Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Just a thought. Are your parents buying a bungalow because there is little difference in cost between a three bed bungalow and a five bed house. Lateral living is expensive as is adapted accommodation.
It might be prudent as their daughter to check that their new house could take a lift or have enough space for a bedroom downstairs.
We are 60/62 and bought a five bed three years ago. We're now having to sell due to unexpected illness and disability. Preparing for old age would be wise and it's easier if you have money.

OP has already stated that her parents helped them with a deposit for their house……don’t think she said how much.
its her parents money to spend how they wish….thats not hoarding. At what stage should 60+ aged parents let their reasonably well off kids be financially independent and responsible for their own families….just as they probably spent their younger years.

Also the parents of boomers generally could never have afforded to buy their own homes (even without losing the main breadwinner to death or injury by war, worse health conditions etc etc. Home ownership by the masses is a relatively new concept

If you look at the household income required to buy a house in certain areas of the country, even outside London, it can be six figures. It's entirely plausible that two sensible professionals might not jointly earn this much.

Everyone of my generation didn't expect to purchase a house though. Many people of my age have never owned a property. There are many millions who could not afford to. Plenty of people have relied on social housing, or privately rented.

All my contemporaries’ parents owned their houses as did my parents and grandparents. We’re all boomers.

Most parents do FAR more for their children than "not neglect" them. I'm not on board with the modern UK belief that parents should do absolutely everything possible for their children, who should be the first consideration at all times, with the children having no moral responsibility whatever to do anything for their parents, ever, in any circumstances. It's made our society unhealthier.

How about we leave Fred and Sandra alone because the inflation was absolutely fuck all to do with them? Just like its fuck all to do with us as it happens now?

I'm in my late 40 - paid for my own wedding and saved hard for a house deposit - no bank of mum and dad for us. It's placed limites on where we could afford to live in UK which has impacted our careers. Personally not sure I will every retire - not sure we can afford it.

I'm fully aware it's gotten much harder - and it was bloody hard for us to buy and in the early years of house ownership - I'd have loved more family help so my career could be kept going like other got it wasn't on offer so we made our bed and lay in it. I've no idea how our kids will manage - and yes where we can we will help.

Our parents were born into very poor households - they had economic winds behind their generation but still had their own hard times.

The OP had help with house deposit and is now essentially moaning that they are spending her inheritance.

I'd be more worried about the house in question than the price - one needing no work near enough to public transport if they have to stop driving in 70s so they can get to hospital and GP appointment not relying on OP or sibling - space enough for a stair lift if needed or to have beds downstairs. Yes they are in their 60s but most of our family don't want to move when it becomes clear they may need to then suffer. They don't just need space they need to future proof.

But you already do feel differently?
Every time you buy yourself a coffee, a handbag, a lipstick that’s money you don’t need to spend and could save to make your kid’s life easier in the future. You want to enjoy your life as well as providing for your children.

Your parents also want to enjoy their lives, and provide for you. They provided for you in the years you were getting ready to support yourself, and will provide for you again when they die.

I hope my parents enjoyed their lives even though they didn’t leave much in the way to inherit. I’ll remember all my life that my father worked two jobs to make sure I had a good coat, good shoes, piano lessons etc. That my mother budgeted carefully and made us nutritious meals with the best quality food she could afford. I love that their retirement was softer and easier than their child-rearing years.

Oh my. I am in my mid-40s and even then questioning my wish to upsize. The children are all young adults. I do think about making sure we have some money saved to help them towards their deposits when time comes. If I knew that any of them expected me to help them financially to the detriment of my own plans to enhance my life - it would make me much less willing to help out!
My DH and I have spent decades raising our DCs and putting them first in every respect, including in what to spend money on. When do I get to spend on myself??

As much as wages versus house prices has become grossly inflated so life is generally less fair for younger people, I’m almost your parents age. That is exactly the age that we should all be the best off we will ever get, that can still be living very poorly for some obviously.

@Growlybear83 has written they had a mortgage payment that was 75% of their income. That’s the crux of the matter isn’t it. Twenty seven years ago so probably a similar time frame our mortgage was only 16% of our income.

Oh good, another ‘let’s blame the boomers for everything’ thread. Haven’t had one of those for a bit.

Do you serious believe we ‘let’ house inflation happen? I spent my 40 plus working years paying my bills and bringing up my children - I had little control over the global economy ( and this is a global issue driven by growing populations and rising standards of living).

My children are in their late 30s and they can remember us being hard up when they were children - camping holidays in the UK or staying at relatives’ houses, waiting until the grandparents visited to buy new school shoes because they would offer to pay, no satellite TV because we couldn’t afford it, babysitting provided by a babysitting circle because it was free but I had to give up my Friday and Saturday nights in return - we even had to remortgage to get some cash to pay everyday bills.

We are comfortable now but it has always been tough in those early years. We have helped our children out with time and money but we (andOP’s parents) are surely allowed to do what we want with out own money and enjoy the last years we have left after a lifetime of work.

Good for you. Most of my friends lived in council houses. Their parents didn't buy under the right to buy. Of the people I grew up with many of those didn't buy but also were housed in social housing. My brother has never owned a property, but lives in a council house, my much younger sister married a man who was left a property, a very nice large property, by his aunt.
The problem is that we often don't understand that our experience may not be typical. I'm clearly working class, from a very poor background, I don't know anyone who was gifted a huge sum for a deposit. It's just doesn't exist in my world.

I’m not just writing to you, but to all making the same point as you.

OP’s parents were starting out in the 1980s to 1990s.

Mortgage rates peaked at 15% in 1990. It was a big deal when rates came down to around 7% by 1997. Unemployment peaked at 10% in 1992 or 1993. Inflation hit 11% in the early 1990s.

Free nursery hours? Ha.

As PP wisely said, swings and roundabouts. People choose where to focus.

Also it is only prudent to plan for your care needs, as the social care crisis is bad and getting worse. Would OP have her parents finish their lives in squalid circumstances, if that could be avoided?

And 30 years ago wages were much lower, interest rates higher but monthly out goings were smaller. Some couples now are spending the best part of £200 a month on mobile phone contracts and tv subscription contracts. Also gym contracts that are easily the best part of £100 a month. A takeaway coffee on the way to work, a meal deal for lunch and another coffee, there is £10 a day each, £50 a week that's £400 a month per couple. Cut your cloth. Clothes costs 30 years ago were the same as today, in fact in some cases today they are cheaper. Clark's children's shoes were £30+ they are not much more now, nappies were £7 for 14 nappies now £7 would buy you a week's supply,. We had to live within our means and make sacrifices.

Council houses are very hen's teeth now, aren't they? So many were sold off through right to buy

So you earn more than your parents ever did, but happily took £30k for a house deposit, and think they should give you a further £100k.

Talk about money grabbing!

Everyone in my family has lived 100+ (actually one of my relatives died as the oldest person in their country!) so at 60 they're potentially just over halfway through their lives... Why shouldn't they enjoy that money? Will you pass all the inheritance you get off them straight to your kids? YABVU!

The things listed here are perceived luxuries - worth adding that grocery prices have rocketed (I can think of so many basic items whose price has doubled since 2019); fuel costs; energy is very expensive now. I'm the first to question people who insist that they need a £1k phone or a fancy car on finance but equally, when you know you will never, ever be able to retire, you have to try and keep yourself going somehow, and £8.99 a month on Amazon Prime doesn't seem that egregious

This is a fair comment.

Much better to demand that governments put some effort the social housing problem for all than to set generations, and socioeconomic classes, against each other.

But this likely means tax rises.

It’s not “good for me”. I just grew up in different circumstances than you. Middle class home ownership was almost universal from the 50s onwards.

This is rather different to a couple in their sixties feeling they want to upgrade from a 4 bed detached, though. No one is expecting the parents to live in poverty and never buy a coffee, etc.

If you're struggling to pay your mortgage with your two decent jobs how about you downsize to something smaller, maybe even relocate to an area that has cheaper property,how about that?

Do they KNOW you’re struggling financially?

I do think you are being unreasonable over all. Maybe the layout of the house is better for them long term

our house (converted barn) is going to be good as we age, the rooms upstairs aren’t important so if stairs ever became an issue, we’d not need to move. Our bedroom is on the ground floor, there are a couple of steps in the house which could be made easier to navigate if mobility became compromised.