Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

A global financial crisis was responsible for the recession which affected other economies worse and longer than the UK. Austerity was ideological and has been soundly denounced by most economists. It’s a contributory cause of our current financial mess, the other being Brexit.

Yes if you put it that way I agree with you. I absolutely want to help out my children but don't feel they are entitled to question my financial choices...

A global financial crisis was responsible for the recession which affected other economies worse and longer than the UK.
Brown introduced 'light touch' financial regulation that allowed the financial crisis to spread here. Other countries, e,g, Canada, were better prepared / insulated from the shock..
Austerity was ideological
It was unavoidable. Have you forgotten the "I'm afraid there is no money" memo?
Brexit.
Again, you can trace this back to New Labour ands their over-enthusiastic adoption of Freedom of Movement, which meant that people from poorer member states came here and undercut existing workers' wages. NL in their metropolitan bubble didn't realise that the policy made their own supporters worse off. Labour never seem to see the unintended (but entirely predictable) consequences of their actions.

It was a global financial crisis. It affected every country in the world. Canada may have fared better than the UK, many other countries fared far worse.

Austerity wasn’t unavoidable, most economists agree that it made matters worse and contributed to the decade and a half of economic stagnation the UK has experienced. Not only that but government borrowing actually rose during the austerity years.

Blaming any government other than the Tories for Brexit is an absolute joke, the only thing Labour can be blamed for is Corbyn’s refusal to make remain party policy. Meanwhile the UK economy has lost out by 8% since that act of political self harm.

@Owly11 i don’t actually agree with this. I think I owe my dc always. Not to make myself destitute but to always support them and put them first as far as possible.

We do take responsibility. We run our home and have full time jobs.

Hopefully your children won't be as ignorant as you.

If you feel so entitled why not ask your parents to pay off your mortgage?

My parents did this in their late sixties / early seventies and it did actually annoy me. They went from 3 bed over 2 floors to 4 bed over floors; in mid seventies/ early eighties they are really struggling.

This is absurd.

How can you expect them to in any way take responsibility for your own choices? You choose what house to buy (and how much to spend), what car to buy, how may children to have, and your career. Nobody else is responsible for these decisions and the financial impact on you. Why should your parents support their adult children instead of doing what THEY want with THEIR money? Perhaps if you said you had a disability which prevents you from working or means that you require a specific type of home setup, but your situation is your own doing.

Have you also considered that they may need to keep hold of funds to help pay for good quality care in the future?

Is it not a question of degree, OP?

I am an academic at an excellent university. Students are markedly less able to cope with ordinary demands than they were 10 years ago. And much more stressed.

Helping DC to become self reliant and able to function independently in the world is a great gift.

(We don’t know your personal circs. No one here has denied that they would fail to help with health care for DC or DGC if they could make a difference, for example.)

Edit: poor phrasing alert!!!

No one here has SAID that they would fail to help with heath care….

You don't take responsibility - you expect your parents to pay your bills.

Who is going to use the bedrooms and en suites? Do they expect you to come stay with them?

While they don't owe you a handout, as a parent myself, I can't imagine putting money toward something that I don't just not need but will possibly never use (an extra, empty room) if my child was struggling. But then, many parents have no issue with this, mine included.

Given your financial situation, I'd probably struggle to visit their house or congratulate them. They are tone deaf if they expect you to be happy about this for them.

Is it just the house move that annoyed you? Or do you find yourself disapproving of everything they do?

.

As I’ve already said easy to say when your little ones are cute and adorable, you can’t imagine not giving them the shirt off your back if they needed it, come back to us when they are 30/40/50/60 (as you claim you will financially support them forever) so easy to say you would do this with mythical money and let’s face it you are only saying that because you are so desperate to get your hands on your parents cash, and you think it’s them who are selfish! Give me strength 🙄

What difference does it make about how they are going to use the rooms? I don't dictate how other people use their homes. I find it infuriating that parents are never, ever according to some, allowed to enjoy themselves. Childcare, deposits for property, lump sums for mortgages, goodness knows what else. If those aren't provided the adult children go off in a huff and go no contact. Incredible!

I agree. I've said on here that so many people on here seem to have this absolute all or nothing approach to parenting. You can still help them when they are adults while teaching them skills of responsibility and being accountable for their own actions. All this talk of parents moving to bedsits and park homes and giving all their money to children is frankly insane.

Of course when children are little their needs come first. But being a good parent doesn't mean putting their needs first ALL THE TIME even even their adults. Relationships change as you get older and it does no one any favours to keep them in this infantalised state where they think the entire world revolves around them and that parents should continue to financially support them even when they've made conscious decision such as having children themselves. Children as they grow up, need to see their parents as human beings who have their own lives too. Nobody wants a martyr for a parent.

Most parents will never see their kids struggle and will do what they can to help. But it's a massive leap from this to the entitlement of thinking that you're entitled to dictate where your parents live or you should be given such astronomical sums of their savings when you've already had a massive house deposit.

OP has said they are moving to a nicer area. So I suspect the parent decision was more along the lines of "What area do we want to live in for our retirement" as opposed to how many bathrooms. And usually a nicer area demands a higher price point.

But all the OP can see if money she is apparently "owed"

ETA: The OP hasn't alluded to any "financial situation" other than her and her spouse have a mortgage and both work.... thats pretty much a standard situation at her age.

To be honest if your kids go off in a huff over you buying a new house - you know already that you are just a walking bank account to them and at least you know who you raised. Sometimes no matter what you give them - they feel they are entitled to more.

@100157ab but your parents gave you £30K house deposit. Surely you can see that is very generous & more than most people get. Your generation also get heavily subsidised childcare. I don’t know how big your house is but it doesn’t sound like you’re on the breadline.

When your parents bought there would have been no subsidised childcare, no meals out or take outs, less people went abroad on hols. So I guess it depends on what sort of lifestyle you are expecting?

It's quite sad as well the amount of people who just view their parents as walking cash machines with absolutely no respect for them as people themselves or what they might want out of life.

Your parents are grown adults, they should be free to live in the house they want. They are 60 not 80.

And I can almost guarantee too, the ones saying they'll forever put their children first, bankroll them with everything will be viewed similarly by their own children. As people less than human and and their entire reason for existing is to completey sacrifice themselves to their children. Nobody respects a martyr and all it does is breed entitled spoiled individuals.

@ThatsthelasttimeIplaythetartforyouJerry yes I agree I might feel differently in the future. But I’d like to think I would also recognise that wanting a fifth en-suite was a little unnecessary and could instead support my family.

But it's none of your business. It's pretty patronising to assume people don't consider the possibly difficulties they'll encounter in older age.

To PPs, including OP, saying ‘my children will always come first’:

Of course, help if you can with life changing health care, escaping a harmful relationship, healing from a breakdown or substance abuse, coping with a finite period of joblessness, etc. No one on this thread is speaking against this.

Seriously, where do you draw the line, especially if you have gifted a house deposit already?

Most who say this sound relatively young. What have you seen of the care that councils provide the elderly? Much of it is grim. Why would you choose to end your life in that environment by failing to provide for yourself before DC who are not in extreme circumstances?

Unless you are UMC, it can be a stark choice. Private health care homes are upwards of £50,000 pa and increasing.

You think it's unnecessary but they obviously want it.

Honestly, give your head a wobble. Do you really hate your parents so much?

Are you also telling your husbands parent they need to pay for you and your DC lifestyle?

Maybe I'm a monster, but I think giving in excess to your kids just limits their self reliance. It does no good, just makes them entitled and unable to fend for themselves. I've elected to start a pension (JSIPP) for mine. It will be a decent amount of money I suppose, when they are 57 or whatever the age is, but won't stop them from knowing they have to find their own way in life. There will also be some money for education, or starting a business, if they elect to do either. There will not be handouts for material things though, houses included, or a large inheritance. Earning what you spend is core to adulting I think.