Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

I don't think you're being UR to feel a bit miffed and disappointed but also 60s is quite young and they will still have things they want to do which is their right.

My parents never gave me any large sums of money - no house deposit, no car, no wedding and I went to uni in my early 20s rather than straight from A levels and had to lie that we were estranged to receive any funding as they weren't willing to support me through it, though they were set to when I was originally applying when doing my A levels. Obviously this was before fees etc were introduced. I'm struck therefore by all the posters saying the OP is being UR but who then go on to say they provided all of the above for their dc. Not all parents do but OP did receive a deposit.

My parents upsized to a four bedroomed house when my dgm died around 20 years ago. At that point both also took early retirement. It was at this point I was buying my first home and starting a family and I was not given anything even though they had obviously inherited a lot (no idea how much). Ex and I were given £60k by his mum which had been saved for that purpose. My parents don't maintain houses well and this large house is dirty and full of junk. My dad died recently and I do hope mum may downsize. The thought of being left the house and having to sort it all out on her death is extremely daunting - I'm an only child and I live 3 hours away. She has told me I'm the sole beneficiary so it is only at this point, assuming she doesn't go into care, that I will receive any money. This all sounds cold but it's just the facts.

If, as is quite likely, I inherit when I am late 50s/early 60s I have no idea how I will feel about the money (assuming it is a decent amount) and whether I will want to share it with my dc then. I have been a very different parent from the ones my parents were and am supporting my dc through university and have been the only one supporting them throughout childhood (ex is a low earner and has 0 liability to pay according to CMS and provides nothing). I can't imagine hoarding it all if my dc are struggling but I don't know if I would consider having a mortgage as struggling. I would honestly like a break from being fully responsible for everyone and I'd hope my dc would respect that and would be hurt if they didn't. I also wouldn't do what my parents did though and provide nothing once dc hit adulthood, not if I'm in a position to help.

I think it depends on specific circumstances people in their 60s are entitled to enjoy life but I wouldn't get much enjoyment if I thought my dc were struggling and feeling unsupported.

Aside from the fact that wanting money from your parents is crass, I’ve never felt old in RL or on a MN thread but at not yet 50 this thread is making me feel written off 😮

The idea that men and women in their 50s or 60s are some how past it and should be sat in a 2 bed semi waiting to die is mind boggling.

The 50-70 year old I know are running corporations, completing iron men, designing houses, hiking mountains and chartering boats. They’re moving to Thailand for a year, volunteering in Uganda and re qualifying in the jobs they’ve dreamed of but couldn’t afford because they were raising kids.

It’s extraordinary to think that people with young families feel they should be falling on their swords and withering away quietly so that they can have bigger houses

Your expectation is ridiculous! There’s a misnomer that buying a bigger or better house is just spending money. It isn’t. It’s investing money. The money will be available (by selling the house) when the OP’s parents need it for aged care. It will likely have increased in value by then as that’s very possibly 20 years away. It would be insanely dangerous to give away money that you may very well need in 20 years dow the line. We read endlessly about saving up for retirement. The OP’s parents likely haven’t even reached retirement and the should give it away!

I doubt very much there the OP would happily sell her home to return the money should it be needed down the line for aged care. It is essential that they put protections in place to protect a decent quality of life when they’re older.

If you were in dire need then perhaps they should loan you money and delay their plans but this is all about want. Why should their quality of life go down so that you can spend the extra money on treats and holidays (which is likely where the money will go when the repayments from the mortgage are reduced).

They’re only 60s. They have decades of life left to enjoy. It’s very selfish to expect them to to not enjoy themselves air her you can enjoy yourself that bit more. They likely haven’t even finished work. Give them a chance to enjoy some part of life before you want to benefit from it.

i wonder if, in 15 years, when you’re finished paying your mortgage, you would be happy to downsize to give money to your children? Just after you’ve finished paying it off and before you get to enjoy it? Probably not. What you’re asking isn’t much different.

I actually despises the idea of my parents (in their 60s also) not spending their money on what they want! They looked after me and my siblings in our youth, they helped us throughout the years if they had extra (giving us a little of their own inheritance etc).

I would much rather know that they spent their money on themselves and what they wanted (whether I thought it was frivolous or not) than gave it to me / my siblings.

I have a mortgage... my brother will never be able to afford one. That isn't my parents problem.

So, your parents have already gifted you a deposit for your current house and your mortgage is large.
Have you overstretched yourselves trying to buy a house bigger or nicer than you need?
If you have, then you are being even more unreasonable to expect your parents not to move somewhere nicer and give you more money.

I think to expect so much help from your parents is not appropriate.

I agree - spending £200 a month on mobile phone and TV contracts is a lifestyle choice not a necessity. I spend £11 a month on my mobile phone contract and have unlimited calls with that; my husband pays less than me. We watch TV on freeview - why is aTV subscription package necessary?. My generation must have been incredibly deprived because we only had two TV black and white TV channels when I was very young. I can still remember the excitement when BBC2 first launched, and we didn’t get another channel until Channel 4 in the 1980s. Similarly, gym contracts are a lifestyle choice, as is takeaway coffee and meal deals for lunch. When we were struggling with 16% mortgsge interest repayments, we used the office kettle for drinks, and took sandwiches and thermos flasks to work. My friend’s daughter bought her flat in south London in her early 30s a couple of years ago. She made the decision that it was more important to her to buy her own property than to have an exciting social life, exotic holidays, have a gym contract, buy clothes, eat out regularly etc. it is difficult for her to manage on her own, but it’s a question of choice.

No. UK home ownership was between 30 and 40% nationally by 1960. That does not represent 'universal'

But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress.

Not their fault your mortgage is too big for your salary!

I think YABU, but probably only because of your role in this; it’s unpleasant to want your parents £.

However I have a cousin with young children who is genuinely struggling; her and DH are well educated with important jobs, but low salaried. Lives in a house which cost 250k (small deposit) struggle month to month and nothing left for hols. They have never been away as a family. Grew up in trauma but you wouldn’t know it; has made a happy family, just without any money which she is open about. Her sister is affluent; not sure how much but her insta is filled with holidays all over the world several times a year and she has no kids, so she must be comfortable. In other words, my aunt just has one child who’s in need. Cousin’s mum at 60, upgraded her home and bought a house for 900k - it’s one of the most expensive in our area so not at all necessary. I have to say that I was a bit surprised aunt didn’t try and spread the wealth downwards, especially as they are very close and the aunt had no mortgage from the age of 30 due to unexpected inheritance. And this scenario seems very similar to yours.

I have a pension that results in a lump sum and will be passing it straight to the children as it will come when I’m 59. I could spank it on a cruise for a year, or set them up with a deposit for their first home. Seems an absolute no brainer to me.

You can never rely on inheritance, could go on care home fees.

OP, I 💯 percent agree with you. You’re not being a money grabber at all. The baby boomer generation have no idea what it’s like for the generations that came after them.

Their generation were able to just walk into a job at 16 and progress in their careers over time. They were able to buy a house after only saving for a year and a house cost the same as about a year’s salary.

Fast forward to my generation, the millennials, we had to work much harder in our careers, save more and for longer and buy a much smaller property in a much worse area. I can’t imagine what it will be like for my DS who is in Generation Alpha.

When I am able to get on the property ladder, I will work hard to pay it off and then will downsize to something super cheap like a park home or a 1 bed flat abroad and give him 75% of the equity. I cannot imagine living in needless luxury while my own flesh and blood is struggling in life. How can I possibly be happy if I keep all the money for myself? But then again, I come from a group-based culture rather than an individualist one.

It does if you’re looking exclusively at the middle class, ie what I said.

I think in their 60s I would not be so concerned about the size of the house but how will they afford it? Can you get a mortgage if you’re retired and have no income stream? How will they pay the stamp duty?

We are facing a similar problem but twenty years on from you, parents in their mid-80s with multiple health problems. They are considering moving but they refuse to downsize or consider somewhere more suitable to live (this would involve getting rid of some of the possessions that fill their 4 bed, 3 reception house with a double garage). The issues are psychological rather than financial - you just have to let it go, it’s their life to live, however inexplicable you find their decisions.

But focusing on the one demographic group you happen to belong to doesn't give a true picture for everyone else does it?

And every time parents subsidise house purchases they drive prices up. If momey wasn't passed down the generations house prices would deflate to the point that they cod be afforded on 2 salaries.

I didn’t say it did. 🤷‍♀️

Increasingly seeing posts like this. Adult kids feeling entitled to their parent's financial resources.

My family are working class - builders, factory workers, shop assistants etc

Of my and DH DGP - only one couple my parternal grandparents owned and they worked three jobs - two full time and one p/t in evening on top.

Our parents generation marrying and having kids in 70s and 80s (born late 40 and early 50s) all bar one who stayed with parents whole life - owned their houses they are now in their 60s and 70s.

My siblings live in HA housing as area expensive and their life choices have led there - but cousins mine and DH and us are paying down mortages so will eventually own outright though in cheaper parts of the country.

I do agree with that poster when my family do buy houses it's from savings over years - over a decade for us - no one been given/gifted house deposits which seems to be an expecation in many more middle class sections of society.

You’ve had 30k from them already, but still want more? What an unpleasant, grabby attitude

The OPs parents can hardly be accused of hoarding wealth. They've already gifted her a 30k deposit and we don't know what other help they've given her. They can hardly be accused of being grabby.

What the OP is quite clear is that she feels that 100k should be given to her for her own children's house deposit and to improve her own lifestyle. Despite the fact the OP also has a brother, she doesn't think he should be entitled to any extra money. She's chosen to have children yet somehow thinks her own parents should now be financially supporting them. It just reeks of entitlement. 100k is a massive amount, I would never think I would be entitled to the entire amount of whatever my made on my parents house.

And all generations have had their struggles. Certainly not all boomers have had it easy. My parents had no family money, no family support or free childcare hours. Our cars were bought at auctions, family Holidays in a tent. It certainly wasn't the land of milk and honey that some posters seem to assume all boomers had.

This

I am 60, my husband is in his 70s with various health issues. We are downsizing from a 4 bedroom house to a 2 bedroom bungalow as it will be easier to live in as we age. However, despite being a fair bit smaller than our house, it isn’t actually costing much less, as bungalows tend to come at a premium. Once we have paid stamp duty, solicitors fees and other moving costs, there will be little left for our children.

OP has already been given £30k towards a deposit.

She’s complaining that she won’t be able to pay of her mortgage for many years - nor will most people! What does she want, to be mortgage free in her 30s with young children?!

As for the £100k - well OP has a sibling and accepts that if there is any handout on offer it should be split equally (even though we are told the sibling has married someone terribly wealthy….). The £100k is imaginary. She’d get £50k at most which one assumes would not pay off her mortgage.

So in the world OP envisages, she gets to be a bit better off and keep up with her sibling’s better lifestyle, while her sibling gets money that they presumably don’t need, and her parents don’t get their dream house. YABU an very greedy.

It's embarrassing. I'd feel completely ashamed of myself if I felt that I could dictate what my retired parents did with their life or that I was entitled to the entire profit they made on their house.

The OP isn't even talking about a few thousand to help her out. Just that the entire 100k her parents have spare should be transferred to her. Never mind she also has a brother as well.