Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Gosh @LadyMacbethWasFierce i am so very sorry to read this about your daughter ❤️ you sound incredibly strong xxx

I had help with a housing deposit so did my parents. That doesn’t mean we weren’t independent! Help meant I could buy a lot earlier and it’s cost me less long term. My dc benefit from that too, that’s how generational wealth works.

Op, it isn’t that common for people to upsize in their 60s - but if they had stayed in their original house, would you be expecting £££? What is triggering your reaction?

DH & I will likely downsize in a couple of years ( mid 60s), with a view to providing for any care that may be needed, rather than imposing on family. Anything that’s left, we be theirs when we die.

They are only in their sixties.

@Mum28383 if my parents lived in a place already that was huge, I'd actually prefer they stay put as long as they were coping.

But my parents are considering upsizing, and will possibly pay nearly £200k in stamp duty alone...

@LadyMacbethWasFierce Im sorry & what a lovely gesture from your DF.

I thought you were going to say they were taking on more space and therefore more maintenance and upkeep than they were fit for and I understood that, but thinking they should be buying a cheaper house in order to give you money? Yeah I'm sorry op but that's counting your chickens.

Then you are one of the privileged where intergenerational wealth existed to be shared. Many of us aren't.

Being given a house deposit isn't the same as the kind of independence where you have to work for and save it yourself ,and no-one is helping you jump that step into a home.

@Dearg yes that’s a good point. I guess it’s just the flippant way they decide one moment they will spend it like it’s no big deal. 100k would be life changing for us and they’re there thinking they might want an extra en suite to the three they already have 😬

@thankgoodnessforpuppies parents gifted 30k and I had saved 30k.

Could be. Though IME people become awfully resistant to change when they’re older. And it’s one thing to plan to invest in a bigger house with a plan to sell at a profit in some abstract future old age, but it’s quite another to admit to yourself that proper old age and infirmity have arrived and the time has come to downsize.

A gift of 30K is a heck of a lot of money and huge hand up.

@Xiaoxiong how much does a house have to be for 200k stamp duty?!?

Being given a house deposit isn't the same as the kind of independence where you have to work for and save it yourself

Why do you think I didn’t have to work or save? I’m a Londoner so things aren’t cheap.

I remember, a few years ago, when weddings were often discussed on MN in terms of "it's my wedding, I'm paying for it, I'm going to have it my way, parents can butt out, they don't get a say in My Big Day". And now here we are, a few years later, the same generation seem to be saying "why won't my parents give me their money towards my house".
It's funny how views change over time.

2.5m ish but less if you have other properties

So do I. And I don't really understand the ' it's their money to do as they please with' attitude. Because money should circulate but it has for far too long been bottlenecked at the top.

It's their massive good luck that they bought when homes were affordable and had their property double in value. Their massive good luck that pensions were generous, jobs secure and university was free. Meanwhile the opposite has happened to their children's generation - the first in a long while to be far worse off than their parents. How anyone in their sixties can fail to see the economic injustice of this and the burden it puts on the generation beneath ours stuns me. Both parents have to work and still two salaries don't cover mortgage and rising CoL, putting huge stress on family life because one parent - usually the mother, is also miraculously expected to always be available to be in two places at once: at work but also able to nip into school to give antibiotics four times a day or collect a sick child early or take them to the dentist and never be late for after school club etc etc.

OP's parents have the chance to make a massive difference to their children's lives, but they would rather have a big house they don't need. Yes, I judge that attitude. I'm in my 60s too and would never put my own luxury before my child's basic needs. That's greedy and insensitive.

That's definitely true about becoming resistant to change. The time to move is before you get to that stage.

I'd be thinking about downsizing, but some of these kids are way too comfortable at home. ;-)

My parents are also in their 60s, retired and have recently 'upsized'. My only concern has been that it's a lot for them to take on, but I'd feel completely unreasonable to assume I'm entitled to any of the financial security they've worked hard for. (I'm in a similar situation to you OP).
My take is that I'm so happy our kids have so much space to run around in when we visit my parents.

OP are you an only child?

I have no idea what you did and I was talking generally, not specifically about you.

You can say you're a Londoner and things aren't cheap but you made a choice to stay in London. We moved to a cheaper city to make housing affordable for us.

Great post @Tonissister & one of the big advantages of having help was the fact I could work very p/t when the dc were little and I’m still p/t now. It means I am less stressed & can facilitate extracurriculars plus spend more time with parents.

I think a lot shut the conversation down and prefer to label the likes of the OP grabby because that’s more comfortable than acknowledging the inequality.

How much deposit did they give you already OP? Ok I see it’s been answered while I typed. £30k is very generous. And a good helping hand for your future.

I’m in my 50s and want to move but have to wait until the DC finish school. Maybe until they leave home. When we’re retired we will be at home more, so the house is even more important. I want to live somewhere with generous living space and adaptable for future needs. With nice space around me (not looking over a housing estate like now), in a nice community area. I know exactly where I want to live and it’s more expensive.

I’ve saved enough to give my DC a deposit. I will also pass most of my inheritance to them, if I get one (DH already put the entirety of his £9k inheritance in their bank accounts). I will fund them through uni £1k a month each. But I will not give up on my own dream retirement I’ve been working very hard for, unless they are destitute.

Yes @thankgoodnessforpuppies I wanted to stay in my hometown as it’s where I have links. Particularly important as a 2nd gen immigrant. I could have bought without parental help even in London but help meant I bought quicker and remained close to family which is what they wanted. Perhaps it’s also a cultural thing, for us it’s very normal for families to support each other.

They could live to 100 and spend 10 years in care at about £7k a month each, using up all the money they've earned. Don't expect anything in inheritance, let them enjoy it.