AIBU not to attend brother-in-law’s wedding 500 miles away due to cost and lack of relationship with them?

[SunnyEgg123]

Brother in law is getting married in the summer. The wedding is being held 500miles away from where we live and will cost approximately £1000 for the weekend away to attend (summer weekend in expensive area). We will have to take our young toddler to the wedding as they want them to attend for family photos etc. We are not part of the wedding party - my husband is not best man etc, we are guests at the full day though. It will be a very long weekend for the toddler and not particularly enjoyable for them. In laws are useless with them so no support there.

We barely see this brother despite living in the same city as him. Husband does not have a close relationship with him. Him and his future wife make no effort to see our child (have seem them maybe 3 times in 18months and only at other family obligations) and didn't attend their 1st birthday etc despite it being important to us.

This weekend away is barely affordable. We do not have a spare £1000 to attend a wedding for 2 days. I do not feel we should be obligated to go when we are not friends. We would not go to the wedding of someone else that makes so little effort in our lives.

Husband feels we are in a tricky position. He agrees that it's very disappointing the lack of effort they make to see us or our child but that it will cause a lot of family upset if he does not attend. He was initially in agreement we should not go but now feels fearful of the fallout.

AIBU to decide not to attend this wedding for the reasons above.

Your DH and his brother are obviously not close and it doesn't seem either make much effort to spend together. You don't have to go to this wedding but it could be an opportunity to forge closer links. Are there any other guests going who you could share travel with? Particularly if you decided your DH would go alone.

Your attitude sucks. You responses to people are so rude. Fully understand why they don’t spend time with you. Doubt they want you there, but I imagine you not being there would upset the parents and would be questioned by other guests. Get over it and go to the wedding.

I’m astonished at the lack of geography knowledge on this thread. The UK is big. People think Newcastle is ‘North’. Actually it’s about halfway between London and Inverness. We’re looking at a Scottish tour this summer. Flights will be a few hundred, as will the sleeper coming home. And hotels for a family room are very expensive! Also many places are already booked for when we want to go.

I also think it’s rubbish that they couldn’t be bothered to travel 15 mins for your baby’s birthday, it’s not about the baby (although I’m sure they’re lovely) it’s to celebrate parents surviving the first year. I bet when they have kids they’ll expect everyone to bend over backwards for their child’s milestones!

anyway, don’t go. The drive on its own will be horrendous with a baby. Selfish people expecting you to.

I think it's too much stress and effort for someone that you aren't close to. That said I'm one of those people who likes to match other people's energy socially even when it comes to family weddings.

IME most of Mumsnet assumes everyone is English and even when you try and clarify your situation people still question whether you can be right 🙄

Have you read thw OP's updates? The wedding is on a remote Scottish island. If attending a wedding cost me a 4 figure sum that I could ill afford I wouldn't go either.

I quite agree @Minesril

how does it cost the same for one person to go rather than two people and a toddler? I think it would be quite a serious snub for your dh not to attend his brother's wedding that will likely cause lifelong upset and you are being very very unreasonable (and it sounds like spiteful) to ask your dh not to go. Your dh should go alone and if he really can't get the costs down from what it would cost 3 of you (very very unlikely) then so be it.

I really question whether it matters when it's someone who you don't see a lot of have much contact with. Does it make any material difference to your life whether a person that's barely in it likes you or not?

I wouldn't go, or take the toddler. Your DH can go if he feels he should. He can drive for longer periods of time without a toddler so should shorten the journey.
Do you know of anyone you could borrow a camper can from or are there any local camping sites, so DH could just take a tent for himself.
If the answer is no, I wouldn't go at all. You can't afford it and you don't have much of a relationship with them. Obviously moving forward it might mean the relationship doesn't improve but it doesn't sound like any great loss.

Why are you assuming that they family won't have any communication between now and the wedding? The fact that it's a very expensive and impractical trip for a family with a toddler can be spoken about before the big day, no need for it to be a surprise that everyone has to ask the groom about

You didn't say it was abroad, so I'm assuming you can drive, yes. So the travel cost is petrol and a cheap hotel.
What is it in your travel plans that drives the cost up to £1000?

Read the OP's updates.

Read the OP's updates.

Dh goes alone, see if he can room share with parents or family?

The BIL is taking the piss in the first place to have the wedding 500 miles away. If you have a destination wedding then you have to accept that not everyone will come.

why is your child so important to your BIL?
i think it is sad not to go

You clearly don’t want to go and let’s face it who could be arsed go travel that distance AND bring a toddler, not to mention the cost. Dont go!!

anyway, it is your decision

I’d go. Sometimes you just have to follow basic rules of family engagement or we would all drift off into our little silos. He’s your husband’s brother, of course you should all go!

I’ve read the updates and still think your husband should go on his own.

He’s not just attending for his brother - he’d be going to spend the time with his extended family.

Lastly I’m a bit surprised that you eloped and yet had friends at your wedding.
Why not have any family there?

Would you fork out a 4 figure sum you could ill afford and make your toddler endure a very long drive to attend a wedding on a remote Scottish island that has very few accommodation options?

I wouldn't.