Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Upsizing at that age is crazy, i could understand them spending £££ to get a smaller house in the perfect location to grow old, but i hope they went be expecting OP to help with up keep and maintenance and managing these when they are elderly.

It still contributes massively to housing shortages whether you like it or not.
And kids need a stable family not passed about because dad shagged someone or mum is fed up doing the dishes like they are some kind of pawn.

Do your parents realise how cash-strapped you are and what a difference it would make to you? Despite all the hoohah in the media, they might assume it's not so bad for you - a bit like it was for them.
Having said that, I don't think an adult child can ever EXPECT that kind of help. It's for the parents to decide what to do with their money.

Maybe people have just forgotten or don’t talk about the hard times they lived through with high unemployment and inflation. I know people whose finances never recovered from negative equity in the 90s. The idea that boomers have had it easy never felt true to me, they just had a different set of circumstances they had to navigate.

We have had historically low interest rates for what feels like forever and cheap money for those with access to it has really changed the game for many people. So remortgaging or downsizing and gifting to children doesn’t feel like a huge sacrifice for some. But that could change especially if the money just isn’t cheap anymore. If we have negative equity again we could even see children resenting their parents for pushing them into a situation they really couldn’t afford. We don’t know what is going to happen.

Why is it crazy? We've been in our house for 34 years and are looking forward to having extra space in the house that we’re moving to. Our daughter lives overseas so there is no expectation at all that she will be helping with any maintenance. We are using a chunk of our savings, and have worked hard all our lives - in fact Im still working part time at 68 and will probably continue to do so for the next four or five years. It is absolutely no-one else’s business how we choose to spend our money and having a big house like the one we are about to love to has always been our dream.

Why can't they do what they want with their own money? Buy a bigger /better house? Take off for a long weekend in Rome? Go on a round the world cruise? Decide to spend the winter in warmer climes? I wouldn't have begrudged my parents any of that if they had had the money and wanted to.

They’re in their 60s not 80s!

I’d like a kitchen big enough to store things in and a space for the exercise bike. Me, I’m your upsizer at 60 plus. Now, where did I put that lottery ticket. (If only).

I’m afraid I think you are being totally unreasonable. They are still relatively young, and if they want a bigger house and can afford it, then it is entirely their choice to buy one.

I don’t know if you mean it to sound this way, but it is coming across to me that you think you have an entitlement to being helped by them financially because you have a mortgage that will take years to pay off, and that you are not as financially well off as you wish you were. However, that is not their problem, is it?

Also, when they first bought a property then I imagine, like you, they had years ahead of mortgage paying, as do most of us. It goes with the territory for the vast majority of us.

One day, you will more than likely inherit a half share of any assets your parents have, but for the moment you have to accept their choice, and if that is to move to a larger house, then so be it. The fact that you think you would behave differently if you were in their shoes is neither here nor there.

I know where you're coming from OP. I know some posters are saying you're being entitled but I don't think it's that. I think you're just a bit baffled because you can't imagine doing that if your own children were in the position you are. I think it's a generational thing. The concept of giving children any money prior to inheritance is a relatively modern concept, and I think some older generations literally just don't consider it.
That being said, 60s isn't that old!
Our children will be looking to get on the housing ladder in probably about 10 years time, and my DH and I have decided at that point we will be downsizing and giving them the difference to help them. I can't imagine how else young people nowadays will ever build their own wealth...house prices have meant that home ownership has become unattainable.

I’m in my 60‘s. I’m not ready to do the things that say you’re on a managed decline such as downsizing. If you want more money, go out and earn it or simplify your lifestyle.

I'm late 50's with children between 24 and 17. I've given them everything for almost 25 years. Can I not have something for myself now? Can I not buy a camper van and travel the country or do I have to give my children the £50k to ease their life now?

Are we slaves to our children from the day we conceive until the day we die??

Most people don't buy a house with the plan to only stay in it for a decade. A lot can change from 60s into 70s and even more so into 80s.
I've been a paramedic for 20 years and seen a lot of people who've get themselves into difficult situations through poor decisions on the houses they bought at retirement age. So yes, i think they are crazy to upsize at this age.

So many people on here seem to have this all or nothing approach to life. Some seem to think that being a good mum means sacrificing absolutely everything and anything, even to your adult children while you live in a park home or a rough bedsit in London.

These posters might think they're doing their kids a favour or that they are a better parent for having this all or nothing approach but they really aren't. Parents no matter what age model what is acceptable to their children through actions and behaviour. So parents doing this are in essence telling their kids that it's completely acceptable to see their parents as people who don't matter and who shouldn't have value in life. And that also life is completely about self sacrifice and they should never have wants or desires of their own and life is just one massive slog.

You might say it makes you happy to make others happy but I wonder how much happier it will make the poster living in a high crime rate area, in a small bedsit with dodgy neighbours and potentially not feeling safe. Is that the sort of life you'd want for your children. Because if you're choosing that for yourself, you are basically telling your children is acceptable for them.

Most parents will derive joy from their children's happiness and want to help them too. But I'm still a person too. I matter too and I have my own wants and desires and these don't disappear when I have kids. And hope if I do parenting right, my kids will see that too. They'll know I'll be there for them and help anyway I can but as they become adults, they'll respect me and value me too.

That's the sort of kids I want. Not any that would be happy to see me in poverty for their own expense.

Yes you are being unreasonable.

I’m constantly astonished at threads where grown adults are resentful about what parents do with THEIR money.

She will inherit it so why not 🤷

I assume you missed the post where the OP said her parents gave her a 30k deposit. Hardly ending their parental responsibilities at 18.

You say it was luck for them...they helped you with your deposit???

Its their money and their choice. Your mortgage and ability to pay it off is not you their responsibility your lucky you got help with deposit. Very very unreasonable

Has the OP said she is cash-strapped?

Well, that depends on the attitude of your children. :-)

I had a conversation with my parents and I told them to spend the lot traveling the world if they wanted to, since they don't owe me anything now I'm an adult. They don't owe me an inheritance either. And unlike OP, they didn't even give me a generous house deposit! They didn't give me a cent towards a house.

You only see the ones who get in trouble though. Biased sample.

My DPs downsized from a detached 5 bed house to a... 5 bed detached house 🤦🏻‍♀️

I says to my DM at the time that cleaning it and maintaining it would be a hassle and the design of the stairs would make them impossible to adapt for a stair lift or similar in later years.

I suggested a bungalow because DM already had mobility issues but she practically spat it back at me.

Now she has severe mobility issues and she's forced to decide between spending thousands installing a lift and losing a downstairs and upstairs room. Or spending thousands on estate agent, solicitors fees and stamp duty to move again only a few years later.

I get where a lot of posters are coming from but MN can be a safe space to get out unpopular opinions to help you understand them and hopefully work through them without negatively impacting your relationship with your DPs.

Ultimately it's their money and their choice. Even though you feel it would make a bigger positive difference to your life than theirs, they deserve to spend their money on whatever makes them happy.

I agree with this

I think it’s odd to upsize at their age - I’d be worried about it being too mix and too big for them.

But you’ve been more fortunate then most op with a £30k deposit. They have definitely helped you out by giving you that leg up. I didn’t get any help with a deposit. My parents could no way have afforded that sort of money but also they didn’t approve of my buying a flat with my boyfriend. It was actually a fantastic financial decision but they disapproved. But they bought us a dining room table and took us to the supermarket and said they’d buy whatever we could fit into a trolley.

I can’t imagine not helping DS (times are now very different). But I don’t think you can expect it. They probably think the deposit was really generous and it’s hard to disagree.

The OPs parents are in their 60s - hardly on their last legs! A lot of people are still working in their 60s as well as being expected to look after the grandchildren so why would it be an issue? Presumably they are capable of making decisions for themselves?

Of course, if it does get too much they could always hire cleaners, gardeners etc (and make the OP even more bitter) 🤣