Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

I think like this now, but then a lot of older people (I am not being agesit and saying all, but a lot) like gardening. I love the idea of a nice garden, but even if I could afford it, I'd not have the time to look after it.
I guess they might be thinking they could have the grandkids to stay and t oplay in it, too.

MNs is so contrary. If anyone starts a thread about affording dc posters chastise others for not saving deposits etc for dc. However on a thread about inheritance it’s always grubby for dc to want some parental help.

Some do if they can, yes. That doesn't mean it is an entitlement.

OP might not understand why he parents aren't giving her money instead of doing something that will make them happy, but that doesn't make her right. It reeks of entitlement, thinking her life is more important than her parents. It also reeks of lack of understanding of what her parents might have done for her and sacrificed in the past. Did someone say they already gave her a house deposit? Get out of their pockets and become an independent adult.

I can't imagine feeling hurt because my parents were using their money their way.

My main concern would be they’ll fill a bigger house with vast amounts of stuff and then won’t be able to take care of the house & garden when they’re older, but they’ll refuse to move anywhere more suitable for their needs, and and they’ll need a lot of help but refuse to hire anyone in, so it will all fall on you.

(ask me how I know!)

Steel yourself now for some hardcore sandwich years in 15 years’ time or so.

Many parents don't like to give large sums to their children in their 20s and early 30s because of the high possibility of divorce.

So they are enjoying their life with their own money. You are not entitled to their money and if I was them and saw this post I’d leave it all to the rspca

@Pistachiocake well I like gardening, although i’m a bit younger!

Many people have ideas etc but often they don’t come to fruition eg you imagine your gc playing in your lovey big garden. In reality you hardly see them because house prices have meant they have to live far away & when you do see them they are indoors on their phones 😆

I wonder if they think the house is an investment for the future? They can sell, probably at profit later, downsize, and use the money to fund in home care later. It may be an investment for their future needs.

My father, in his 60s, is selling his apartment and buying a new house by the sea with his partner. You could also say that he is upsizing now that he's retired. He's also going on an expensive cruise: the outrage! And yet, never ever has it crossed my mind that he should be spending his money on me. He's earned it, it's his to spend, and he's very excited about retirement.
But then again I've never seen my parents as a bank to fund my lifestyle. You obviously know that you are being grabby, snap out of it OP.

I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!!

Yes, it is easy to say all the nice yada yada for your own children. Wait until you are there and see how you feel. They've already given you money for your house.

Greedy and mean-spirited.

Maybe they were once like you. Just getting by with a large mortgage and children to provide for. Maybe now they’re in a position to have freedom financially to do as they please and running with it. I’m sure the time will come when you are one day in the situation they are in now.

Or a massive inheritance for the OP.

Yes, and also, when you get older, you start to see that you're getting older and future care might be needed. I'm only 50ish and starting to think about that. Suddenly extra cash doesn't feel so extra, even if it's just sitting there.

@thankgoodnessforpuppies I never said it was. But because some do it often makes things harder for those that don’t have help. Like I said I know it’s a touchy subject and some get very defensive.

Get out of their pockets and become an independent adult.

How is the op not independent?

@harriethoyle it sounds like you're planning to do something along the same lines as my parents, and for the same stated reason (space for grandkids to come stay).

Please can you reassure me - the situation @VoltaireMittyDream describes is exactly what I'm worrying about!!

It’s really unlikely that today’s young will be in the same position as their parents. The landscape is completely different.

If you mean you want the money now rather than from a will, then you are extremely unreasonable!

Did she save her own house deposit? She's looking to her parents to help her out. That's not adult independence.

Yes, it does make an unequal playing field that some parents can help and some can't. Hasn't that always been the way though? I've never had any help from my parents. Yet I know some who have. Being given cars and house deposits was never my lot in life, but that's just how it is.

I knew most people would tell you you were wrong OP but truly you are not in my view.

I am late 50s. I had my children a bit later in life so they are early 20s / teens. But my whole focus is on easing their way and helping them in every way I can. I cannot imagine “upsizing” if the alternative meant I’d be able to assist them financially.

And for additional context, my eldest child, my beloved daughter died last October aged 24. My DF (early 80s) has offered to sell his house and give me half the money and downsize if I am unable to go back to work. So as to ensure the security of my remaining children. That probably won’t be necessary. But the offer is totally genuine and without strings attached.

I have to say that has been my experience with my friends and extended family too. So you are not alone OP in thinking your parents attitude is unfeeling.

It’s highly likely they will. The biggest intergenerational transfer of wealth ever will happen over the next few decades.

60s is still young - they could have decades of life left.

My in- laws live in a huge house, just the two of them. They value their space.

I’m on your side OP.

You need to make bloody sure you’re not cleaning and maintaining that luxury haime in a decade. And the 20 years after that.

Say it now, with a little giggle.

You'll inherit the house later, if of course not spent on care home fees. That is the norm, pass your home onto your children when you die and not before.

They helped you with a deposit, that was generous and more than a lot of people are given. They are not responsible to pay off your mortgage, that's your debt.

Those damn boomers have to die at some point.

Agree with this.

I know when I was in my 20s and and DH wondered aloud to each other, why do people tend to inherit near retirement when they don't need it so much? It would be so much handier earlier. We were wrong. I'm 50ish and I can now see how much more useful it actually is to inherit at a point in life where you are approaching an older, more vulnerable and needy age. It can provide more security then.