Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

I'm a professional and have only just paid my mortgage off (on a tiny property) at 60. It isn't unusual @100157ab. If your parents wanted to help you they would.

@100157ab They've only just retired! Allow them to enjoy their free time their own way. The majority of homeowners need to pay off their mortgage over 'years and years'.You have your own home and decent jobs - not exactly hard done by. I was in your situation and never begrudged my parents enjoying their retirement. They spent a huge amount of money travelling. I'm glad they had a good, old time and grateful they lived a long and happy life. I feel lucky to eventually inherit what I did.

Namechanged for this. I am just about the same age as your parents. Have you asked them what their reasoning is behind the move? I am sure they have reasons that make sense to them.

I am a couple of years younger than your parents but I completely get what you are saying. After a redundancy, we struggled to pay the mortgage and all the expenses of 2 children for about 10 years. I won't say it was tough. But there wasn't much fun money. Lots of mental energy not overspending, finding the best deals , juggling contingency funds. I know many people have it far, far worse but I found it quite stressful.

Now my parents have died (in their 90s) and we are about to inherit all this money. A ridiculous sum for us and a ridiculous sum for the government too. I suppose I ought to be happy and grateful. But I keep thinking what's the point of this now? Our youngest child will leave home soon. The mortgage is nearly paid off. We have our pensions coming in a year or two. So I guess we'll have a few nice holidays but I feel that's slightly frivolous, self- indulgent spending compared to the essential spending of buying your house and raising your children.

So I agree with you there is clearly a mismatch between when people need money and when money is available. I'll certainly be helping my children when they need it and I wish my parents had too.

Are they hoping for a bit of multi generational living?

But isn’t this quite strange logic? That you want to spend a lot on having a place where your kids and grandkids can visit but you think it’s inappropriate to contribute the the places those kids and grandkids actually live? Not saying you shouldn’t want whatever house but the implied reasoning strikes me as odd.

Well for a start it looks like OP is going to come into a substantial inheritance one day. So yes, I think the future landscape for her personally is probably looking similar to her parents situation.

I feel your frustration, how much more helpful that could have been 10 years ago. But what stops you from seeing the inheritance now as an opportunity to set your kids up well for the start of their adult life? Or even if you don’t want to pass it on immediately, knowing that you’ll be able to when they’re at the stage of setting up home and having their own children? Or maybe you’re thinking this but there’s still the annoyance that I’m that case somehow that good fortune skipped over you.

Are you actually struggling, or you just have a mortgage with many years left?

It is totally normal to spend most of your working life paying off a mortgage. Yabu to expect your parents to pay it off for you.

I think its stupid to upsize in your 60s. Your house will end up sold off to pay for your care home and then nothings left anyway. Better to help your kids when you can before the government takes it all from you.

Extremely grabby and entitled. Especially as they’ve already given you money and you still want more. You need to take responsibility for your own finances. Grow up and learn to stand on your own feet instead of eyeing up their money and lifestyle.

You only live once. Good for them they will have the financial freedom to do what they want with no regrets while they walk this earth. Lucky you, you will inherite 1 day. I won't get a penny, like many others. You are already in a very fortunate position.

Well that's boomers for you

It's all me, me, me

Inheritence is really a new thing - amongst most of us

My parents born in the 20's and 30's didnt have an inheritance - both being working class. My DH did, his parents were middle class, but we are talking small amounts

Mum has just died and whilst I do have an "inheritance", its not a lot, will just about pay for us to have the holiday of a lifetime and bolster our pensions so we won't be relying on PC moving forward

Our plan , ( couple early 60's ) was to downsize from the house that we bought, large enough to house mum and her husband through their last years, to a smaller house, releasing capital to give us a comfortable retirement

Only smaller houses that are ideal for us getting older , are costing as much as we can sell this house for - us being very rural and now needing to move closer to services

So our kids are going to see very little in the way of an inheritance - a property sold at our demise and shared between all of them

Do we feel that we should be leaving an inheritence, no we dont

We have worked all our lives, we have had very hard times ,

None more so then the past 20 years as carers for our parents and doing our best for our kids and grandkids

Our kids and grandkids are possibly poorer then we were as in not home owners , but they have had much more then we ever have had , holidays abroad from childhood, every mod con known to man kind, experiences that we could only have dreamt off.

Not a woe is me, but I was 35 before I needed a passport, I was 48 before I went to a live gig , didnt learn to drive until I was 43, because we never had the spare money for these things , where as my first born grandsons first trip abroad was to Disney world

Never ever look at your parents supposed wealth counting it as yours , it's not. Make your own way in life

OP please don't look at it as "upsizing" they are probably just looking at their finances and realising they can afford the dream house to spend their retirement and twilight years in, also its not fancy cars and holidays, its an appreciating asset that you may one day inherit and may give YOU the same options in your 60s. Would you feel the same way if they spent 10s of thousands a year on travelling instead?

And if you inherit off your parents will you truly put your money where your mouth is and change the will to skip you and go straight to your kids? Or do you think you may use most of it to make your retirement easier?

I say this as someone in their early 40s weighed under a £300k mortgage, even though I'm a (modestly paid) professional I'm never going to be able to retire at 60 like my factory fitter dad did, with his final salary pension.

Please try to bottle these feelings down, especially since they GAVE you a £30k deposit, thats a hell of a lot more than most have access to. My FIL lent us £5k for our first mortgage in 2013 to help us get to 10% ltv bracket (we'd saved £15k) and we paid it back within a year at the same interest rate he was getting on his ISA. 😅

How is your living situation though? Are you really struggling or are you just comparing yourself to your wealthier immediate family, a £60k deposit gives most people reasonable options. I can somewhat understand if you're struggling to make ends meet whilst the rest of your family are very comfortable, but if you have a modest but standard set up of a semi detatched with enough bedrooms for the kids your parents probably don't think you need a leg up.

Good fortune has definitely not passed me by. I will be happy to help my children when the time comes.

As parents it wouldn't have ever really occurred to them to put me first or to fight my corner for me, so probably my ambivalence about the money is tied up in that too. I would have preferred to be given a much smaller amount, in person by them during their lifetime. I probably wanted that validation.

OP, your DPs are not selfish and are not “hoarding” money - they’ve reached a point when they feel they would like to live somewhere nicer (not bigger) and are in a position to be able to do so. It’s very easy to give away someone else’s money, but your DPs might justifiably feel that, having given you a deposit for your house, they have done enough. To all those talking about greedy boomers etc, can I point out it very much depends where you live? My detached four bedroomed house is worth considerably less than my DD’s two bedroomed flat in London.

Paying for your own care is hardly the government "taking it all off you". Who should pay for your care if not you?

I knew many of the responses to this would be it's their money and they can do want they want with it. This is true.

Can't deny though that many older people do downsize at this stage freeing up money that some gift. I can therefore see OPs point. I also don't read entitlement from the opening post. I get musings of disappointment. People are allowed to feel disappointed.

I have generous in laws that have helped us, my BIL & his wife. We are grateful. Yup they didn't need to and we earn well enough that we wouldn't have struggled but they chose to because they could. In this scenario too it's my PILs money and they did with it what they wanted to. They just have a different mind set to OPs parents.

"when your kids are not even close to being comfortable financially…"

"Your 'kids' "??? You are a fully grown adult and have been for many years! How long should your parents to have to factor in contributing to you financially? They've raised you, helped you to secure a home of your own and you're still holding your hand out?? 🙄

Also it’s really just herself the OP is talking about. Her sister has married wealth so is presumably doing fine.

Sorry so you had help from your parents with a house deposit, and now you want more! Do you know how lucky you are to have been given money towards a house deposit.

I’ve read the full thread and still can’t work out if the upsize is to a larger house/garden or simply a more expensive one? I can’t imagine at that age wanting to go to a larger house and land, my mum is mid 60s and very glad she downsized a couple of years ago (though she still has several acres of property to manage, but a smaller more modern house). I can see if they simply purchased a more expensive property as maybe it’s in the area they wanted or has the design they liked.

YABVU. DH’s parents upsized greatly when they retired, 5 beds, study, 2 lounges, 2 dining, 4 bathrooms (not all full size), media room etc. We thought it was really bizarre as who the hell would want to clean that. Also it involved stairs, which they previously did not have and they were getting older not younger. We didn’t give a second thought to money though or felt they should have stayed where they were and given us money instead!!!! It was their money to do what they wanted with.

Of course, cleaning it turned into a full time occupation and at a point they couldn’t manage the stairs and had to confine themselves to the bottom level. Then falls and hospitalisation started and they had to sell up to go to assisted living in the equivalent of a small one bed flat in size. While we thought the whole thing was incredibly stupid, it was their money, their choice, their decision and their consequences, and they had capacity while making those decisions so was not up to us to question.

You're bratty and entitled. You're an adult. It's not your parents job to provide for you as an adult.

it depends,
why do they want the space?
do they want rooms for hobbies?
rooms for the family to stay?