldn't mind this sort of thing. Sometimes, it's can be good to quietly step back and let people have some alone time with their original family. I wouldn't see it as being excluded, more giving them some quality time to reconnect in their old family unit for a while. If your DH is unhappy with it, though, that's something else. I would maybe suggest celebrating the event as a couple too, just the two of you. Of course, if you are excluded every Christmas, and left at home peeling a satsuma on your own every year, while he goes off to join them, that wouldn't be acceptable.

And shouting about dancing the macarena 5 times a day and the maniacal HAR HAR HAR really makes you sound like you're still teenagers. Honestly your posts sound manic, it's concerning.

It is bizarre - especially considering they have included you in everything before and you are close to your MIL.

The only explanation I have, given it is so close after Mother’s Day, is this is really about Mother’s Day - that she would prefer to have alone time with him then? Clutching at straws maybe but DH goes by himself to see his parents on Mother’s /Father’s Day.

Glad your husband said no OP, as he does not want to celebrate this without you. Your MIL further comments seem quite immature, no sign of this before?

No sorry that shows they are trying to influence him without me there to change his mind on having kids. You ask both partners that as that effects both partners and quite frankly isn’t none of their business to corner my husband into an awkward position to ask about our family planning decisions

Agree! It’s one thing not to want to be excluded but to want to be equally praised it’s a bit strange.

It's a very normal conversation for parents to have with their children.

Unhelpful and very “odd” perspective here

seriously?

I agree it’s strange to bring this up at a fancy dinner but I disagree that parents can’t ask their children on their own about these issues. It doesn’t mean at all that they want to manipulate them.

I see where you are coming from in that it’s wrong to want to be equally praised. I understand my husband did the work to get the promotion my thing is I just feel like I provided SOME support and while it’s certainly not equal to my husband actually doing the work to get the promotion I should be a part of any and all celebrations as his wife and thinking I was close to my mil and she said she loves me as a daughter as have never excluded me before and the first time she does it during a huge life change for my husband and celebrating his success she decided to do it and then double down on excluding me when my husband spoke up an said to include me really hurt my feelings. But I’m going to call my mil in like an hour or so and clear the air

Oh dear I've now read all posts. You are not more important than his parents.. it's very clear why they don't want you there now. DH seems the type to do whatever for an easy life and try to ignore any tantrums.

Agree to disagree I guess. Family planning is between husband and wife I think it’s inappropriate to ask about it. Bc otherwise why would you have to wait until the other half of the equation isn’t around to ask?

Why would you assume my DH honestly doesn’t want me there we been together many years and since I was a teenager. We have a very strong marriage and a close one but yes when you get married your spouse becomes your immediate family and your wife does become the main woman in your life more important than your mother

Well the post in the other place was took down, so possibly 😬

The more you talk… the more you dig yourself into a hole. Good luck with whatever you are looking for!!!

Oh, God. It’s you again. It’s been a while!