Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Thank you, but I find my happiness in other things 😊

Same.
Mine didn't have easy life and I eant her to be able to have nice retirement. I would not accept the money in situation like that. Ever.

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to feel this way. I guess the mix of responses comes from people’s different perspectives about the role of a parent. I agree with you, that if possible, it’s great for parents to help out their DC and DGC. It’s definitely what I’m hoping to do down the line. I suppose some people believe parental responsibility ends at 18; I don’t.

They’ve already been incredibly generous to you by gifting you £30k towards your house deposit. Most people are not lucky enough to have this kind of financial help, ever.

Your mortgage and whatever number of DC’s you have are down to your own choices. Why on earth should they prioritise you and your mortgage before their own situation - they are in their 60’s, not at death’s door.

This post comes across as ungrateful and entitled.

It is more difficult to save now because of the rental market, the changing nature of employment and yes, changes in expectations.

The first two are probably bigger factors. But DH is older than me, just retired, and friends older than him were starting their families and paying that 15% in the 1970s. These were successful young lecturers and postdocs then. I listen to them recall ‘the old days’.

Usually the wife was home with young DC, because no child care. No car or maybe an old banger, no central heat, no dishwasher, no shower, no tumble dryer. DC clothes from Oxfam. A decent dress from M&S was a treat. Basic, cheap home cooked food, lots of home sewing, hand me down toys, etc. Camping holidays only. What’s a restaurant?

You can’t live that way with two employed parents in the family and I am not suggesting it is virtuous, but that was normal life for young academics 50+ years ago. Now it would feel too deprived. So yes, our expectations have changed.

Progress and improved standards are good. I agree that greedy employers and landlords are bad! But the feeling by many on this thread that life is harder now seems to be to be largely a result of these greedy actors.

Speaking as someone in her early 60s I have to say people my age often don't feel old and we can expect to live up to 30 years more, so why not have a house they really like for the last 20 or so until they can't manage the maintenance and do really want to downsize!
Expecting them to live somewhere they, for whatever reason, have decided they no longer like or which no longer meets their needs just so they can give some ££ to you is very selflish.

Quite. Round here nice bungalows cost just as much as a house. The ideal of a chalet bungalow in a convenient location… Well, I know that if would cost me £££ to downsize (unless I chose to be the poster moving to a bedsit in a slum…).

Cautionary tale: aunt made her property over to her (minor) gd. Then her dil left her ds and is fighting for full custody as her dd owns the grandmother’s house and she would have control over this. It is a real mess and leaving my elderly aunt in a perilous state.

Progress and improved standards are good. I agree that greedy employers and landlords are bad!

People became landlords precisely because interest rates were so low!

Its time we stopped blaming boomers. For the most part they af least had 2 adults in 1 house. Today there is far to much divorce resulting in them both needing a house.
Single parents should be made share (especially in council houses)

My brother is the same as you. I encourage my parents to spend their money and do the stuff they want to do.

I suppose there's two types of parents. Yours and mine. Yours seem the type where they don't see they ought to give you any money. That you should "make your own way" in life. Is it selfish? Yes a bit. Im an only child. Im 45. I owned an apartment by 24 which they had helped me buy. I was a hard worker. Always studied and got a good job. At age 31 my parents swapped house and apartment with me and I moved in with my husband. I now have 2 kids. Im an only child. Its just my Mam left now and of course the apartment suits her perfectly. She still stuffs notes into my hand every visit. They were extremely generous. They lived extremely frugal lives. They didn't want fancy things. They want me to have it. I think your type of parent is more common. I can see why your shocked and disappointed. Why would you upsize at that age?...

People on mumsnet have crazy ideas about who is ‘allowed’ a large house and garden. My parents upsized in their sixties. They love their new house - and garden! In a few years they might decide to get a gardener in - their money their choice. Nothing crazy about spending your money how you see fit and enjoying life!

How is giving 30k not giving money?

Yes, if that’s your choice to continue giving financial help to your adult children late into your life…then no issues. What this thread is about, and there’s many others on this site, is those very children viewing their entitlement to their parents savings as some kind of given rite, without any consideration for what their parents may want to do with their twilight years. It’s entitled, money grabbing and distasteful.

I did and I still think what you are doing is utterly foolish, let’s hope you appoint a legal representative yourself who will act in your best interests and not one chosen by your children. Enjoy your bedsit in a grotty area.

You've already had a deposit and are upset at not getting more.......

She was given 30k for a deposit, don't you think that was generous?

So who’s going to tell 64 year old Enya that she shouldn’t be living by herself in a 2.5 million pound castle? Selfish money hoarding house hogger that she is.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-15658107/Enya-life-castle-cats-quit-fame.html

There might be two types of kids - those who feel they are entitled to everything they can get and those who feel they should make their own way in life and not expect their parents to continually support them - in reality we know life is more nuanced than this - we should not expect our family to make sacrifices for our choices. I wanted my parents to enjoy their last few years not to have to sacrifice their lifestyle because their kids were incapable of independence.

Well it is better than miserable people remaining married, and messing up their dcs in the process.

I would prob rather give my kids the money to help them, having said that, you can’t get annoyed with their choices, they aren’t doing anything wrong at all.

I presume you haven't read the full thread. The OPs parents gave her £30k toward the cost of her house.
I would say that is very generous. No parent "ought to give" their adult child a huge sum of money... its their money to spend as the wish. But yet, her parents did give her a substantial lumpsum but now she has the hump they dare spend their own money on themselves and not give her more money.

Why should her parents pay for her house?

You sound very entitled to their money, which they (presumably) worked hard for or made sensible financial choices to earn. You are absolutely out of order here. Let them enjoy the remaining years of their lives for goodness sake!

Why would upsize at this age ?

Because you want to enjoy your dream home using your own money … just like anyone else.

Her parents gave her a 30k deposit. Hardly "making your own way life" is it now?