Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

I’m near your parents age and my DH and me are conscious that our assets mean that even with the married tax concession our assets are over the threshold for iht. We are therefore downsizing our main home and gifting our children £50k each now - to be used strictly as a mortgage deposit and help them onto the property ladder as - no matter what anyone says - it is very much harder now than it was when I was in my twenties in the 90s.

that said what we buy will still be a ‘large’ 3 or 4 bed detached in a very nice area so we are lucky we can still have a lifestyle that we can enjoy and afford. I wouldn’t do it if it meant living somewhere I didn’t like or want to be, I think we’ve worked hard enough and long enough to expect that. That said all our kids keep encouraging us to spend our cash and enjoy ourselves .

Exactly that. They also didn’t get born into a world where their fathers were getting killed in the war, there was rationing and they didn’t have money for anything.

My mum had to take my dad with her to open a bank account. Women and children were abused and not believed.

I think I would rather have the prospect of not being able to buy a house (Tbf I’m GenX and the only way people in my generation could buy a house unless they were minted) than that.

Every generation has its own shit to deal with

You’re supposed to declare anything over £7k.

You say about being self centred but the irony is that the OP is being incredibly self centred, as are many on this thread.

Do you honestly think in light of the Epstein files that women and children are believed when it comes to abuse in 2026?

Wars are still happening and we’ve been impacted by them since 2021
During the 60s 70s and 80s there were still people who couldn’t buy houses and they got a council house given to them. Full rent covered, none of this gap nonsense or 2 child caps.

I can remember my own family situation where my mother was demanding at the Housing office that she needed to be settled in her new home before my twin brothers arrived and was she was moved from a three bedroom Masonette to a four bedroom house because she couldn’t be expected to manage the stairs and she was claiming she was a single mother
Of course she wasn’t.
But then she went on to buy that Council house with a 40% discount
And that’s how she’s made her millions, fuck all to do with hard work, the narrative is ridiculous that these people did anything to acquire their wealth other than turn up at the right time.
I at least have the good graciousness to acknowledge My kids worked twice as hard at uni than I ever did and a lot harder at work as well.

Who paid your parents mortgage ? Them i bet, so do what they did and pay yours.

I'm in my fifties and I agree with you OP. When we downsize it will be with the intent of helping our DCs out a little.

I worried when my mum announced she was moving from 3 bed to 4 bed - that was 20 years ago and she is 80 now but I think it was he right decision for her in hindsight. I thought t would way too much cleaning and housework for her but it actually works really well having space so she doesn't need to fold up the ironing board, she doesn't have to put away the sewing machine ( one of her big hobbies) and she can have a treadmill to get some exercise in the winter when the weather is terrible. She has an ensuite bathroom which was great when she wasn't well.

It would be madness if they were in their eighties admittedly. But they are only in their sixties. Averages state they have another good 20 years or so. My parents still live in the large family home with outbuildings and land and cope well.

Just look on the bright side. A house bought for 700k now will be well over a mill in 5 / 10 / 20 years, so when you do finally get your hands on the cash you will be able to pay for uni, weddings, house deposits etc.

I think 65 year olds are not really regarded as pensioners anymore. Imagine telling the likes of Graham Norton, Gary Lineker, Gaby Roslin, Trinny Woodall that they’re too old to upsize and shouldn’t buy a lovely big house to enjoy. They’re all in their 60s and look pretty bloody well.

They've already given you a huge amount of money! I think it's outrageous that you want them to forgo the lifestyle they want and can afford to give you more!

This is their one life and they are allowed to enjoy it. I'm sure they'd prioritise their dc if they were desperate, but that doesn't sound like the situation here.

They helped you with the deposit. Maybe they think that is enough? Maybe they don't realise you feel like you are struggling?

Your parents weren’t lucky - check how much interest rates were when they were buying!
they helped you with deposit already. If you can’t afford your mortgage I’d argue you chose a property way over your means and that’s on you.

We know your parents financial situation , but you might need to explain a bit more about yours...when you say 'struggling' do you mean to put food on the table or to keep up with the Jones'? Is it possible that your parents just want to make the most of their final years, look forward to more space with grandkids etc and dont consider you to be struggling?

i didn’t think it was hugely common for people to upsize in their sixties when usually by then kids have left home

Not sure about upsizing but extended existing houses does seem to be common - just when you'd think there was less need for space as kids have moved out. I think the extra space starts to be used as well.

I do think the OP expecation of money is very off but then I'm seeing this with remaining parent and siblings though with less money - they are begrudging any money being spent that won't improve saleablity of house ie their long term beneift considering it their inheritance. It's deeply unpleasant to be round and so self aborbed especially as they've had money from parents when they fuck their lives up. Unlike them and OP we've had nothing substantial or help with childcare and remain greatful for anything that comes with limited expecatation of more.

There does seem to be a pattern of more done for kids more they expect and less grateful they are. I love my own kids and will try and help out always but not at my expence of my own future

You sound fab @RupertTheBlackCat , I hope you find a nice little flat - wishing you a lovely retirement 💐

I don't think the parents should be giving money to OP. However, I do think there is a housing crisis partly because people are under-occupying houses. The council tax rates should put people off doing this, but it's obviously not enough of a disincentive.

We’re in exactly the same position as your parents and will hopefully be moving to our dream house next month, which is quite a bit larger than the family home we’ve lived in for the last 35 years. We are using a chunk of our savings to do this, but we have decided that it will make our remaining (hopefully) 20 years much more enjoyable. Weve worked hard for many years, and Im still working part time although Im now 68, and weve always talked about moving at around this time in our lives. We’ve supported our daughter all through her childhood, university, and in adulthood when she’s needed it. we will always be there for her if she needs help, and there will always be a roof over her head with us if she needs it, but she is married, lives overseas and has no interest in buying a property, and is reasonably comfortable financially. We’ve done our job in raising and supporting our daughter for over 30 years, and for many of those years we really struggled financially particularly for the first seven years of her life when I was a stay at home mum. She was the centre of our world , and we made significant sacrifices to bring her up in the way that we believed was best and prepare her for adulthood and to have a happy life, which she now has. Weve now reached the stage where many of the financial pressures have reduced and we can hopefully enjoy retirement.

I would be very very disappointed in my daughter if I thought she felt like the OP and expected us to downsize or buy a cheaper house to free up money to give to her, and yes, I would very much see her as a money grabber, even more so when she will ultimately inherit everything that we own anyway.

Can't you see it is so different? Thirty years ago, a 3-bed terraced house in zone 2 London near a tube, with a garden cost £115k. Same house, same area is now over one million pounds. The generation that allowed this inflation on the most basic of human needs - shelter - should pay it forward as much as possible.

It wouldn't be your choice.

It is their choice.

Your choice is irrelevant.

I was going to put you are not being unreasonable but need more info. Is there a special reason why they need more space? Do they want to use the space to future proof their home or the space for all the grandkids to visit or maybe hobbies? Have they helped you a lot previously ? I do agree with you though. I would and do help my kids financially and in other ways to save them money.

I’m sure it was tough, and obviously there are individual exception but if you look at the ONS data you will see that on the whole the economic situation and housing prices are fundamentally more difficult for new or first time homebuyers.

I agree that OP and her entire family seem very fortunate on the whole. But I find it alarming that so many people seem to fundamentally misunderstand basic economics.

26 years ago you wouldn’t have even needed your parents to give you 30 grand deposit because you could’ve got 100% mortgage
I actually put the deposit on my credit card to get a 95% mortgage and then smashed through the credit card as fast as I could.
But if everybody stopped giving everybody deposits, the market would readjust but of course who wants to blink first

Exactly this. When you are 60 you will have paid off your mortgage, just like them. Honestly I despair of young people who envy pensioners because they have more. They look ahead at 30-40 years of hard work and bill paying that lies ahead of them, and start feeling sorry for themselves. Pensioners have done their 30-40 years, and now they get to do what they want with whatever they have managed to accrue.

It’s also concerning that so many people on here think buying a massive house and leaving it for their children is good financial planning. If this is your plan and you do want your children to get inheritance please talk to a financial planner.

I think worth factoring in that the "wait your turn" element of the social contract has been broken, because people currently in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s know full well that they will probably never be able to retire, certainly not in their 60s.