Parents upsizing - AIBU

[100157ab]

Parents are retired in their 60s. They have a 4 bed detached in a nice area (not south). They sold recently for 680k. They’ve discussed all
sorts about where to move and at one point said they didn’t need the space but now saying they are actually going to upsize as they want more space and so are making an offer on a house 100k more (so 780k).

I know there will be posters saying awful things about me saying this and I do accept that. I know what I’m about to say sounds money grabbing. But… we have two dc and will struggle to pay off our mortgage for many many years despite being in reasonably paid jobs and working hard to progress. I guess it’s easy to say when it’s not actually the situation but I can’t imagine doing this instead of giving the extra 100k to my kids to help them with their homes when we’d paid off our mortgage and didn’t actually need the space in our current home!! Probably being unfair simply because it’s their money and their choice but I just can’t imagine doing that in their position!

100% this

You are criticising your mothers choices when she’s in her 50s!! I swear I’ve heard it all now. I’m in my fifties and my life is absolutely none of my children’s business.

I’ve said YANBU but it depends really on what they’ve already done for you?

We’re saving to give our DC enough for a house deposit and uni fees (if they choose) a first car and a bit of travel money.
And beyond that I expect to be in a position where I could treat them to a family holiday and few other bits each year if possible.

However, when I’m in my 60s, if I find a nice house I want to spend the next 20+ years in I wouldn’t sacrifice that simply to lump a bit off my DC mortgage instead. Especially not if they were otherwise comfortable, in steady jobs and appeared to be managing well.

‘Hoarding money’. Wow. Is this like women hoarding rights lol?

YABU they gave you money for a deposit and you aren't satisfied with that. There will be so many people who have not been that fortunate, I'm one. No one gave us money for a deposit, I've received nothing in any will, every single thing I have has been paid for by me. I'm not complaining. That's life, I was born very poor and will die with a bit more money and, unless some awful things happen, the ownership of a 4 bed house in a cheap area. I consider myself fortunate. Life isn't easy for many. Your parents are entitled to live their life the way they want. If that involves moving to a house that you think they should not that's their choice. Perhaps they should sell up, go to Vegas and gamble it all?
Edited to ask if you are jealous as your sister has married a wealthy man and you want to compete?

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast No, it’s nothing like that.

You are being unfair. However I would be concerned about them taking on a larger house at a time when many people need to downsize and future proof. My parents moved from a future proofer house, to one that’s going to be a nightmare as they get older and infirm.

Agree
Its Narcissistic

You should be delighted for them as you'll inherit the house when they pop their clogs.

But life and traditions change. For many of us bringing up children is harder and harder and most of us do it without having a built in village of aunties, uncles and grandparents all on our doorstep.

Therefore when my children have grown up, I quite look forward to having freedom and living my life for myself which includes choosing where to live or how I spend my money.

Of course I'd never see my children do without and would help where I could, but I certainly won't be making life decisions in my sixties with my grown up children in mind.

The OP isn't someone who sounds on the bones of her arse in poverty. She's had a stonking big deposit from her parents and said her and her husband both work in professional jobs. At what point do they start taking responsibility for themselves.

There's all this parents never stop being parents and must help their children until the end of time, even sacrificing their own lives and wants for grown up children. You see all the time on here people outraged their parents going on holiday instead of helping them with childcare. But surely as you grow up your relationship changes? I would never dream of demanding my parents curtail their lifestyle or think I had an opinion on how they live their life now I'm an adult and they are retired so they can make decisions to suit me.

Sounds like your parents have a cuckoo in the nest @100157ab - the more they feed you, the more you demand more. When exactly do you intend to stand on your own two feet?

Do we think this is the first generation where parents have faired better financially than their children and this is where this expectation of money filtering back down has come from?

No
My parents did well in the housing market and also inherited and Im Gen X
Nothing to do with me

Its just greed and entitlement , the irony of the Op calling her parents greedy though !

There are certain Millenial women who are classic Narcs, vain, selfish and entitled.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast I am talking from a UK perspective but yes, take my parents for example, free university, not extremely successful but professional careers (think teacher, social worker), frugal parents themselves so a decent inheritance, bought a house for next to nothing to see it increase x20 with almost no renovation work. Etc.

Now it is quite a different story and all this is reversed. I know some people will say interest rates were high etc but I think we all know that economists have proven that generation had it best, and so I think them not sharing is a failure at a family ethos. And that’s why eg OP is hurt.

I myself am fine without their money, so it is not an argument about me, but as PP has said it is the vibe that feels most off, the selfishness is ugly to be near.

I see your concern. I find it frustrating that such a disconnect, such a lack of understanding exists between boomer parents and their financially burdened offspring.

Ive pledged to myself that I shall never live at a higher standard than my kids by the time they’re established and are making their way in life. My assets will be there to support them along the way - and I’ll teach them to hopefully do the same one day.

Doubly frustrating is watching some family inherit early and blow through huge sums on depreciating niceties like expensive cars. All while some of their offspring are living pay cheque to pay cheque.

I differentiate between my own earned wealth, my own built equity and savings, and that I’ve inherited or will inherit. The latter being mostly family money to keep our earlier and unborn generations afloat should they need it.

Not from the: “you can’t take it with you” bullshit mentality.

Unless a suitable bungalow is available, thus could be seen as preparing for the future.

Buying a bigger house usually means that there is more room downstairs. If one or either becomes unable to manage stairs then they will have the space to live entirely downstairs. It could have more parking available for health/care visitors. If they get to the point of considering residential care, extra bedrooms opens up the option of live in carers instead.

Downsizing in older age can be seen as ideal but its also very limiting if your needs change. Personally I advise people your parents age to consider worst case scenarios for aging and plan accordingly... lots of parking, level ground floors without steps between rooms, doorways wide enough to fit a wheelchair, ground floor toilet/bathroom facilities, room to have a bed downstairs and still live a life. You never appreciate these aspects until you need them, and then they make all the difference.

I’m rather older than OP’s parents, in a 4 bed detached, and I can very well see her POV.

However It does occur to me that - maybe after retirement? - the DPs are getting on each other’s nerves and want the extra space in order to be able to escape from each other without actually having to go out!

An ex colleague had a similar situation - but she was in a small 3 bed with one modest sized reception room and a small kitchen.

If you were worried about them taking on too big a house, it’s maintenance, the garden at their stage you would be very reasonable.

However, because you seem only concerned about the financial aspect and wanting money for yourself and your DC, then you are being hugely unreasonable.

I think because of the housing market. It isnt ‘fair’ is it that through year of birth you are likely to be better off financially and have benefited from rinsing housing costs? I think the older gen do have a responsibility to help the younger gen, or at least share. That could take the form of downsizing and gifting money.

It's a very common concern and a lot of people do get divorced in their 20s and 30s. Most of my clients want their children and grandchildren to benefit from their wealth during their lifetimes but are very reluctant to do so as they are (rightfully) worried that the family wealth will be lost to divorce. We recommend trusts in most cases so that the children can benefit, but control remains with the parent until they are satisfied that their child is responsible enough.

I pointed out that all my parents only have what they have due to other people dying and giving them the money and dying young so weren’t they lucky from that perspective?
None of them particularly liked the people that gave them the substantial amounts of cash.
This whole new charade of young people apparently feeling entitled well where have they got that from? I wonder.

Where are you getting the entitlement on the part of the parents from? Not liking people who leave money for you does not equal entitlement.

The difference now @Haystackhunting is that people aren't wanting to wait for death to inherit, they feel entitled to their parents money whilst they are still alive.

She’s saying that although they benefited from money to help with the central part of their life, they now say any similar expectation from their adult children is ‘entitled’ and that is hypocritical.

I’m in my late 50s and worked and scrimped all my life. We’ve just about paid our mortgage off and will be value upsizing to get our dream final
house or will maybe travel more. Who knows. No way am I donating large sums of money to my children to fritter at this stage with a false sense of wealth. I want them to be secure at retirement and hope what they inherit then will help to pay off mortgages. We may look at helping with deposits for mortgages when the time comes and will be advising re paying into pensions .

Life is hard for everybody and scrimping the reality for most. Nobody has a right to other people’s money. All I want for my dc is security in retirement,not a life of holidays, cars etc. Having safety, food and a home is the lottery many round the world don’t enjoy.