Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

How much money do you and your dh make?

Since you both have good professional jobs I’m surprised you’re struggling so much.

is there something specific you need money for?

I find it bewildering that your parents were happily splashing on 5 star hotels when you and your kids were struggling. It's pretty sad, really.

@100157ab do you or your sibling leave nearby or do you have to stay when you visit them. You mentioned your sibling lived abroad? I think as some people get older they can’t face the idea of visitors in a small house in the same way that they managed when they had their children. Maybe the feel like they need extra bathrooms and bedrooms for fAmity visiting as they can no longer cope with visitors in a small space?
I sometimes think we will upsize when we retire. Our house has quite small bedrooms and if DS has children there won’t be that much space when they visit. Some people can cope fine with that but DH isn’t one of them!

For what it’s worth I provide not only for myself (amply) and my kids but also for my mother who lives in a country where it’s needed, but I agree with OP.

i would not want to see my children struggle when I have plenty of money to help them.

Greedy.

so they gave you a deposit and now you want them to pay a chunk off your mortgage as well?

You do sound grabby whether you want to admit it or not. They've already given you a 30k towards your deposit. So you have a mortgage to pay, just like most people and all the associated costs with raising a family.
Living within your means and budgeting is what most of us do. If you had maybe shared how you are struggling then perhaps posters would be more sympathetic to your situation however your parents don't owe you their money.

I sympathise that you feel you are struggling but your parents are still relatively young, they are only in their 60s, and could live another 20-30 years so why shouldn't they spend their money as they choose? Should they give it all to you and live the rest of their days as a compromise to make your life easier?
Full disclosure that DH and I are also in our 60s and have helped all our DCs with home deposits. We will always help them where we can but I would be very disappointed if I felt any of my children was questioning what I chose to do with my own money.
It sounds to me as though you resent the fact that your parents and sibling are finding life financially easier than you are. You should let them enjoy life

Not in UK but I'm obsessed with Escape to the Country and I'm always yelling "Don't do it!" at the tv when I see a couple in their 60s looking for an isolated property in a village with no services, with garages, big garden, 5 bedrooms so people can come and stay, with quaint features like rickety stairs and unreliable fixtures.
Having recently had to help 2 80yo relatives clear out and downsize from their 4 bedroom house that they bought in their 60s, I sympathise op. They left it 10 years too late to make good decisions and others had to decide for them.
Me and partner are both 58 and our next move will be to a 2 bedroom place.
I don't want to put my kids through having to shoehorn me out of a home i can no longer cope with, and I want to help them out financially.

This

OP, you say you are struggling. Can you define this?
You are making comparisons between your parent’s wealth now and yours now.
It is quite probable that your parents are also making comparisons. Their comparisons will be between your wealth now and theirs when they were your age. I would guess they probably had to struggle when they were young too and see this as perfectly normal.
Your comparison of professional and non professional jobs is just a red herring. In their time people didn’t benefit from so much education and more people were expected to go into non professional jobs.
Personally speaking, we saved up for our children. We paid all the expenses for them to go through university, we paid for their weddings and gave them some help towards house deposits. I think now we can treat ourselves. Like your parents, this is the first time in our lives that we are putting ourselves before our children. Your parents seem to want a nice house. They won’t get another chance to buy one that is exactly what they want.

You’re entitled. You’ve ready received help with a house deposit and now you want more? I won’t be living in a shoebox to allow my children to live in a bigger house and if we choose to upsize it’s none of our children’s business. We don’t expect them to look after us when we get older and don't expect them to look at us as pound signs either. What’s left after care fees is theirs but until then we’ll be enjoying our holidays and living our lives as we see fit.

They’ll all have had driving lessons, cars bought, insurance on those cars paid, rent paid while they’re at Uni and living expenses as well as house deposits, frankly that’s more than enough imo. We set them up to be independent so why hold their hands out as adults for more cash? Stop looking t your parents as cash cows. MN is mad at times.

This is Mumsnet so of course no one here would even dream to have a penny of their parents’ money and would wildly applause them giving it all away to charity or building a golden sanctuary for chickens.

Personally I am with you, OP. Upsizing at that time of life feels a bit mad. I am already wondering about every which way I might be able to support my child financially with student loans, deposits etc (he is currently not even 4 years old yet!). I can’t imagine throwing 100k to upsize at 60 when I could be giving some of that to my child.

Your parents are also of a generation that saw huge financial advantages that we will never see.

You're being unreasonable - but in a perfectly understandable way.

YABU as you have had 30k as a deposit as has your sibling.

We are going to move, I will be about 61, DH wants a workshop and because we don’t have to be close to work anymore we can relocate. We don’t especially want a much bigger house it’s more the grounds we want an acre instead of a regular garden with workshop and space to keep our Motorhome.

We also want a downstairs bathroom or space to make one, we will probably end up with a slightly bigger house. Plus if you do live for many years towards the end you can be home for most of your hours.

So I would never say bad things to or about you.

I think I might be a bit more sympathetic if you were concerned for your parent’s safety im this larger home - like falling down unfamiliar stairs or tripping over unfamiliar steps.

And I broke my arm in my small apartment several months ago in a fall - and if it hadn’t been for Siri I would’ve been up shit creek.

But your concern is ”But what about meee???”

And you remind me of me hahaha - an indulged child who feels she’s being overlooked. I know that feeling well now that I’ve grown out of it.
My parents were the best.

I have an idea.If you need some help, maybe just talk to Mum and Dad. They aren’t mind readers. And if they can’t give or loan you money, maybe they could co-sign on a loan or something.
Talk to them. They don’t bite.
And chin up.

Swnding love from faraway ❤️

Op I lost my parent who was age 60. Said parent was selfless and just gave, gave and gave until they ended up in the ground.

Life has to be a balance. We give some and retain some.

I can only dream of seeing said parent enjoy their retirement the way your parents are.

Always the same on these threads, the OP claiming they would give their money to their children, easy to say when you don’t have it, come back when you are sixty and see if you want to hand over a massive sum of money that’s taken a lifetime to generate to your kids then.

Parents give when you are a kid too.

OP is entitled and BVU

I think while on one hand YABU, I also understand why you are annoyed. If space and money occupies a lot of your headspace then you are going to focus on these when others have them. My DF has a 5 bed home with 3 reception rooms, half of which is unused and full of junk. Dhs parents literally have a spare dining room and sitting room closed off. When I lived in a dark terraced house with 3 kids I often became angry at the injustice, I would come home feeling depressed from a visit. I became critical of how they used their homes. Since my financial situation improved a lot and I moved into a lovely home I never again thought this way. In fact I'm ashamed now that I even had those thoughts. We obsess about what we don't have.

That’s truly lovely, Seal.
I hope all your dreams are sweet. ❤️

YABU your parents owe you nothing. Let them live how they want.
I bet they sacrificed a lot more when you were a child.

Absolutely they do.

Yes YAB(totally)U

Get a better job & and look after your own children....to begrudge your parent's this in their retirement with their savings, that they've worked for is shameful.

I can sympathise with the OP. Depending on just how much spare cash parents have I do agree that in some cases it might be reasonable to expect them to help out. At the same time there some really depressing attitudes to older people in this thread.

You know people in their sixties are actually real people, the main characters in their own lives, real three-dimensional people who are only maybe three-quarters of the way through their lives? They are allowed to still have hopes and dreams and ambitions for themselves as well as for their kids (and in this case they clearly do have dreams for their kids as they've already provided the OP £30k for a deposit). They're not just background extras in the lives of younger generations, to be picked over for resources then left to sit in the cheapest housing that can be found until they die.

The only way some of these comments make sense is if the people writing them don't yet really believe just how fast that age comes round, and that people who are 60+ are people just like them.