Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents upsizing - AIBU

1000 replies

100157ab · 21/03/2026 21:24

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

OP posts:
canuckup · 22/03/2026 12:16

I have to say that I am utterly shocked by the attitude of some people in here

Your child is struggling, and therefore the grandchildren are too - but you think it's fine to spend another 100k on buying a bigger house? For two people??

Crikey

MrsMitford3 · 22/03/2026 12:17

100157ab · 21/03/2026 22:09

@Dearg yes that’s a good point. I guess it’s just the flippant way they decide one moment they will spend it like it’s no big deal. 100k would be life changing for us and they’re there thinking they might want an extra en suite to the three they already have 😬

Bloody hell @100157ab

Calling your parents decision to spend their own money instead of giving it to you "flippant" is so entitled I almost don't believe it is true.
I wonder if your attitude is apparent to them?

If I was your parents I'd be building a large golden fountain in my front garden that blew perfumed bubbles before giving it to you.

Bellaunion · 22/03/2026 12:19

LanaDelBoi · 22/03/2026 11:25

OP, I 💯 percent agree with you. You’re not being a money grabber at all. The baby boomer generation have no idea what it’s like for the generations that came after them.

Their generation were able to just walk into a job at 16 and progress in their careers over time. They were able to buy a house after only saving for a year and a house cost the same as about a year’s salary.

Fast forward to my generation, the millennials, we had to work much harder in our careers, save more and for longer and buy a much smaller property in a much worse area. I can’t imagine what it will be like for my DS who is in Generation Alpha.

When I am able to get on the property ladder, I will work hard to pay it off and then will downsize to something super cheap like a park home or a 1 bed flat abroad and give him 75% of the equity. I cannot imagine living in needless luxury while my own flesh and blood is struggling in life. How can I possibly be happy if I keep all the money for myself? But then again, I come from a group-based culture rather than an individualist one.

I think I'd absolutely failed at parenting, if my children were happy to take all my money off me while I sat in a freezing cold damp caravan.

You're not suddenly a better parent by absolutey sacrificing everything for your children. It's not an all or nothing situation. You can still help children out in some ways financially IF you can afford it while also teaching them to stand on two feet. There's a massive difference between living in abject poverty (which the OP clearly isn't) and things been a bit stretched with young children and mortgages and having to cut your cloth according and have a few years while you cut back to afford bills.

We do the next generation no favours of if they're allowed to believe that any sort of hardship is traumatic and to not take responsibility for the choices we make in life I.e having kids.

Pussert · 22/03/2026 12:20

It really surprises me the extent that lots of adults on MN expect their parents to continue helping them financially. Do most people pay their own way or is it normal to have financial help into adulthood? (I’m asking genuinely!)

Daysgo · 22/03/2026 12:24

You sound so greedy op. They've already given you half your deposit to enable you to buy your home, and now you're jealous that they are enjoying their retirement. Really you have an awful attitude towards parents who have clearly given you way more help than many get.

I wonder if they realise how you are regarding them? I'd imagine they do as that level of greed and entitlement is hard to hide.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:25

Pussert · 22/03/2026 12:20

It really surprises me the extent that lots of adults on MN expect their parents to continue helping them financially. Do most people pay their own way or is it normal to have financial help into adulthood? (I’m asking genuinely!)

I think it depends on their peer group, so many parents help now and it has really soured relationships unfortunately. Those who have seen others benefit from generational wealth, or maybe just more than they have had. So the expectation is there as they see others receive vast amounts of help (Relates to childcare too not just money)

LilyBunch25 · 22/03/2026 12:28

canuckup · 22/03/2026 12:16

I have to say that I am utterly shocked by the attitude of some people in here

Your child is struggling, and therefore the grandchildren are too - but you think it's fine to spend another 100k on buying a bigger house? For two people??

Crikey

Their child (the OP) is not struggling as far as we know in the sense that some people, like me, understand the term. As someone who's parents never had the means to support me with anything in adulthood, "struggling" to me is not being able to afford any roof over my head, eat, or stay warm, all of which I have always had to provide for myself. What shocks me is the entitlement of those lucky enough to have their parents still (mine are both dead) and begrudge them doing that they want with THEIR money, despite the fact this OP had their house deposit paid by those "mean" parents. The OP and her partner chose the house they chose, and to have children. Good on them. Why is it now up to their parents to continue prop them up? Some people literally don't know what actually struggling means.

CocoaTea · 22/03/2026 12:32

Bellaunion · 22/03/2026 12:19

I think I'd absolutely failed at parenting, if my children were happy to take all my money off me while I sat in a freezing cold damp caravan.

You're not suddenly a better parent by absolutey sacrificing everything for your children. It's not an all or nothing situation. You can still help children out in some ways financially IF you can afford it while also teaching them to stand on two feet. There's a massive difference between living in abject poverty (which the OP clearly isn't) and things been a bit stretched with young children and mortgages and having to cut your cloth according and have a few years while you cut back to afford bills.

We do the next generation no favours of if they're allowed to believe that any sort of hardship is traumatic and to not take responsibility for the choices we make in life I.e having kids.

Edited

THANK YOU!!!!

And just to add - now I am
older my “boomer” parents talk much more freely about the sacrifices they had to make in order to build up to where they have got to now.

There is NO generation that I know of that did not at various times have to scrimp, save, budget, cut their cloth, forgo luxuries etc - it’s part of adulthood and it is character building. Even in a marriage - I feel like joint goals, working towards something, saving towards something - I think this also strengthens relationships.

Envying someone else’s money and their choices with the money that they earned is a real character defect in my view. Especially if you have already been helped to the tune of £30k!

Labelledelune · 22/03/2026 12:35

I can’t believe what I’ve just read.

BudgetBuster · 22/03/2026 12:35

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:12

This make sense, what would you think if they wanted to upsize?

I wouldn't care if they have the funds.
I don't feel entitled to their money. In fact, I'd much rather them spend their own money on themselves. I have a mortgage and will not have it paid off for another 20+ years, I'll also have 3 kids to potentially help through college etc. None of that is my parents to fund. But they will hopefully have a long life left and should enjoy their own money.

BudgetBuster · 22/03/2026 12:37

canuckup · 22/03/2026 12:16

I have to say that I am utterly shocked by the attitude of some people in here

Your child is struggling, and therefore the grandchildren are too - but you think it's fine to spend another 100k on buying a bigger house? For two people??

Crikey

But how is the OP struggling? Saying she will struggle to pay off the mortgage for a long time is perfectly normal. I would think the vast majority of people nowadays don't actually pay off their mortgage until close to retirement age.

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:41

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:45

All these older people in massive houses, I just don't get it. But then I wouldn't want to be tied down to all that cleaning and maintenance.

Well, we’ve got to spend your inheritance on SOMETHING…

seriously! How does someone get off on telling people in their 60s that they’re not allowed to live somewhere nice; Where they want to live for what could be another 20-30 years!

Clareat2021 · 22/03/2026 12:41

I think it's probably part of a wider sense that the boomer generation got many privileges and are further ahead in life in terms of financial stability, housing, access to education in particular, that grates. The subsequent generations are financially worse off and boomers flashing their wealth gained from privileges no longer available is frustrating. But, not much you can do, except let it go so you don't become bitter.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:43

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:41

Well, we’ve got to spend your inheritance on SOMETHING…

seriously! How does someone get off on telling people in their 60s that they’re not allowed to live somewhere nice; Where they want to live for what could be another 20-30 years!

I didn't say they were not allowed. I said I don't get it.😎

Emeraldforest · 22/03/2026 12:46

I'd want to help more if I had that kind of money, but I see the other side too. I can't imagine that kind of wealth, as someone widowed young and bringing up a family on part time wages and tax credits. If I was better off I would love to help them more than I do.
You never know what's round the corner though and I expect the parents have worked hard for it.

ohdelay · 22/03/2026 12:46

OP, this is pure greed and entitlement, especially after hearing they gave you a 30k deposit. How small do you want them to make their lives so you can benefit from their labour? It reads like you want them to experience/consume as little as possible so they can give you more. They are still people with their own wants and desires, and this may shock you, but they don't think of you every second of the day and centre you in their lives. You're a grown up now and its nice to get unearned wealth and say thank you when you receive gifts, but no one owes you anything.
Is your husband similar in his thinking? Is he also waiting for his parents to give him something? I'm genuinely shocked as they're only in their 60s, just getting to the good bit of not needing to work and you're already cataloging an inheritance and judging them on how they spend their money. Do you look at other people's plates when you go out eating and ask for bites?

hypnovic · 22/03/2026 12:48

Yes they should definitely have worked their whole lives to provide for you and now they should definitely reduce thier life pleasure to continue to provide for you ....😬

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:49

I love my house, love the position and the outlook. Is it expensive to maintain? Yes. But we’ve allowed for that.

we’ve now built ourselves a life in this area with friends and amenities that we’d never want to leave. I’m partial to a bit of property porn, but the amount of stamp duty we’d have to pay to move in this area to another place near enough to still attend our gym and social life etc is just daft.

but if I did want to move for some reason, it would not cross my mind to think about my OH kids or even my kids inheritance, that’s not a priority for me, they’ll get what they’re entitled to when we’re gone. We’re living our lives for us. I know for a fact that my son wouldn’t want anything different. He wants to make his own success, and he’s motivated to do that. Hed trade everything he’s due to inherit to keep me here on earth forever, but I’m happy that I can eventually leave him what I have, and know that he’ll never have to worry again in future.

Paganpentacle · 22/03/2026 12:49

Did your parents get huge hand-outs?

CautiousLurker2 · 22/03/2026 12:50

Can see this from both sides. DH and I got ourselves on the property ladder independently in our 20s. We both bought shoe box flats, got bank loans for the deposits, were lucky as it was the 90s so bought after the house price disaster that saw friends cohabiting with ex spouses because they were sitting with 50k negative equity. OP’s parents are in that generation, I think, being older than me/DH and so may have taken a hit in that economic event.

I guess we were ‘lucky’ in that we bought after that, but I do remember the first year in dh’s first flat sleeping on an inflatable bed with an old telly from uni resting on an upturned bucket. Living on baked beans etc. we didn’t have holidays - my first holiday ever was in my 20s to see friends in the US. Annual holidays were years away. I didn’t have my first car, or even the spare cash to learn to drive, until my early forties. I think OP may be looking at her parent’s situation and the idea of ‘luck’ through green-tinted lenses. It was not easy. Interest rates were high; the early 90’s saw a graduate unemployment at a high not unlike today’s; a starting salary was £12k and my first flat was £75k so more than 5x my salary; renting exorbitant (which was why we decided to buy in the end as we resent half our income going to pay off someone else’s capital asset).

I am not saying things are not tough now, and my DH and I HAVE financially planned to get our kids onto the property ladder by down sizing when DH retires, in recognition of that - but we are very comfortably off due to DH’s professional job. Our children are lucky and, in fact, my kids will also benefit by receiving some money from their grandparents when they pass - hopefully not for at least another 10 years. Whilst their generation has it harder - student loans, poorer job prospects, higher property prices, comparatively lower salaries - they are the generation that may benefit from both home-owning grandparents and parents in the long-term.

As others say, it swings in roundabouts. OP is lucky her parents aren’t like the ones you read about on MN (and in the Telegraph) who did downsize, move 4-5 hours away so were unavailable to help with grandchildren, blew the equity release on cruises and travel in retirement, and then came back crying because they have no support from their children. OP’s parents are investing in a capital asset that - health/old age care cost permitting - may mean a bigger inheritance in due course.

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:51

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:43

I didn't say they were not allowed. I said I don't get it.😎

🤣 Cos our money is ours, and we’re not dead yet.

@100157ab had £30k already.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:54

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:51

🤣 Cos our money is ours, and we’re not dead yet.

@100157ab had £30k already.

Ok then, still doesn't answer my query. Why don't you just say because I get my joy from showing off 😎rather than doing fun things or travel. I mean sure it's your money, but I think there are better ways to spend it. Just saying😆

igelkott2026 · 22/03/2026 12:55

A few comments from me:

Why do 2 people need a bigger house? It would be better for 4-5 person family to have a bigger house. They are hogging a house they don't need already and are now going to hog an even bigger one.

It's better to have stairs, contrary to popular opinion - it keeps you fitter for longer. It's wise to have a downstairs shower/loo for when you can't make it upstairs so easily anymore, though.

And yes I think it's better to give your children some money when they need it and not make them wait until you've died (which might also be after a load of the money has been swallowed up in care fees but might also be too late for your children to really make the most of it, although they may then pass it onto their children) and 60 is young enough to do it and not be accused of deprivation of assets.

igelkott2026 · 22/03/2026 12:57

WildLeader · 22/03/2026 12:41

Well, we’ve got to spend your inheritance on SOMETHING…

seriously! How does someone get off on telling people in their 60s that they’re not allowed to live somewhere nice; Where they want to live for what could be another 20-30 years!

Given that they already have a four bedroom house for two people, they already live somewhere nice (and bigger than they need now). We have a housing distribution crisis in the UK, not helped by people having bigger houses than they need so that they can show off.

pensterino · 22/03/2026 13:01

I don't think you're unreasonable to be upset but I do think you absolutely have to swallow it and keep it to yourself. As others have said, your parents have an absolute right to spend their money on themselves, and you have no legal, moral, or ethical right to any of it.

However, I have been in a similar situation to your parents and as a result my children have over £200k of capital that could have been bolstering my income but isn't - to the extent that I am also working full time well past retirement age. However I am well aware that accommodation is far more expensive relatively speaking than it was when I was their age, and I would rather support them to have a halfway acceptable standard of living than have lots of holidays.

That is my choice for me and my kids though. Do your parents actually know just how difficult your finances have become? Maybe they think you're doing okay?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread