AIBU to feel hurt that my in-laws want to exclude me from the celebratory promotion dinner for my husband?

[OneFirmBlueShaker]

Hi all, looking for some perspective on a situation with my husband's parents. My husband and I dated for 9 years before getting married 6 years ago - we've been together since I was 19 and he was 23, no kids. He just got a huge promotion and I'm so proud - I've been his number one support system, standing by him since we were both struggling and starting out in our careers. We had a clear agreement that I'd take on more household duties so he could focus on his career (I was working full-time too, but we decided together this was the best approach for us). I sacrificed a lot to help him get there, including date nights and time together.

His parents want to take him out for dinner to celebrate... and I'm not invited. I feel hurt and excluded, like they're overlooking my part in his success. When he said he wouldn't go without me, his mum said "A son is a son til he takes a wife" and "God forbid a son is just a son for one evening and goes to a celebratory dinner without his wife with his parents for one evening". Basically implying we're being unreasonable. My husband stood up for me, saying "Mom, Dad, it's not about me going to dinner without Kate - it's about celebrating my promotion with my partner. We're a team, and her support is what helped me get here. Excluding her feels like you're not acknowledging that."

Here's the thing - they've always included me in everything, treats us like a married unit, equal birthday gifts, Christmas, etc. I thought they saw me as a daughter. I'm hurt because it feels like they're suddenly excluding me now, when it matters most. This promotion affects our daily life as a couple, besides just my husband. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed and we'd said "FIL, we'll take you out for his birthday, but MIL, you can't come" .

What stings even more is that MIL and I are usually super close - I probably text her more than my husband does 😅. Given our relationship, you'd think she'd reach out to clear the air, especially after my husband told them how hurt I was. Feels like they're doubling down on being hurtful rather than caring about my feelings. Am I being unreasonable to expect to be included in this celebration?

YANBU it’s ridiculous not to invite you. I can’t imagine a reasonable scenario where it would be acceptable. You are his wife fgs.

I’m torn on this.

It does seem odd and a bit rude to exclude you from a family celebration like this and I would be a bit hurt.

On the other hand there’s something about the way you talk about your role in the family and the “sacrifices” you have made etc which makes it sound like you have a tendency to centre yourself in family events and think you need to come as a package all the time and I can see how this could rub his parents up the wrong way. Not everyone wants their child to be joined at the hip with their OH all the time. Apologies if I have read this wrong but it feels ever so slightly pushy.

I do think its important that parents maintain relationships with their children outside of their relationship with their spouse. Maybe they feel they don’t get much of this.

I would let this go, ask yourself honestly if you do sometimes stifle him a bit by being too much “us” and not letting him be enough “him”, and if you think you don’t, just chalk it up to a one off. But just possibly they might want a bit more space and time with him on his own.

Your DH will be trying to keep the peace. I’m sure mil does text and like you but perhaps that was what she needed to do to get along with you all? I like the people my siblings are married to but honestly if they divorced I doubt we’d see each other that often - we are friends because they’re married not for our own selves. Perhaps mil feels a little like this and that’s ok - normal surely

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be grasping the credit for your dh's promotion but I find it a bit weird that your Pils only want to take your dh out for a dinner without you to celebrate.

I don’t think you’ve said exactly why he couldn’t have done it without you? What did you do? Have you sacrificed promotion yourself to facilitate his career, moved away from your family, been a trailing spouse, kept him financially so he could study for more qualifications? As I said, I wouldn’t have excluded you probably, but it looks like both you and he are making a big deal out of your part in it and that could rankle if all you’ve done is accept you didn’t go out as much due to him working hard for both of your futures.

They probably think that's worrying too. You two are so co-dependent and have convinced each other that neither can function without the other and that everything you do is joint. He is the only one they have brought up, he is the one they want to give their attention to on this particular occasion and the reason it most likely because you try and steal his thunder and claim his success as yours. You can still celebrate each other seperately.

I would just let them have this if they want it. No big deal to me. I'm always invited with my husband but I leave space for his parents to see just him.

I wouldn't want to go anywhere I wasn't wanted and I'd be embarrassed to kick up such a fuss.

My child is young so I can't relate but my parents are divorced and I hated only being able to see them with their partners. Nothing against them but it changes the dynamics.

Well that would be an interesting take considering me and his mom text all the time having our own independent relationship and we get together and have a lovely relationship. Doesn’t seem like the relationship of someone who feels that way about their DIL, does it? And again did you miss the part where their own son used his big boy words to say he doesn’t want his wife excluded bc I was an integral part of his success or do you assume I held him at gun point why he said the pose words? Or do you typically blame woman for the words men use? Take your pick. And better yet I find his mom purposely not listening to his son’s word causing the divide in her son’s marriage all on her own. She is the one making her son pick her own son said he wants his WIFE included and she can’t respect his wishes. I thought the celebration was for him so shouldn’t he get say over who attends his own celebration??

Because the terms of the invitation has obviously come as an unwelcome surprise to the bloke invited and to his wife.....now either they (inviters) do have a particular reason for going off piste in this way and might have got what they wanted if they had approached it differently OR they hadn't realised that it would be seen as hurtful and the MIL's doubling down with the "son's a son until..." comment has really wrecked things.
Between my late husband and myself, we had the same life partners approach. We shared our successes and our failures and some of the things he did to further his career, he could not have done without my wholehearted agreement and support.....well he could if he had been single with a paid PA...... It was the same with my career but to a much lesser degree (no need for the paid PA!) because that was what worked for us. I dropped in and out of my career to travel abroad with him and when he had to deal with emergencies (the kind that make the news) and was in work 24/7, I was the one who picked up the slack. His reaction to a similar invitation would have been the same but his lovely Mum would never have done it.

But they are allowed to say they’d like to take their son out to dinner on his own.
Obviously they can’t force him! But I think it’s normal to have a few differences of outlook on occasion. It’s not the end of the world. Nor should it be the end of your relationship with his parents.

I used take my parents out for special occasions without DH. He used to meet his parents for dinner without me. It hasn’t appeared to have detracted from our relationships. i like to talk to my parent without DH sometimes.

@OneFirmBlueShaker YANBU at all and I'm quite shocked at the amount of posters saying opposite .

Does your DH have siblings?

thie really is seriously strange OP MN usual comment again but are you sure she's not unwell? Would your husband be able to ask your Fil?

but isn't a promotion a joint celebration?

So much drama, "his WIFE"

He's nearly 40, and let's be real, his career promotion is a result of our partnership and hard work, not his mom's support. We're not talking about a high school or college graduation, where parental support is expected - we're talking about a job promotion, something he's earned after years of dedication and sacrifice. We've been together since I was a teenager, and he's been out of his mom's home for nearly 20 years now. At this point, his professional achievements are a reflection of our life together, and I'm the one who's been standing by him, supporting him, and making sacrifices for our future. I'm not his mom, I'm his partner, and I should be celebrated alongside him, not excluded.

So ask her. It's weird that you are so close and yet you are asking us, not her.

But it’s not just “a meal” it’s a celebration that OP helped him to get …….. yet she’s not part of it.

OP YANBU.

I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time @OneFirmBlueShaker !

it is really weird, especially since you are close.

it seems odd though as they don’t seem to have done this before. If this had been standard from the beginning of their marriage eg parents always take the dh out on his own to celebrate his birthday or every year for Xmas then it would be fine imo. It seems unusual to start this now and I can understand why the OP would be upset.

So they think their own son is nearly 40 can be easily influenced that says more about how they view their own son as weak? Thats sad

How belittling to
the OP.

It’s a ton more than that, as is clear from OPs posts.

He’s nearly 40 yet you his wife have more than once referred to him using his big boy words ? Why?

He's nearly 40, and let's be real, his career promotion is a result of our partnership and hard work, not his mom's support. We're not talking about a high school or college graduation, where parental support is expected - we're talking about a job promotion, something he's earned after years of dedication and sacrifice. We've been together since I was a teenager, and he's been out of his mom's home for nearly 20 years now. At this point, his professional achievements are a reflection of our life together, and I'm the one who's been standing by him, supporting him, and making sacrifices for our future. I'm not his mom, I'm his partner, and I should be celebrated alongside him, not excluded.