Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Well, if my parents had been in a position to help, maybe someone could have stayed close. They did make their own choices in life though. Their own financial management hasn't been the best, but that's up to them.

OP's parents may not count on OP helping them, hence it would be wise to hold onto some money. OP will get the residual later when they die (which, it seems on MN, can't come soon enough for some children. I don't include OP in that.)

I think the difference is that parental help with, say, a house purchase used to be a "nice to have", but ultimately it was something that was within reach even without help, through work and sensible budgeting. Now no matter how hard you work you really do need some kind of windfall, unless you're an extremely high earner.

Me. I've gone from a two bed tiny house to somewhere twice the size with an acre of garden. I'm 60 not 90!

Wow. Not only are you being unreasonable, I don’t actually think you could be any more unreasonable. That money is theirs to do what they want with, whether that’s putting it towards their next home or just keeping it in the bank or whatever. I would certainly not expect such a large sum of money from people who I would assume are either retired or soon to be, could still have many more years to live, and probably would hang onto the money in case it was needed for an emergency rather than giving it to you, if they weren’t putting it towards a house now.

For what it’s worth, my parents are currently downsizing and will likely end up spending roughly
the same amount on a new home as what they get for the current one. Because price doesn’t actually equate with size. They are selling the old family home that is in need of renovation, being almost 30 years old, and at their age need to move into a place that has either been renovated or a new build.

I struggled when I had young children. My parents went on amazing holidays staying at 5 star hotels. I never once even thought they should be giving that money to me. I just looked forward to the time when I too could do something similar and not have to worry about paying for it.
Well I am now at that point and there is no way that I will be paying my kids mortgages for them. I want to enjoy the money I earned. I’m happy to pay for various clubs for the grandkids and help out with childcare and even the odd bill.
i find the entitlement of some people quite bewildering!

Wish them well and take delight in their enjoyment of a nicer home in which to spend their retirement.

😂
Has anyone else seen the "if you're homeless just... buy a house" Vine?

I actually agree with you, we are currently in the process of gifting dd parts of our farm, any inheritance we are due from parents (care annuity so guaranteed) the biggest portion we can afford will be redirected too.

Why wouldn’t we, nothing better than gifting our daughter effectively better life choices.

You say you are in a professional career and they weren't. In order to get that career, how much money did your parents pay towards your education? They've already given you a deposit for a house. Turning 60/retiring doesn't suddenly make someone have no ambition, dreams and life goals and it's their money so they can do what they want with it. And, hopefully, they could still have 25 plus years of life to go so they can enjoy it and pay for it accordingly.

Some of the posters on here have absolutely no idea how expensive getting very old is and it shows.

I would be helping my kids also tbh..

@100157ab just echoing what’s already been said, it’s their money, they have every right to upsize.

Just be happy for them, they’ve worked hard for this, they should enjoy it.

It's so annoying when parents decide to enjoy their money and spend it on themselves.

This is a really interesting point - I'm lucky that my parents have recently changed their attitude about helping us out but they are definitely very preoccupied with the idea that hypothetical future spouses might run off with half of everything.

Quite shocked by the entitlement really. Wish your parents an enjoyable retirement, be grateful for the significant help you have already received, take responsibility for your own financial stability.

Lots of people will tell you yabu but I understand where you are coming from. I will give my DC money to help them so well in life. But me and DH's parents never gave us any money. Many of our peers got a leg up from parents. Wealth is skewed massively to the older age group. Wealth is not distributed through taxes so there's huge inequity between the younger generation who are helped by their parents and those who are not. A bigger gap than those who earn well through hard work.

I'm genuinely unclear on how this would happen - people in their 80s and 90s leaving their wealth to their 60-year-old children will only make any real difference to anything if those 60-year-olds are all struck by the benevolent urge to pass the inheritance straight down to their own 30-year-old offspring.

I worked three jobs to pay my morgage and my husband two. There seems to be some myth that everybodyin their 60s had homes practically given to them . Its just not true for all of us. All my children bought houses younger than us and bigger than ours. Partly due to the sacrifices we made to help them through university without debt.
Such generalisations that everybody above 60 has bank accounts stuffed with money they are clinging on to at the expense of their poor hard done by children.

We are in our 60's and a couple of years ago escaped to the country and extended and modernised a house to upsize it.
We see it as a last chance to do fulfill a dream while we are still fit enough and have enjoyed it so much.
Our children are only happy for us. We could have spent our retirement and money travelling the world or playing golf. At least this way there will be a house to sell at the end of it

You're in the very good position of being married, with both of you in good jobs and doing well in your careers. I'd be encouraging your parents to give some of their wealth to charity - those who really need help.

@thankgoodnessforpuppies not necessarily, it may all go on care.

No but 😆😆😆

If they want to live in a bigger house then why not. Because you think you should get a slice of what they have. Yabu.

exactly & who knows what will happen to that wealth with the economy as it is & the cost of care etc.

Which is a very good reason that older parents shouldn't be giving away wealth and should be holding onto a good bit, if they've managed to build it up.

In the end, if does your child a favour if you aren't hard up or unable to pay for care in your older age. Otherwise they may feel the pressure to help out (which they will probably cry they can't).

I think this generation of parents is very self absorbed.
just don’t do the same to your kids, OP