Parents upsizing - AIBU

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Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

Thanks for your concern, but I won't be struggling and my d and sil are the most considerate of people - I've really had to persuade them!

'Extra' money is an odd phrase. Presumably it is their savings/pension money.
It is normal to be paying back a mortgage in one's forties, probably they were too.

If your husband is working and requires an office, you’re not bloody retired then are you? I do wish people would read posts.

See my answer below.

You know OP I can see it. For me there is just money who acquired it and how and when doesn’t really matter. The relative merits of hard work, luck, house growth is just noise. Sure some self entitled arses fritter the stuff and have huge entitlement but most are doing their best and the ones with the most over estimate their own role in the luck that gave them more. As such with our one life and the people we love share the stuff out and enjoy it here and now. I will sell up as soon as my kids are moved out to release equity and share it out. Or they can live here and we work it out between us. The richest people have love and people in their thoughts. My parents never had much money and now they are old and incapacitated have built up a little bit more and any spare is dolloped into charity causes or on family. It’s not a huge excess but it’s joyful and life affirming. They have always been the same. I paid some of their bills for years - I always thought it a privilege.

As you're already eyeing up their bank account I suspect you will find it harder than you think to give up funds that you already have in your account

Your family, your kids , your mortgage. Why should you have a free ride? You are not in any way entitled to this money. They should enjoy it whilst they have it

Yep it’s grim. Been there done that. Our holidays were caravans for 4 days via the newspaper coupons or camping. Zilch done on the house with mouldy bathrooms, kitchens literally falling apart and one car barely surviving. My husband had to cycle to save money.

Some young people now think they have a right to constant renos,insta worthy houses, holidays, fancy cars, tech etc. they don’t.

My friends son in his early 20s is a bus driver and
has just bought his first house alone. He has scrimped and bought a shit hope in a non popular area.

Yes it’s hard but not impossible. It was hard for those coming up for retirement too.

They did share, they gave her a deposit in the first place.

I think it’s crazy to upsize at that age. Who wants the extra upkeep? We plan to downsize as soon as the children leave home (god knows when that will be) and use the money to give up work and travel!

Many will be working through retirement. He will be and even if he wasn’t we need an office.

Obviously nobody wants their mum in a bed sit, that poster is completely the opposite end of the spectrum to OP’s parents. What is unreasonable is eg middle class 70yo parents buying a spare house in France to mince about in/ upsizing while their adult children struggle in the slog.

In my opinion.

Your choice to have two children I assume? I’m in my early 60’s and off skiing, loads of life in me yet. Why is your life more important than theirs?

“Working through retirement” is contradiction in terms.
Nobody not working needs an office unless it’s to get away from each other

We’ve all struggled in the slog, that’s life.

This sounds like the kind of family everyone would like to be in. This is what I am trying to emulate from me onwards.

I will say upfront of course no one deserves inheritance. But I completely agree with these points. The downgrading in standard of living between the generations is so stark and if you are in work you are paying a huge amount of tax (I'm not anti-tax but the accumulation of wealth isn't being taxed in the same way). Of course it's their money, and it's great for people to say well they have a long time to live. But they will get older and infirm and require more familial support. I would want my children and grandchildren to be helped when they are in the thick of it (if I could afford it). Upsizing seems really selfish (4 bedroom for 2 people already). But it's also an impossible conversation to have without sounding like an arsehole.

I find it interesting that some people are responding to my downsizing in order to help my family as though it will condemn me to a terrible retirement! I think this is all to do with our present-day obsession with 'stuff'.

Why will I need loads of space? It will be so much easier, as I age, to keep a small space clean and tidy. On the pension I'll have there won't be lots of spare money (have always worked in the charitable sector) so I won't be able to buy more 'stuff', so won't need much space. Changing bed linen on a double bed becomes hard work as one ages, so a single bed will be much more practical in my little space :-)

Honestly, I'm rather looking forward to the challenge to be inventive. And remember, some families in places like Japan have living in small spaces down to a fine art - I'm sure I'll learn a lot from them.

He will be doing the odd bit of work and we don’t want computers/ tech in bedrooms. I will also paint, write and do other things in said office. Our bedrooms are tiny.

Is that ok with you?🤔

Okay, for context my young family manages in a 2-bed flat. I have a school aged child. My husband works from home. Obviously we could use more space but we manage in the space we have because we cannot afford anything larger. Many of us narcissistic millennials are in a similar situation.

Housing prices have inflated astronomically relative to income since our parents bought their homes. This is a fact and if you do not believe it ask an economist.

I am incredibly lucky because my parents help us a lot and we are eternally grateful, so I have nothing to feel bitter about myself.

This is the same for younger people too.

It’s not, but that’s a whole different thread.

So who is going to pay your care home fees @RupertTheBlackCat ? Your daughter, or the taxpayer (a group that includes many that will never afford their own home)?

Also, not to be rude but London is a bit greedy, think how much more you could help your daughter if you moved to Grimsby or Jaywick instead.

When I was young very few people inherited anything from parents. If they were lucky they got a few hundred, often from an insurance policy taken out to cover the funeral. If they were unlucky they got to pay for the funeral and maybe settle debts, it would have been shameful not to pay for those. You were expected to contribute to supporting your parents if needed, they were not expected to subsidise an adult's lifestyle.

We've given our child a generous house deposit and a good education. They have more money coming in than we do. If they were as grabby as OP they'd never get anything else.

What’s not ok- us using our house as we need to use it?

Said office is also our spare room. Are we not allowed visitors now either? Does that include adult children?