Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

We are just about to do it and our DC are delighted for us, because they aren’t grabby and don’t feel entitled to our money. You’ve had a deposit contribution and you still want more? Unbelievable.

25 years ago, when they were in their 60’s my parents wanted to downsize to a 2 bed bungalow and ended up buying a 4 bed detached house at twice the price. I’d bought my first flat a few years previously so had 20years to go on my mortgage.
The thought never occurred to me or them that my parents (who had worked hard running two businesses throughout my childhood) would give anything from the profit of selling our family home to me, or pay off my mortgage. It was their hard earned money and they could and did what they liked with it. This in no way affected our relationship, I loved my parents, and was happy they had a comfortable retirement
My Dad still lives in that house-my mum died 5 years ago- and he loves it. He has dementia now and we did consider him moving in with us, but everything is so familiar there for him, he has lovely memories and great neighbours (and carers)
So in answer to your post, your parents have the right to do what they want with their money. I think the “bank of Mum and Dad” has become an expectation of late rather than a rarity (I worked in mortgages for years and nearly all ftb had parental help)
I am now the age my parents were when they bought their large detached 4 bed home. I often think of moving, scan rightmove now and then and am considering buying a place in Portugal. My son will inherit everything when I die and I will probably help him out along the way. But we are in our60’s, not near death, our lives aren’t over and we shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice our dreams, desires or money for our children. Unless we choose to of course…

Why do they need a special reason? They're adults with a lot of life to live, hopefully. Not obliged to explain their reasons IMO.

And again, people in their 80s and 90s leaving their estates to children in their 50s and 60s (another older group in which wealth is very heavily concentrated) will only make any difference to anything if all of those Gen X heirs immediately funnel that inheritance straight down to their adult children. Which seems unlikely.

Can you not lump all older people together? Many of us didn't 'allow' things to happen. We didn't vote for inflation, we knew there was a housing crisis, we knew the economy was being mismanaged, I've always worked in the public sector, in the housing department. I've dealt with homeless people who had nothing, literally nothing. My colleagues and I have done all sorts, above and beyond what was in our job description for people who were skint. We understand housing problems. But I can't get worked up about an adult child complaining that her parents have the audacity to enjoy their later years by buying a larger/ or different house. BTW, I keep reading about 30 hours of free childcare. No one of my age who worked got that, the day I could stop paying for childcare, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. It took a chunk out of our salaries every month. Many of these things are swings and roundabouts.

Sounds dreamy, I was definitely born in the wrong decade! I’ll cry into my millennial soya latte whilst I work from home out of the corner of my bedroom in a two bed flat 😂

A lot of the older generation have no idea how good they have had it.
Smarts a bit when you see peers so much more comfortable than you because of family help but plenty of us in the same boat op.

We bought our first flat for £9750 with a 100% mortgage when I was 21, but 100% mortgages were few and far between after that time, and lenders were far stricter about the amount they would lend - being able to borrow 2.5 times your joint income was unusual.

When we bought our last house before moving to our current property, the mortgage interest rate went up to 18% just after we had exchanged contracts and remained at 15 or 16% for many years. Of course house prices weren’t nearly as high as they are now, but no-one earned the eye watering salaries that many people seem to accept as normal now. We were spending 75% or our combined take home pay just on our mortgage when we first bought our last house and we both had to work huge amounts of overtime to make ends meet. We didn’t have holidays for several years and could hardly afford to go out, but it was worth it to us.

Every generation faces challenges and I think it’s very unreasonable for people to assume that those of us in our 60s today had it easy - it really wasn’t the case.

@loislovesstewie I literally said “you can’t say anything.” My parents have been very generous so I have no bitterness of my own. I just know my parents’ generosity has changed my life and I’m forever grateful for the opportunities they provide for my family and I will absolutely do the same for my child if I’m in a similar position.

I think if you believe that help with a house deposit in the current economy allows the recipient to luxuriate and never truly learn the value of money and hard graft, you're very sheltered.

And yet parents helping kids with deposits is a very well known thing, so clearly quite a lot of funnelling down is happening. Including to the OP.

Do your parents see you as struggling? Perhaps they see it that you are doing well, given your professional jobs and the help they did provide to get you on the property ladded. You see them as lucky but they might see you as following in their steps as I imagine things were tighter when they were raising children and now they are not. They might assume you will get there too when you are at their age.

They are still young in their 60s they are perhaps enjoyng their wealth and want to live in a home that they enjoy. They may also be thinking about how they can help you by having their grandchildren stay over why dont you talk to them about the financial pressures you are experiencing but also try to support them in their life decisions rather than being resentful.

I really do think it's important to factor in that there's no prospect of retiring in one's 60s for current twenty- and thirty-somethings

Yes, YABU.
You made your choices in life, similarly, they have got the right to live theirs.
Glad I never had any children myself.

100 per cent I’d give the money to my sons. They need it more than me

It wasn’t just mortgage rates. Inflation was running at astronomical levels throughout the 1970/80s. The price of everything was soaring - food, clothes, fuel - everything cost more this week than it did last week.

This bar chart shows it quite clearly.

https://www.macrotrends.net/global-metrics/countries/gbr/united-kingdom/inflation-rate-cpi

Christ, the utter disappointment in raising a child so grabby they resent you living the lifestyle you chose, and eye up your bank balance wanting it. God it is so cringe,

and some of these comments, someone called it hoarding money, hoarding. The jealousy dripping off each word, and someone else said people should die at 60 so children could inherit,

it’s just all so grubby and scummy,

Looking after a child is obligatory. You feed, clothe, bathe, and educate a child because to not do so is neglect. Minors do not owe adults anything.

The dynamic changes when you're all adults. It's not neglect to refuse to help your adult kids with a house deposit, nor is it neglect to decline to drive an elderly parent to their eye appointment. It's a nice way of taking care of one another and sharing the benefits of one party being young and health and the other having had the opportunity to accumulate significant wealth.

Maybe they feel their sacrificed by having a smaller/fairer priced home to bring you up and now is simply their time?

Are you genuinely struggling financially or are you just in a normal position where you have 10-30 years left on your mortgage?

My view has always been that my finances are my responsibility alone

I think people with entitled attitudes like the OP should be written out of wills altogether.

Inheritance or financial support isn't owed to anyone.

In a house hold with two professional jobs and a £35k contribution already, you've clearly made some wrong choices if you are struggling. Over extended on the mortgage, living in an area you can't afford, holidays, car choices etc.

It's entitlement no matter what way you look at it.

The generation that allowed this inflation....really?
Come on, I'm 41 so I feel like I'm in the middle but even I am not stupid enough to be blaming everyday people for inflation over the years! What did you expect Fred and Sandra at number 20 to do about the rising house prices? Apologise and give their house to their children as an apology for 'creating this'?

You must be forgetting we are going through some pretty crazy inflation the last 5 years so I guess that includes you, why are you letting inflation happen now? And what are you doing to help the next generation down to help with the inflation you are responsible for? Bit of a silly statement.....

We massively upsized at retirement - large country house with a garden probably 50 times bigger than we had in the city - it's the dream house, keeps us nice and busy and we've enjoyed the renovations. 60 is no age! we might down size again when we are less active. Your parents don't need to give you any lump sums - I'm generous on an ongoing basis to my DD and her family

I get it, OP. My parents are boomers in their 70s and don't perceive that their generation had much better fortune - everyone they know expected to be able to buy their own home and was able to - they bought low and sold high, benefitting from the market rather than great decision making and financial planning.

Its the gap in perception that gets to me, rather than them not sharing. My parents just dont seem to notice that life is much harder for my family, with both me and DH slogging it out in high stress public sector jobs, managing in a a house that's too small without any hope of being able to move. And they are annoyingly smug about how well things have gone for them, as though it was by design rather than luck!

I wonder if your parents' obliviousness is what really hurts you.

Are Fred and Sandra aghast at the idea of selling their house for nine times what they bought it for, rather than at the tenfold valuation they had done in 2022?