Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

If your parents spent their money on travel, would you think that they should go away less frequently and give some of their travel money so you could take your kids to Disneyland?

But they are using it for a house, and you feel that because they have £100,000 that they can afford to spend on a new house they should instead give it to you? By the way, how do you know how much they got for the house they sold, and how much they are paying for their new one?

If you are struggling to pay your mortgage, it sounds like you bought a house you couldn’t afford.

My mum is 76 in a 4 bedroom house with 3 floors. The issue is she, understandably, i doesn't want to move now even though her mobility is reducing to the point that she can't manage the stairs. I think her life would be easier now if she'd moved 10 years ago when it was still doable. We can't predict when we will lose our mobility. I think my mum is on the younger side, but moving house is easier at 60 than late 70s.

Op I agree with you and this is what we're doing. We're a similar age to your parents and are planning on selling and downsizing this year to free up funds to pass on to our children for deposits.

It's possible that your parents don't realise how much you're struggling, especially since they've already helped you out with a deposit.

They already did. You've had £30k from them that you didn't earn. You are horribly entitled and grabby.

Maybe your parents will decide to sell up completely in 10 years time and go spend several years living on a cruise ship and leave you nothing else.

Then you’re being wildly unreasonable. They’ve already helped you get on the property market. Try being grateful for that instead of resenting them that they don’t sacrifice all their own desires and wellbeing on the altar of parenthood.

@100157ab I find it pretty wild that your parents have already gifted you £30k and you still believe they should be helping you more?! 😳😳
Why do people expect so much from their parents when they are adults themselves?! So many posts on here about expecting help with deposits/weddings/childcare etc 🙄
Obviously, as a parent, if you are able to help your kids out at some stage and want to, then that’s lovely! But I can’t understand people feeling entitled to it! Surely not everyone out there is getting handouts from parents?! Maybe DH and I are just in the minority?

My parents give me £50 for birthday and £50 for Christmas. Neither mine or DHs parents have ever gifted or lent us money. We paid our own house deposit, our own wedding (registry office with no reception and no honeymoon - as it’s all we could afford), and pay for all childcare.

Why did you have two children if by your own description you are very far from being financially comfortable?
You’ve already had 30k off your parents and now you want more money? Maybe you should have picked a cheaper house with a smaller mortgage. Stop expecting your parents to fund your lifestyle and be responsible for your choices.

YABU.

It’s their money, they can spend it how they like!

And 60 is no age now really - they could have 20+ years in it before getting to the point a big house is too much work.

we upsized when kids left an we retired .. we wanted a new house that supports our new life and that meant more space for new hobbies and having people to stay plus keeping rooms for the kids .. I think you are underestimating how much life and energy you have in 60s.. I have friends 20 years older than me in full health, hiking in India doing their own diy and gardening .. none of them feel need to downsize as they are living lives that need the space! Not everyone falls apart at 60 an can’t look after themselves or a house

If your parents are in their 60s, you are probably in your 30s. The vast majority of people aren't in a position to pay off their mortgages at that age. You are comparing yourself to your parents and sister who married into wealth and because you don't have anywhere near as much money as them, you think you are struggling when actually your situation normal.

You have already received a very generous gift of £30k for a deposit which makes you luckier than most people.

Very, very, very unreasonable. I’m almost 60 I’m going to pay off my mortgage this year. I chose to move to a more expensive area to be closer to my work. That was my choice.

My children will be able to pay off their mortgages before they are 60. Why the hell should I help them now? They are going to be wealthy when I die, I help when I feel they need it and I treat them to things constantlybut that does not include paying off their mortgages.

They are at the time of life when they can, and should, do whatever they want to make their remaining years happy. Your time will come too. Be happy for them.

I don’t want to use the label entitled but…yes. 30K for a house deposit is incredibly generous. Now on top of that they are expected to hand out more? And OP, you said your sibling married a wealthy man? Oh well, that’s great. All these stories about money - parents, siblings- it’s their story and money, not yours. Best to put the idea of getting an early inheritance out of mind before it ruins family relationship.

-From someone who has never gotten a handout in their life.

Their money, their choice. Parents aren’t obligated to give their adult children anything. 🤷‍♀️

I haven't read the full thread, but there seems to be some massive entitlement on your part.

At what point do parents stop having responsibility for their grown up children's choices? Are your parents not allowed to make decisons that dont need to factor in their grown up children? Your parents have already gifted you a deposit and now they're expected to help pay off your mortgage?

I assume you'll be getting some inheritance at some point so they aren't exactly leaving you high and dry.

Why should you have their money? Your parents brought you up and then it's your job to make your own way in the world. They don't owe you anything. I think your life would be a lot happier if you started taking responsibility for yourself.

I'm in my 60s, no mortgage and have no thoughts of downsizing. My next move will be to a house that is closer to a station so that I can more more easily access London when I retire for theatre, gigs etc. and that house may cost more, but I have a life to enjoy. I have three adult children.

@Xiaoxiong my 87 year old mother who has had two hip replacements manages very well in her house with stairs and a stair lift.

Only in they’re 60s. My Nanna died at 62 when my grandad died at 67.
This is a completely pointless exercise.
There will not be the capacity for life-prolonging NHS treatment available.
We will be returning to the days first big one will finish them cancer, heart problems etc

Wow! At what age do adult children start to think their parents money is there’s? When they’re in their 60s?! That seems awfully young to be feeling they have no further right to enjoy it.

I totally see your point
My own parents would never entertain such a thing
Ex in laws would

I guess it’s their money 🤷🏽‍♀️

I agree you are being entitled. Your concern over them moving isn't over whether the property will be suitable as they get older rather than you see then as spending money you think you should have.

Would you have even known they had £100k going spare had it not been for the house move? What is triggering you to now think you deserve it?

From what you describe about paying off your own mortgage that is normal. Did you overstretch which means you are now worried? Did you get a low rate previously and not even consider rates might change? These things are down to you and your own planning, you shouldn't be dependent on your parents to pay off your mortgage.
It sounds like you are also jealous of your sister.

My mum upsized a few years ago and said it was so she could have the GC over more. She’s ironically had them way less than she ever did in the past since moving… She 100% has no real need for 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, it just adds more cleaning for her. She isn’t even elderly, not yet 60 but it’s just her, her partner and a teenager they’ve been fostering for around a year meaning two spare bedrooms.

I don’t get it personally but it’s their money ultimately so what can you do? You should be grateful you already had 30k tbh, most people don’t get that! Perhaps they didn’t consider your financial situation and just really fell in love with the new house. If they’re accustomed to a certain style of home, the thought of ‘downgrading’ might have been too much.

I'm sorry you lost your grandparents at such a young age.

People - OPs parents included - are entitled to spend their money how they want to while they're alive.

You are being a very unpleasant and self entitled person indeed. You’re an adult with dc of your own. It’s not your parents responsibility to fund you. Wow, 😮

@100157ab I never understand the ‘their money their choice‘ people who say ‘they don’t owe you a penny’. That’s a very non-traditional view. Historically, families build together and transfer wealth sooner than this. Presumably your parents had less self-oriented parents?

I am sure you will inherit at the end, but it is more the spectacle of greed that is hard to swallow. I think that generation is funny, they passed down to us their parents’ ideals of non-wastefulness and sharing, but they themselves won’t do it.

Yes, I do hold a grudge! That generation are different in that ‘their’ money increased ten fold by them simply just living in a house. To not redistribute the increase to children now struggling with university loans and expensive housing, plus low wages really does seem unfair to me.