AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

The fact she may not think you are equally responsible for her son’s professional success doesn’t mean she doesn’t see you as good for him and a supportive wife though. But you patently aren’t equally responsible, he did the work. You offered normal wifely support.

I bet she does think you're good for her son and that you're supportive too. It just sounds like there's something about this promotion - something you said? - that has got her hackles up. Your DH's father sounds like he knows what it is but hasn't said?

OP you sound great and your DH is awesome. There’s no way my DH would go without me either. None of it makes any sense. Could it be dementia? It can cause paranoia and strange emotional changes. Memory loss isn’t always a first symptom. My dad had Lewy Body Dementia and at the outset grew increasingly erratic and paranoid. No one knew it was dementia as he didn’t have memory loss or disorientation till much later on. He was under 70 when he got it, so young enough that it’s not the first thing you think of. The fact she cant even articulate to FIL why she feels this way would support this. Obviously I hope it’s not that.

You must have made one heck of a fuss about it if DH is now refusing to even go. You don't need to be attached at the hip especially if you're included in other things.

No she was too busy telling everyone how great their/her achievement was

The more you write, the more the mask is slipping OP.

I can fully see why they want an evening JUST with their son.

It is odd, if it was a birthday or similar I’d understand it more. My MIL always takes my DH out for his birthday for a meal, just the two of them, I’m not invited which makes total sense because it’s a day with big meaning for them both and they enjoy that 1:1 time. It’s the only day they exclude others, even his Dad isn’t invited.
Sadly despite you saying you get on great, I would take this as a warning that they don’t think as much of you as you think they do.
Personally I would encourage your DH to go without you, and you celebrate the promotion with the people you want to.
I’d also be taking a step back and cutting back on the messaging etc because knowing she has hurt your feelings your MIL has dug her heels in and continued, even trotting out that line that people love to say to boy Mums….
This isn’t the actions of someone who regards you with respect and love, this is the actions of someone who only has the time and care for you when she’s getting her own way, even her own husband doesn’t understand her thought process.

jokes on them bc regardless of whether I’m there or not DH being together so long operate fully as a team and I know my husband like the back of his hand it would be as innate as breathing to share the money with me all money is pooled in our household and vice versa if I received money I wouldn’t even bat an eye I would share with my husband. The in laws can ask him to dance the Macarena five times a day it doesn’t mean he has to oblige

What is wrong with all you loonies???

indeed but not what your parents want it to be

You are not ok.

Im not surprised in the slightest they don’t want you there. Giving off possessive vibes

Well clearly not if his mom and I text all the time and they have always treated us equally and his mom loves me and sees me as a daughter she told me before

I'm sure she does. She clearly appreciates and values you.

The two things are not inconsistent. She can both think you're a lovely person and a supportive wife and also be a bit tired of you inserting yourself into the narrative all the time.

But if my hypothetical son had been given a big promotion and his wife/partner was going on at every opportunity about how he couldn't have done it without me/we're a dream team etc it would probably get my hackles up too.

Because ultimately it's his achievement, not yours. Yes you've been a supportive wife, but ultimately he's done this, not you. To be blunt, he could have done it without you, you've just made his path easier. Which is good, but you don't get a medal for supporting your spouse. It's not all about you, or even you as a couple. It's about him.

And the fact that you're banging on about this to everyone on here makes me think you're probably going on about it a fair bit to them, and they're pissed off about it. And possibly you have a tendency to do this in general.

Which is why instead of kicking off at them and demanding you be invited, I would counsel you to have a hard look at whether your behaviour is triggering this.

It's not really shocking, sadly, that on one thread posters would be propping up an OP saying all her sacrifices to help her husband succeed should be recognized yet on another, like here, when OP asserts that herself, she gets slammed and told doing all the housework didn't help her husband get ahead. Jeezus. If one partner does the majority of day to day tasks so the other can work to advance career, then of course that is a sacrifice. In a partnership, successes is shared by both.

OP there are some real crazies on this thread …me me me….the mask is slipping… Think maybe they are all the MILs who hate their DILs. We know there are plenty of those on here.

😂😂😂

Hmm and being that I would be the mother of said child and carrying said child you don’t think that’s a convo I should be a part of? This isn’t a conversation between a son and his parents it’s a private decision between a husband and a wife

I missed the joke?

He is the one who spoke up what you think I held him at gun point to get him to say what he said? Why do you think given our close marriage he wouldn’t want me there to celebrate? Weird take

Unfortunately I'm sure you did!

You sound crazily possessive and very immature.

I think that it's a really strange thing for your MIL to do. It's obvious that your FIL doesn't agree with what his wife is doing. Your MIL gets plenty of opportunities to go out with her son for a meal on their own.

I completely understand why you feel so puzzled and upset about her behaviour as you and your MIL seem to have had a very close relationshiop. Is your DH an only child?

I also agree that MIL has probably just ruined the previously very close relationship between you and her by excluding you from your DH's promotion celebration and then doubling down even after your DH has made it very clear that she is out of order by not inviting you.

Sorry but you don't need a spouse doing all the housework to "get ahead". It's a fairy story which people tell themselves when they've sacrificed their own earning power in favour of their spouse but its not true.

Plenty of women have got to the top of their careers without having a "facilitating spouse": they've done it by working really hard, using childcare, being ruthlessly self-disciplined. If the OP feels that her husband couldn't have been promoted without her she's deluding herself.

There's nothing at all wrong with being a SAHM or focusing on domestic work, but let's not feed this nonsense about it being essential to have a Very Big Job.

👏 and even more to the point. Imagine a mil came on here said how close she was to her DIL and that her son got a promotion and wants her and her husband to take just her son out to celebrate his promotion but not invite his wife then her own son said hey mom I’m not going without my wife I want her there we are a team and she was my biggest supporter throughout my career and she said I still told my son his wife can’t come and that he should just forget he is married for one evening and just focus on being a son and that a son is a son til he takes a wife I don’t think she would exactly get applauded for that.

Let them get on with it, and act accordingly in future.