Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

You’re going to get loads of posts criticising you op but I totally understand.

im lucky enough to own my own house and have some savings. Because I am older and bought my home when houses were so so much cheaper. My original home cost us 50 thousand. It’s worth 350 now. We’ve benefited from good stable employment, no student loans and been able to build good pensions. We will retire soon a bit early. We are comfortable off. When we compare that to our dc situations it’s pretty bad. One had a huge student loan that was increasing, was struggled to get employed in her field and saw now way of moving out at nearly 30. The other had managed to get a mortgage but was suddenly a single mum and it was looking like she wouldn’t be able to buy her ex out on her wage.

dh and I inherited a large amount last year. We could of bought a bigger more luxury home, travelled, dh could of got a daft sporty car etc but we understand the struggle that’s going on for our dc through no fault of their own so we passed the inheritance down to them. No point in us sitting on it while they NEED it. So now they are both settled in their own homes and debts paid off. Which in turn will benefit the stability for our grandchildren. Money well spent imo

I understand the desire to have space for children and grandchildren but presumably it will just be the two of them for much of the time. I wouldn’t say they must downsize. But since they’re moving, given the housing crisis, there is something about a couple deciding they need a house with more than 4 bedrooms - a house that could otherwise be occupied fulltime by a largeish family - that feels a bit thoughtless to me.

We are almost 60, we are hoping to move in the next couple of years to a bungalow or dormer bungalow. It will likely have the same square footage as our current property as I don't want any smaller. It may even be bigger as I never managed to get a utility room and I want one before I die.

It will likely cost up to 100k more than our current property is worth and will also likely need significant renovation, given that bungalows often house older people until they pass.

We have helped our DC learn to drive, bought their first cars, put them both through university, helped with major house expenses, gifted significant contributions to their weddings and will continue to be a support to them. BUT...

We have worked for over 40 years, we have scrimped and saved and invested and now for the first time in my life I can afford what I really want, and I am damn well having it for my last (hopefully) 20-30 years of life. Whatever is left will go to our DC anyway.

Well she couldn't save her own house deposit for a start.

I don't like your attitude at all, OP. Why shouldn't your parents upsize if they want to and can afford it? Not all people in their 60s want to downsize into a poky flat or 'retirement complex'! Actually DH and I are in a similar position and are actively looking to upsize. Why should your parents give you their money now - if you can't afford your mortgage, you shouldn't have had children.

It is totally their choice, personally I find it odd that people want to upsize as they approach retirement,I’d happily upsize to a larger garden, but not the actual house, the two of us simply dont need the same amount of room as we did when our kids were at home, not to mention the cost of heating/ maintaining a larger house, but,is it any different to spending all the money you might make on holidays etc. At the end of the day, OP will still inherit the money eventually, unless they have fallen out to such an extent the parents leave it to others

I will never understand these threads and this mindset. The faux worry about sounding grabby is because you know it is grabby.

Gains from house price inflation can only be realised once, when the last house someone owns is sold, as before that they need to be used to buy the next house.

When that last house is sold either the money goes on care or is passed down, benefiting exactly the people who seem to be currently seen as suffering because they didn't have that - hence this huge inter-generational transfer of wealth that's coming up.

Older generations have benefited from lower housing costs, but the idea that they've all had massive unfair windfalls from house price inflation doesn't make sense. It's their children who are mainly going to get those windfalls, including presumably the OP.

OP whether it’s reasonable or not, you’re struggling and it would sting for me too in the circumstances even if I objectively understood that it’s their money and their lives. I wouldn’t raise it with them though I think it could really damage the relationship. What have they been like with financial assistance in the past?

You're going to get a kicking on here OP, but disappointment doesn't always have fair or rational roots and it is fine for you to feel how you feel especially because you seem to recognise that it isn't entirely fair of you to have expected such generosity.
It stings now, but it will fade. Maybe your parents are thinking of gaining more for you all in the long term as well as enjoying their wealth while they can.

God so many of these grabby posts now.

I’d be so upset if I found out our adults kids felt like you OP. They’ve given you a great deposit.

i expect they went without when you were young to send you on school trips, days out, decent clothes, birthday parties … the list is endless.

we’ve also given ours deposits and we pay for holidays or weekends away, most meals out are paid for by us when we visit. We also give them a small monthly sum to help out.

I love to treat them and we’re lucky we can afford to do so but I won’t be handing over huge amounts of money in my 60s.

DH wants to retire, I want to cut my hours down and we want to travel and enjoy life whilst we’re fit and well enough to do so.

That soon eats into savings when your income dramatically reduces. We could live another 30 odd years!

I agree with this so much. We always used to say work hard and enjoy your retirement and the sudden reversal of that is horrible.

Like you I would never hesitate to help my daughter. But I don't expect anything from my parents.

We (DH and I) are probably in a similar situation to your parents. The difference is all 3 of our DC are pushing us to move into our dream house and spend our money on travel instead of downsizing to "help" them.
It's a constant stand off, as we would like to help them out but they are all professionals and in the scheme of things I don't think giving them all a bit of money will make much of a difference to their living arrangements.
How much would make a real difference to you OP?

Not everyone wants a retirement bungalow.

Just as well because they’re rare as hens’ teeth and because of that they usually cost more than a comparable house. My parents moved into one nearly 30 years ago and it cost more than the house they sold.

There are lots of bungalows for sale near me but you can really tell that a lot of them have been neglected by elderly owners. Most need a lot of work and are not something I'd want to take on.
Stair lifts and through floor lifts are not that expensive if a house needs adapting.

When did they pay their mortgage off, OP? And when did they stop supporting you financially?

I ask because at 60+, I’m still fully supporting one adult DC, and helping the other as much as possible, having paid off my mortgage a few years ago due to a small inheritance.

In my (our) case, I worked full-time since age 18, DH since 16, we got our first mortgage at 21, and paid it off at 56, so we had 35 years of paying a mortgage, but nearly 40 years of full child and adult support for one DC, and 30 for the other, starting from nearly a decade years after our first mortgage payment!

If our supported DC would ever be well enough to get employment that allowed them to support themselves, I would expect to be able to use my money (what’s left of it) by doing some things for ourselves that I’d put off for years by being full-time workers, parents and support-givers!

That might include up-sizing (E.g. if I had a hobby that I wanted to do that I simply couldn’t fit in my current house) or down-sizing, if I wanted to release equity that would enable us to travel, visit theatres Etc. - things we haven’t been able to do because - kids…

Who, BTW, through some of their own endeavours AND a lot of help from us, have been able to do, and which we couldn’t afford when we were young and child-free!

I don’t think you are being fair, OP. These are the people that raised you, probably by restricting themselves. Now it’s their time to enjoy not just providing for everyone else’s lifestyle, but concentrating on theirs…

I don’t find it at all odd that people want to upsize at 60s. Many people if that age start spending more time at home and having more visitors as people might start dropping some work. Also extended visits from adult children. It’s also a time when people can finally start doing bigger projects at home and in the garden. If there are 2 people at home doing interesting things, you need a bit of space from each other. It’s also usually a good investment so you’re future proofing too.

Plus these days many 60 yr olds are in decent health, robust mentally, good social lives, good at DIY/ decorating and have a decent disposable income to pay trades. Many are much better placed to look after a lovely large house than people in their 20s!

I actually think parents holding onto money until they die is kinder. Kids( like us) scrimp, save and any inheritance is help in retirement with the dwindling state pension. Too many people
live beyond their means when young with little provision in retirement.

My parents have a similar attitude and it’s changed our lives. We would really struggle without their help. We are eternally grateful for the opportunities they’ve provided for us and our daughter.

Your parents attitude is an anathema to me tbh. My financial planning is based around how I can pass assets to my children to make their lives a bit easier. There’s a huge disparity between my generation and theirs ( free education, reasonable house prices in the 1990s/2000s and final salary pensions) and they will need help. My parents inherited significant wealth from their parents but never helped me - perhaps I’ll inherit, perhaps not but if I do then I’ll pass it to my children when it is most useful to them. Not sharing family money is a totally different mindset- a self centred approach to life and not one I like so I can see why it irks.

Although I wonder if they see in ten years that they will need extra help, employing a cleaner/maintaince company to help them to keep on top or the place with fall into disrepair.

Its their My in-laws lived in a huge rambling 1930s chalet, they decided to pull it down and build three houses on the property as an investment, planning refused and the eventually granted, builder employed. Sold out to the builder.
My father in law bought a fabulous ground floor apartment which had views across the sea (and security so MIL couldn’t wander when she became ill). He bought another one almost identical further down the coast as a holiday home.

At the end of the day, my In laws were happy with their decision and the expenses and the pitfalls they had. My husband saw it as inheritance losses. Both properties were hard to maintain and were money pits.

I saw it as quality of life and both enjoyed their time together with these profit-loss projects.

I’ve also seen enough threads on here about young adults making frankly bizarre financial choices- whether it’s obviously disastrous marriages, flaky self-employment, having multiple kids without a home, or travel/ partying/ cars etc to realise that giving people large sums of money at that age often doesn’t end well. Far better that they learn the real value of money by earning it themselves in most cases.

People are making a fair point about inherited money in the middle of life potentially disappearing in a divorce or being spunked on frivolous lifestyle choices. I would far rather have the family home in trust for the kids so they knew if would come their way than I would free up money through downsizing and hand over cash.

I’m in my seventies and have downsized twice, once after my son left permanently and later after my daughter moved out, giving them both some cash at important points in their lives. I can’t imagine doing what your parents are doing and I wonder if it will make them as happy as they think it will.

ETA I now live in a place that makes me very happy, but it cost relatively little.

Exactly.