AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

My husband and I both got "significant" promotions in our 40s, and I can't think of a single thing we did other than being ordinarily supportive, that would warrant me being celebrated for my husband's promotion or vice versa.

OP, I'd suggest questioning why you are so hung up on this point? Do you feel you were asked to sacrifice too much and are resentful for it? If so, perhaps that is the point to focus on, and not who gets invited to dinner?

Where is the vomit emoji?

Has op said yet what job this is and what the sacrifices are?

It can be whatever you want it to be.

I don't know if Graham Norton is AI generated but he uses that phrase a lot 😉

Obviously, I don't know if he posts on Mumsnet 🤣

One would have to be astonishingly dull-witted to not realise that this is a monumental social faux pas on the part of the MIL, and a horrible snub to the OP, yet people are leaping to the MIL's defence. I don't get it. Bizarre.

He does have lunch alone with his mom about 5-6 times a year.

It shouldn’t be “stuck in the middle” once you’re married your wife does come ahead of your mother. To put it bluntly yes your wife should be the main woman in your life. If you don’t choose your wife what is the point of your vows. You live with your wife, you made vows to your wife, your wife is your immediate family. Just like I’m sure my husband expects to be more important than my father and my mil would expect her husband to put her first.

OP I suspect this attitude is at the heart of this. The way you talk about this suggests you see this as a competition for his loyalty and attention, as if there's an inherent requirement for him to transfer his loyalty from his mum to his wife on marriage (which is a pretty old-fashioned perspective). They probably sense that you feel this sense of "ownership" of him and feel a bit shut out.

A healthy marriage IMHO isn't a "transfer of ownership" from parents to spouse, its an ecosystem where people have overlapping relationships with various people who are important in their lives. The parents should welcome the spouse and make them part of the family of course, but I don't think its unreasonable for them to expect to maintain a relationship with their son independently of you and to sometimes want to spend time with him on their own. Maybe you make them feel shut out of their relationship with him and they're trying to claw back a little bit of space?

I also think the idea that he couldn't have got his promotion without you is misogynistic bollocks, to be honest. I've been promoted to the top of my company as a single parent without a spouse or childcare, and I find the "couldn't have done it without me" message regressive and you're also unnecessarily centring yourself in something which frankly has little to do with you. Sorry if that's harsh but the way you're talking about it comes across as very me, me me.

If I were them I wouldn't have excluded you from this dinner: it feels rude and pointed. But I think you have to ask yourself if you've overdone the "he couldn't have done it without me" narrative. Try taking a bit of a step back from the idea that you're the driving force in your marriage, let him run his relationship with his parents as he wants to and give them all a bit of space to breathe.

I think her not inviting you is inappropriate and I would be hurt too. Personally I wouldn’t speak to her about it. In a way it is nothing to do with you: They invited your husband to an event and it is up to him to accept or decline. It would be controlling for you to try to make his answer for him. You are not invited so stay out of it (but I love your husband’s response, he sounds like a keeper).
However it would affect my relationship with her going forwards. If there were activities that would benefit her not me that I could choose to do or not, I wouldn’t put myself out. I wouldn’t feel like going shopping with her either or similar social activities. Not to be deliberately pointed, I just wouldn’t want to. I’d probably keep that withdrawal approach up until I felt differently - time passing, an apology, an explanation I was happy with…whatever.

Exactly!

I'd put money on that last sentence being the reason they want a celebration without you. They want to celebrate their sons success but you are taking credit for his success where it probably isn't due. Other than some extra housework, you've yet to say what sacrifice you have made.

How often do you see people on your own without him?

I forgot to add to my previous post. Tbh, even if she did extend the invite now I’d turn it down and he can go alone if he wants. For me it would be spoiled and I wouldn’t enjoy it.

But what are those sacrifices you have made? I am sure his parents have also been standing by him and supporting him. Everyone who loves will have been doing that. Can you seriously not see how problematic it is that you are making his success all about you? Unlike you, it doesn't sound like his mother is trying to take credit for his success, she just wants to spend an evening making it all about him whereas you want an evening making it about you.

They think it’s shockingly rude and they said if the roles were reversed and I was the one who got a huge promotion it wouldn’t even be a second thought that my husband would be invited out to celebrate and both our meals would be covered by them as they said they would recognize that my husband most likely gave me the support I needed to get to where I was bc we are married and a team.

Yes. This place bamboozles me sometimes

We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us).

I'm sure he thought it was a great idea for you to work full time but do all the housework too to allow him focus on his Very Important Job. Hopefully you won't regret giving up your career for his if you divorce.

You and your MIL are not close if she wants to exclude you for a celebratory dinner.

Extra household responsibilities, emotional
mental support, cheering him on and hyping him up, sacrificing weekends with him, attending work things with him when I was already exhausted after working 50 plus hours in one week, etc… You really think his mom has been supporting her nearly 40 year old son who she doesn’t live with and share a home and life with him in the same way his wife has? Really??

I think I would be pissed off of this was part of a pattern and a theme of leaving you out. As it isn’t and you’re close to your MIL then actually I think it’s ok. She wants to take her son out and for some reason this feels important to her.

I don’t think I’d be bothered if my MIL did this and my husband definitely wouldn’t if it was my parents. He was very supportive during my studies but doesn’t expect recognition for this beyond me thanking him.

It is just a meal though.

They will likely say congratulations and then just spend time with their son talking about other stuff.

It isn't a massive party where everyone is invited apart from op.

One would have to be astonishingly dull-witted to not realise that this is a monumental social faux pas on the part of the MIL, and a horrible snub to the OP, yet people are leaping to the MIL's defence. I don't get it. Bizarre.

It is a snub, I agree. It's quite pointed and rude.

But I think the parents are reacting like this because they've had a bellyful of the OP centring herself in her husband's success and inserting herself into the story all the time, whether wittingly or otherwise. I think they've done it to make a point and I think the OP needs to take a step back and listen.

But again I’m close with my mil what would she talk about that I can’t be privy too??

Why the hell are you attending work things with him? That’s really not normal in most occupations.

Your relationship sounds a bit suffocating tbh. Perhaps his parents are worried about his controlling wife.