AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

Your relationship sounds a bit suffocating tbh. Perhaps his parents are worried about his controlling wife.

Yeah this. They want to see him on his own and celebrate his success on their own with him. They don't want it to be about you and the sacrifices you've made etc.

It’s odd in all the texts and convos I have not once has my mil asked me how I would feel about this or be cool with it. We talked about tv shows, movies, daily life etc but not once not once did she think to mention about her son getting a huge promotion to his own wife and how cool it is but hey I’m going to take him out to a nice fancy restaurant not invite you and oh hey his father is invited to but you his wife can’t go I’m not inviting you. She knew exactly what she was doing so this oh so innocent she just wanted to celebrate her son isn’t as innocent and wide eyed as we think it is. She knew exactly what she was doing

Well clearly not if his mom and I text all the time and they have always treated us equally and his mom loves me and sees me as a daughter she told me before

Those are just normal things you do in a marriage, especially as women. It doesn't mean that he couldn't have done it without you or that you are 50% of his success.

I am also not saying that your MIL has done the exact things you have but you make it sound like you are the only person in the world who wants good things for him when clearly he has a supportive and close relationship with his parents too. They don't feel like your hyping up, cheering on, going with him to events etc. means that you need to be celebrated too and I agree with them.

I wonder why you actually posted to be honest, as your position is completely entrenched.

Initially I thought that you were right to feel aggrieved, but the longer this thread goes on the more unreasonable you sound. You seem desperate to claim this success as a joint one, and not just that you have provided the support expected from one’s spouse.

I should imagine that any celebratory meal is now ruined anyway, your husband seems not to want to go without you (if that’s actually how he feels), and why would you want to now attend knowing it’s only because you’ve caused a fuss about it.

Then say it’s about inheritance don’t say it’s a job promo celebration

Why would you need to be privvy to every conversation between parents and their adult son?

I adore my DIL, really adore her, sometimes we go away for weekends just me and her, we go out to lunch etc, and I love it when it's just me and her sometimes. Equally I love it when its just my son and I sometimes, and we chat about whatever without her there too.

My son doesn't need to be there for every moment I spend with DIL, and DIL doesn't need to be there for every moment I spend with my son.

Complete madness. Just let him have a meal with his folks. Organise something for yourself at the same time.

It's fine to think it odd, even be a bit put out by it, but don't make beef with family, it's not worth it.

There will be a time in the future when they aren't here anymore and this will all seem so trivial.

Read The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and you will discover many ways to (better) deal with life's frustrations.

That's exactly what people pointed out on Reddit when she posted there. She has toned down the me me me a bit here too

Christ you sound so possessive of his success! Why the fuck should you be "celebrated alongside him"!? 🤢 It's not your bloody promotion!!!!

You don't even have kids! If you did, so you had to give up working to look after them so he could work more hours or something I'd see your point but doing more housework doesn't mean his promotion is half yours! If my husband gets the promotion he's going for next Monday I will celebrate HIM and HIS HARD WORK and we actually have kids that we have to juggle between both of our careers. I would be mortified if people thought I wanted half his celebration/praise!!! No wonder they don't want you there you're hogging his limelight!!!

OP, respectively I lost any sense of being ‘on your side’ the more you continue to emphasise ‘he only got the promotion because of our team work’. I have no doubt you have been a great support, but that ends as soon as he walks out the door. His success at work is HIS success, based on his work ethics etc.

I find his mothers reaction odd, and I to would be wondering why I wasn’t included but give it a rest now. His mum wants some time alone with his son for whatever reason, she’s stated your relationship hasn’t changed. Let it lay.

It’s strange though bc they always gave me the vibe they think I’m great for DH and my mil said she sees me like a daughter and she texts me a lot. Thanks not exactly the makings of a mil who doesn’t think her sons wife is a good and supportive one

@OneFirmBlueShaker

She knew exactly what she was doing so this oh so innocent she just wanted to celebrate her son isn’t as innocent and wide eyed as we think it is. She knew exactly what she was doing

OK: I understand this and I understand why you're shocked and upset by this, I probably would be too in your shoes. But possibly she didn't feel you were reading the room on this and felt a bit stifled by the degree to which you were inserting yourself into the situation.

I dare say you haven't been aware that you're doing this and it's come from a good place but it does feel very much like you are trying to shoehorn yourself into the family, into the narrative, taking credit for his promotion etc. It feels like this to a lot of us.

She obviously likes you and knows you make her son happy but she probably bristles a bit at the way you do this and wants a bit of precious time with her son as his mother, one-to-one, without having to be with you as a couple all the time.

I would treat this as a bit of a wake-up call to gently back off a bit. No need for any drama and recriminations or estrangement. Just try to ask yourself if you can give them all a bit more space.

Seems a bit unnecessarily harsh and hasty of a response.
R u ok @OneFirmBlueShaker ?

I thought this was going to be some big dinner with other people but it’s basically his parents want to take him out for dinner. I really don’t see a big difference in taking your son out to dinner on a random Saturday versus doing it as a nice treat because he has good news. It’s still just a dinner with his parents. You make it sound like the official dinner to celebrate his promotion.

You seem annoyed they’re just giving him credit for this promotion. Obviously you support him but I do agree with others that it’s hard to see that as sacrificing a lot. How often are work functions, for example?

You are free to take him out and celebrate yourself.

If they include in most things I really wouldn’t care much about this.

Op you really seem to think he got the promotion because of you. Do you have any self awareness to see thats how you are coming across?

Im not sure what going to work functions has to do with helping him get promoted.

And your husband is appreciative of all that?

So what has he done to thank you - other than suggesting you come to a meal that his parents have organised that they want to have with him alone?

Considering you make a point about how your DH's parents are not the ones that have been supporting him, why is this considered the celebratory dinner as opposed to just "dinner" that happens to be celebrating his promotion at the same time What have you or your DH organised to celebrate (that presumably does include both of you)?

Any chance she’s said what the oh so important job is on Reddit?

They can think you and your DH are well suited in other areas but that doesn't mean they are OK with you taking the credit for his promotion. I don't think your MIL has been fake friendly to you, i think on this particular issue you don't see eye to eye and she feels the need to make sure her son gets the attention he deserves.

Considering that he is nearly 40, this is even more shocking.
That she has so rudely disregarded her own sons wishes is very strange.
It's hard to believe this is the first whiff of such behaviour after all these years.
Could she be unwell?

She doesn't have to apparently. And something about mental support. Or something...

Mil has a blind date for your DH lined up