Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

My parents did exactly the same thing in their 60s. I thought it was ridiculous and still do

Clearly they’re not thinking 10/15 years ahead when a large house will become a millstone of work and upkeep.
Then you’ll have them in their 80s in a completely unsuitable home they won’t sell. It’s seen so often, aging parents making silly choices regards a home’s suitability.

Or they will be ready to move into a retirement community. Who knows?

Exactly this OP

Why should they think 10 to 15 years ahead?
This is what they want to do now

But that isn't what the OP is angry about. She's angry that she can't get her hands on their cash.

For me the money side doesnt come into it. They can do what they want. Especially if they were moving area or to the seaside and it would cost more for a smaller or equal sized property
Bit I do think people are crazy for upsizing in later years. If there is just one or two of you in the property why do you need multiple bedrooms? Those rooms have to be furnished and probably are never used.my nearly 100 year old nan lives in a 3 bed sem. The two spare bedrooms have furniture in them from when they first moved in in 1950, never touched or decorated. What is the point? Plus it more to clean and look after.
As soon as my kids move out I will be downsizing massively . I also dont want a garden to look after either. Once I hit about 65 I am going to start reducing down my possessions too so my kids dont have all this put on them when I die.

Sounds like the parents are perfectly comfortable considering they have given the OP thirty grand already and have money to spend on moving upmarket, I expect they can afford a gardner and a cleaner if needed when the time comes, so long as the OP hasn’t bankrupted them in the meantime of course.

@Xiaoxiong Why not gently mention your concerns? Perhaps they've already thought all of this through? For instance, elderly people who live in bungalows go downhill more quickly than those who have to use stairs every day. And don't advise them to leave their money to the donkey sanctuary - the last time I looked at them they had more money than they knew what to do with. Choose a less well-known charity. (yes, I know that was only an example)

I meant since 2008, sorry I should have clarified that. They are very low compared to the 90s but prices were much lower then. I know it was hard in the 80s/90s but it is harder now. I knew people who bought for less than £50k in the late 90s. It was possible to leave school, work and buy a house in your late teens/early 20s and I know people who did this. It would be impossible now. I'm in my 40s and I wouldn't even be able to afford what I bought in the 2010s now, prices have gone up so much in the last 15 years, and they were much lower in the 80s/90s. My house was 6 times what is was in the late 90s! Wages aren't 6 times higher. The loans are much bigger now, so the lower rates aren't as good as they sound.

Maybe they want to invite their children and grandchildren to stay? To have a big family home for family occasions?
And perhaps they don't think of this as their final home. Maybe they want to enjoy their early retirement before moving into their final, elderly people home?

I agree with this. I want my kids to be fully independent and I dont think handouts help that. I dont want to be "put first" by my parents (barring something disastrous happening) and it's better for all of us and our adult relationships

I didnt get anything from mine - i wouldn't want it (and im in my 30s so sadly have a massive mortgage still!)

I think I get it now. People don't want to wait until their parents die to inherit because they're worried that there will be nothing left to inherit,not even the house because it might have been sold to pay for the care home.

How do you know they won’t use and don’t need the rooms, they may wish to have a bedroom each, they may wish a hobby room each, they may want to have other family come to stay. They have earned their money, they have financially helped their children already.
Whilst I would not see my children struggle with health problems or a crisis I do think there comes a point when day to day they have to be independent and responsible.
The OP’s parents have bought a house, this is at least an asset the value of which will still be within their estate. They could have chosen instead to have ten holidays a year, a case of champagne a week and gamble it all away and it would be gone completely.

OP,

So, to keep talking about how you will put your DC first always. Are you willing to downsize later and gift them the proceeds?

I realise you can’t know your inheritance because your parents’ need for care is unknown. If it is modest, and you continue to struggle, what will you do in old age? Do you really see yourself living, possibly for years, in one room of a council run care home so DC can have what they consider they are owed?

You said you wouldn’t become destitute. Good! I am suggesting that this is not consistent with ‘putting my children first’ indefinitely, except for people with large assets or pensions.

Most of the financially devoted parents on this thread do sound relatively young.

It's because of this kind of entitled, unhealthy focus on OTHER PEOPLE'S money that I'm confident that Right to Die legislation would be abused. OP's parents no doubt brought her up well and made sure she had a good education and as an adult she is therefore in a successful and well paid career, with a husband who's the same. At a guess she's probably in the top 10 percent of incomes. But she's convinced she's entitled to more, from the people who've given her so much already.

The very idea of inheritance is a curse. Okay, not everyone is as destroyed by it as the Vanderbilts but it's not good for anyone. I plan to die with nothing and I hope my parents/in laws do too. I have no fears for my child because I'm focused on enabling them to grow up be the sort of person who thrives, but once they're adult that will be their own responsibility.

For goodness sake OP, stop being so grabby.

You and your dh are in decently paid jobs, there are two of you, you should be able to support yourself, or to adjust your lifestyle accordingly.

Perhaps your parents think their purchase is a good investment. They have to keep in mind that they may both need care at some point, and with a mid-range care home costing £6k-£7k a month, that would be £150k a year. A £750k house would only last 5 years.

You absolutely should not expect any handouts. You are not a child, you don't need your mummy & daddy bankrolling you. Where is your self respect?

What a very depressing plan. My DGM lived to 102. I wouldn't want to spend 37 years living somewhere poky and spartan with no garden. Where is the fun in that?

We intended to downsize but actually we upsized and then extended!!

Our children were happy for us.

It is great to give money to your kids when needed, but surely it is still their money, and if they want to upsize good for them.

Parents can spend their money on whatever they want, whether that's a large home to live in, lots of sparkly rings or endless luxury holidays. You have no entitlement to any of their money, and they have already helped you out with a house deposit. 60ish isn't old age anymore, they could have another 40 years.

Your parents gave you a a deposit to help you buy your home .
You are very fortunate they did that ! ( myself and my husband got absolutely nothing from either set of parents we have financed absolutely everything ourselves including paying for every single thing for our children )
If your parents are in their 60s then I’m assuming you’re in your 30s ?
So of course you’ll have years before your mortgage is paid off !
I think it’s entirely up to them whether they buy a larger property.
I have to say that I would probably downsize in terms of size of property but not necessarily buy somewhere less expensive .

@BudgetBuster If it wasn’t already clear then I should reiterate that I am not angry. I was mostly surprised by it and as I have said, it’s not something I can imagine doing myself albeit I know I can’t be 100% sure how I would feel in the future

@Meadowfinch yes they did mention the investment point. They do also own 3 other homes already.

@poetryandwine I am not sure I would downsize, no. But I feel pretty sure I wouldn’t upsize and spend extra money I had spare.