All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

What sort of behaviour?

But you turned and followed him? He didn't chnage direction or anything?

Are you generally a very anxious person OP? Is this a very isolated place? I’m guessing not if you quickly ran into two more women. Was the man paying you any attention or just going about his business?

maybe I’m blasé but I rarely feel like this. For the most part people are just going about their lives and it’s pretty unlikely anything would happen in broad day light on a well used path.

For the most part people are just going about their lives and it’s pretty unlikely anything would happen in broad day light on a well used path.

That's what Rachel Nickell thought, I expect.

@mildlysweaty I know exactly what you mean and yes, men ought to be aware of this. YANBU. I'm sorry you had this experience.

He may have stopped to allow you to pass him ?

What experience? He didn’t do anything towards her, or have I miss read the post? Or are you just sorry she is an extremely anxious lady?

I'm sorry. A man was walking and you came across him but think he shouldn't have been walking because he had long hair and could be mistaken for a woman?

I’m confused???

exceptional things can happen but you can’t live your life in fear of something that is incredibly unlikely to occur. If it had been dark or a very isolated area I would understand OPs anxiety but middle of the day, well used path and a guy that she started following and not the other way around, I don’t think the guy did anything wrong in this scenario.

I agree in principle that men should be careful about being intimidating around women in vulnerable places like the woods, on the street when it’s fairly empty etc.

But, I cannot see what this man did wrong at all. Maybe you haven’t described it right but it seems like he was just there at the same time as you, didn’t follow you, and may even have paused to let you clear some space away from him. Or just got something out of his bag.

I was several feet behind, he wouldn’t have heard me. He looked back and then stopped almost straight away and no he didn’t reach for the water bottle which was in the side pocket of his bag. It was odd, and felt dodgy. In my OP I said I often do this walk (3 years now) and never felt like that or had someone just stop in their tracks - the men (and women) usually carry on in their direction. Yes I turned around because I was walking in the direction of the woods and wanted to get closer to the village again - I didn’t think he would stop, and I was several feet behind him.

So you walk past him. Obviously you were looking at him as you believed he was a she until you got close. He has most definitely looked over his shoulder at you and thinking is she still looking at me. You then turn and walk back in his direction. He then opens his back pack...I imagine to get his pepper spray at the ready.

Yes, all men should wear a bell around their necks and have their hands up in front of them at all times. Oh and have short hair so there is no question that they are men.

Honestly, I can't see the issue here, if anything perhaps he was nervous as you changed direction

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne❤️

Maybe he stopped because he realised you’d changed direction and started following him and he felt uncomfortable. Always a possibility. Men can feel uncomfortable too. I know I’ve stopped to fiddle with bag/ phone in similar situations.

What did he do wrong? He got something out of his bag but you think he shouldn’t have done because you were there?

This sounds like one of those occasions when you had to be there to understand what was so unnerving about this man.

Maybe your gut instincts were warning you of danger? If so, that is very difficult to put into words so that people who weren't there can understand how it felt.

Having said that, you seem to have clear ideas on what this man did that you felt was unnerving.
Do you think you would have felt differently had he changed direction, not stopped walking, not reached into his bag?

I know exactly what you mean OP. It's hard to explain though. Whenever my brothers or dh are walking at night and see a woman alone they will cross to the opposite side of the road to avoid walking behind or towards her. I thought this was fairly commonly known by most men.

He did absolutely nothing wrong, OP.

I think on this occasion it was understandable he stopped, because your behaviour could have come across as a bit odd.

So you think he shouldn't have stopped? He's supposed to just carry on walking because you've decided to follow him even though he needs something from his bag?

And I could hear/ feel the presence of someone only several feet behind me.

I'm a man OP, I really can't see what this chap was doing was intimidating, looking over his shoulder, he probably heard your footsteps behind him and looked. Likewise stopping to get something out of his bag, not really that odd.

I understand why women are cautious because of well publicised cases - but remember in the grand scheme of things those represent a minute percentage of the quite innocent encounters we all have with each other every day.

I myself have been spooked by other people, but it tends to be a psychological response, often close to dusk, after dark or early morning and in "creepy" locations, woodland, alleyways, underpasses - and that's just because our innate fight or flight response is heightened in such scenarios.

So I think your response is quite understandable, but statistically he was likely just a bloke with long hair who wanted to get a can of cola out of his backpack.

Maybe he felt uneasy because you turned and started following his direction? Maybe he has past trauma that makes him feel anxious with someone behind him near the woods?

Either way I don't think it's fair to expect innocent men to constantly be aware of how women may feel walking near them, he could have been reaching in his bag to get a snack, earphones, his keys or check he'd remembered to pack something he needed?

Do you really think you are that important that he thought about you for more than 2 seconds you are not the centre of his world