Page 22 | Parents upsizing - AIBU

100157ab · 2026-03-21T21:24:57+00:00

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k). I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

EvieBB · 22/03/2026 11:37

pinotnow · 22/03/2026 11:12

I don't think you're being UR to feel a bit miffed and disappointed but also 60s is quite young and they will still have things they want to do which is their right.

My parents never gave me any large sums of money - no house deposit, no car, no wedding and I went to uni in my early 20s rather than straight from A levels and had to lie that we were estranged to receive any funding as they weren't willing to support me through it, though they were set to when I was originally applying when doing my A levels. Obviously this was before fees etc were introduced. I'm struck therefore by all the posters saying the OP is being UR but who then go on to say they provided all of the above for their dc. Not all parents do but OP did receive a deposit.

My parents upsized to a four bedroomed house when my dgm died around 20 years ago. At that point both also took early retirement. It was at this point I was buying my first home and starting a family and I was not given anything even though they had obviously inherited a lot (no idea how much). Ex and I were given £60k by his mum which had been saved for that purpose. My parents don't maintain houses well and this large house is dirty and full of junk. My dad died recently and I do hope mum may downsize. The thought of being left the house and having to sort it all out on her death is extremely daunting - I'm an only child and I live 3 hours away. She has told me I'm the sole beneficiary so it is only at this point, assuming she doesn't go into care, that I will receive any money. This all sounds cold but it's just the facts.

If, as is quite likely, I inherit when I am late 50s/early 60s I have no idea how I will feel about the money (assuming it is a decent amount) and whether I will want to share it with my dc then. I have been a very different parent from the ones my parents were and am supporting my dc through university and have been the only one supporting them throughout childhood (ex is a low earner and has 0 liability to pay according to CMS and provides nothing). I can't imagine hoarding it all if my dc are struggling but I don't know if I would consider having a mortgage as struggling. I would honestly like a break from being fully responsible for everyone and I'd hope my dc would respect that and would be hurt if they didn't. I also wouldn't do what my parents did though and provide nothing once dc hit adulthood, not if I'm in a position to help.

I think it depends on specific circumstances people in their 60s are entitled to enjoy life but I wouldn't get much enjoyment if I thought my dc were struggling and feeling unsupported.

Exactly this - especially last paragraph x

Wickedlittledancer · 22/03/2026 11:39

ThatLemonBear · 22/03/2026 11:31

You’ve had 30k from them already, but still want more? What an unpleasant, grabby attitude

It’s just horrible isn’t it. She’s so money obsessed, instead of looking at her parents new home and feeling happy for them, she’s thinking they could have given that to me and jealousy.

i don’t know what’s happened in the ops life to make her be that person, im assuming it was a terrible childhood, and there is a back story here.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/03/2026 11:42

It’s also possible that their parents have another 25-30 years of life so let them enjoy it

Scotiasdarling · 22/03/2026 11:44

TealHare · 22/03/2026 09:13

It's not grabby, it's about your parents lack of thought or care. I personally couldn't do that to my kids. But I think the boomers overall were very selfish and most don't have good relationships with their kids. It will effect your relationship with them inevitably. Just future proof yourself from being available for care later on. Why should you care for those who don't care for you.

Unbelievable. It is not having a lack of thought of care to expect your children to support themselves. What kind of hopeless simpleton expects their parents still to be keeping them when they are in their 30's an have their own children?

So called 'boomers' are by no means all selfish. They paid their own mortgage in their 30's and oddly believe that their children might do the same. EVERYONE is better off once they have no mortgage!

I have to say that I think it is a mistake to give house deposits. As in this case, it seems to encourage dependency which is very unattractive.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:45

All these older people in massive houses, I just don't get it. But then I wouldn't want to be tied down to all that cleaning and maintenance.

loislovesstewie · 22/03/2026 11:47

But we don't know what the actual 'struggling' is, do we? To me people are struggling if they can't pay for essentials, if they can't put sufficient food on the table. I've met those people in my work. Another person might feel they are struggling if they can't have an annual holiday. It seems that many on here think that a parent gifting what seems to me a huge deposit is just chicken feed.

hahahaaa · 22/03/2026 11:48

Jealousy is such a horrible emotion. I see so much of it on mn

Hallamule · 22/03/2026 11:50

If "struggling " means that there never seems to be quite enough money to do everything you want to do and never enough time in the day so you always feel thinly stretched, well thats just life with children isnt it?

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:51

Scotiasdarling · 22/03/2026 11:44

Unbelievable. It is not having a lack of thought of care to expect your children to support themselves. What kind of hopeless simpleton expects their parents still to be keeping them when they are in their 30's an have their own children?

So called 'boomers' are by no means all selfish. They paid their own mortgage in their 30's and oddly believe that their children might do the same. EVERYONE is better off once they have no mortgage!

I have to say that I think it is a mistake to give house deposits. As in this case, it seems to encourage dependency which is very unattractive.

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I think it is awful , but it has become that way. An inheritocracy not a meritocracy. I am angry that we are not able to make way ourselves and depend on parents.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/03/2026 11:57

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:45

All these older people in massive houses, I just don't get it. But then I wouldn't want to be tied down to all that cleaning and maintenance.

You don’t get why someone might like to reap the rewards of their lifestyles by having the house they want?

Perhaps those of us over 50 should live in a shed and send all our money to those younger than us 🤣

FWIW I was never able to afford a mortgage either as I’m single. My parents did but they struggled, worked long hours, no holidays (they hadn’t been in a position to go to uni as only rich people really did then).

I didn’t go to uni, went straight to work after a year at technical college etc. It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that they were financially comfortable and they deserve every penny.

LIghtbylantern · 22/03/2026 11:58

LanaDelBoi · 22/03/2026 11:25

OP, I 💯 percent agree with you. You’re not being a money grabber at all. The baby boomer generation have no idea what it’s like for the generations that came after them.

Their generation were able to just walk into a job at 16 and progress in their careers over time. They were able to buy a house after only saving for a year and a house cost the same as about a year’s salary.

Fast forward to my generation, the millennials, we had to work much harder in our careers, save more and for longer and buy a much smaller property in a much worse area. I can’t imagine what it will be like for my DS who is in Generation Alpha.

When I am able to get on the property ladder, I will work hard to pay it off and then will downsize to something super cheap like a park home or a 1 bed flat abroad and give him 75% of the equity. I cannot imagine living in needless luxury while my own flesh and blood is struggling in life. How can I possibly be happy if I keep all the money for myself? But then again, I come from a group-based culture rather than an individualist one.

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I’d have no respect for my kids if they thought we should give up everything to fund their lifestyle.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/03/2026 11:58

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:51

I think it is awful , but it has become that way. An inheritocracy not a meritocracy. I am angry that we are not able to make way ourselves and depend on parents.

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There is no such thing as a meritocracy in practice. There will also be people who deserve to get further in life but don’t.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:01

LIghtbylantern · 22/03/2026 11:58

I’d have no respect for my kids if they thought we should give up everything to fund their lifestyle.

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But that's not what the op is saying. Why when someone wants some help from their parents they automatically jump to saying they expect their parents to be living in a shed. It's boomers flouncing. "Why shouldn't i live in 6 bed house, what do you want me to starve?!!" Flounce 😂

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:03

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/03/2026 11:58

There is no such thing as a meritocracy in practice. There will also be people who deserve to get further in life but don’t.

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Maybe, but we are definitely going in the wrong direction, a more equal and fair society is a happier one

LIghtbylantern · 22/03/2026 12:04

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:01

But that's not what the op is saying. Why when someone wants some help from their parents they automatically jump to saying they expect their parents to be living in a shed. It's boomers flouncing. "Why shouldn't i live in 6 bed house, what do you want me to starve?!!" Flounce 😂

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I wasn’t responding to the OP. 🙄

poetryandwine · 22/03/2026 12:05

LanaDelBoi · 22/03/2026 11:25

OP, I 💯 percent agree with you. You’re not being a money grabber at all. The baby boomer generation have no idea what it’s like for the generations that came after them.

Their generation were able to just walk into a job at 16 and progress in their careers over time. They were able to buy a house after only saving for a year and a house cost the same as about a year’s salary.

Fast forward to my generation, the millennials, we had to work much harder in our careers, save more and for longer and buy a much smaller property in a much worse area. I can’t imagine what it will be like for my DS who is in Generation Alpha.

When I am able to get on the property ladder, I will work hard to pay it off and then will downsize to something super cheap like a park home or a 1 bed flat abroad and give him 75% of the equity. I cannot imagine living in needless luxury while my own flesh and blood is struggling in life. How can I possibly be happy if I keep all the money for myself? But then again, I come from a group-based culture rather than an individualist one.

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Some useful facts:

69% of Baby Boomers vs 62% of British Millennials (born 1981- 1996, so all the data are not in, the % will increase) own their homes by age 40.

In 1970 the average house cost 3.5x a man’s annual wage, not a year’s wage as you claimed. Few households had two wage earners and women only made 50% of what men did.

All sums were low. With men on £28/wk and women on £14/wk (if working), families were not saving the typical down payment of over £500 in a year, again as you claimed.

Inflation was very high throughout the 1970s. Unemployment was at times, too. Both much higher than now, or recently.

Every generation thinks it has uniquely difficult circumstances. Almost every generation is wrong. The Great War and the Russian Revolution, followed by the Great Depression, followed by WWII, was a particularly challenging 30 years.
We are all lucky by comparison.

I hope you will get onto the property ladder and I hope you will use your investment to give yourself a decent old age as a top priority.

loislovesstewie · 22/03/2026 12:05

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:51

I think it is awful , but it has become that way. An inheritocracy not a meritocracy. I am angry that we are not able to make way ourselves and depend on parents.

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We have never had a meritocracy. For generations we have had people who have inherited wealth running the country. People who could send their children to fee paying schools, people who had or knew others who had the right connections to advance children in their careers. We had a class system which was quite rigid. That it might not quite so rigid is an improvement, but we are by no means a meritocracy.

BIossomtoes · 22/03/2026 12:06

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:01

But that's not what the op is saying. Why when someone wants some help from their parents they automatically jump to saying they expect their parents to be living in a shed. It's boomers flouncing. "Why shouldn't i live in 6 bed house, what do you want me to starve?!!" Flounce 😂

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She’s already had £30k help. If anyone’s flouncing it’s her.

Joystir59 · 22/03/2026 12:07

I inherited 8k when my dad died, 10 years after my mum died. I felt deeply grateful. I was thirty years old and hadn't received or expected anything from him from the age of 18.

LIghtbylantern · 22/03/2026 12:07

TealHare · 22/03/2026 11:45

All these older people in massive houses, I just don't get it. But then I wouldn't want to be tied down to all that cleaning and maintenance.

You don’t have to get it - not your choice, if people have the money they can buy whatever house they want.😁

BudgetBuster · 22/03/2026 12:12

loriat · 22/03/2026 11:33

I am 60, my husband is in his 70s with various health issues. We are downsizing from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom bungalow as it will be easier to live in as we age. However, despite being a fair bit smaller than our house, it isn’t actually costing much less, as bungalows tend to come at a premium. Once we have paid stamp duty, solicitors fees and other moving costs, there will be little left for our children.

Yes. My parents, in their 60s and recently both retired, live in a 4bed house. They looked to downsize but with the additional costs and some work needed on the smaller homes, it just didn't free up any equity for them realistically.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:12

LIghtbylantern · 22/03/2026 12:07

You don’t have to get it - not your choice, if people have the money they can buy whatever house they want.😁

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True , they can. I guess I don't get it, but when I look at some people it is a status thing. I know of several people who have done this. One a couple of childless millennials, so I am not questioning just older folk. They all do nothing but sit in their houses and are all miserable, I try not to see them. Yes I have a larger home, but I have children, we use every room. I hate cleaning it, can't wait to down size.

TealHare · 22/03/2026 12:12

BudgetBuster · 22/03/2026 12:12

Yes. My parents, in their 60s and recently both retired, live in a 4bed house. They looked to downsize but with the additional costs and some work needed on the smaller homes, it just didn't free up any equity for them realistically.

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This make sense, what would you think if they wanted to upsize?

Random321 · 22/03/2026 12:13

plsdontlookatme · 22/03/2026 10:48

If you look at the household income required to buy a house in certain areas of the country, even outside London, it can be six figures. It's entirely plausible that two sensible professionals might not jointly earn this much.

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Agree with that and it's why people have to cut their cloth accordingly rather than rely on the bank of mum & dad!

Most people don't get to live in their preferred house, in the best areas.

Nobody is entitled to everything they want (including other people's money!)

user7538796538 · 22/03/2026 12:13

My friends parents sold their 1M house, (we are in the south so not a mansion) and are busy spending it all on several months long holidays a year. At least if it’s in bricks and mortar it’ll stop ‘em frittering it away on enjoying themselves OP and you’ll still have some inheritance left in 20yrs time! 😂

Seriously though, I would want to help my kids. I think they’ll have it much harder than DH and I did. We are 50ish. Our first house together in the late 1990’s was 65k for a 3 bed semi in a lovely chocolate box village. That wouldn’t buy our 20 something kids 1/4 of a grotty flat in the worst part of our local grotty town.