All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

I’d assume she’s referring to the posters who dismissed her sense of the situation by saying it wouldn’t bother them.

I have been chased/followed by men in the dark on two occasions.

The first man was almost certainly planning to harm me; he passed me on a quiet street and I heard him stop and turn on the pavement as he had gone past. My gut instinct was to run, and I’m glad I did because he started to chase me and I managed to give myself a head start by anticipating what he was about to do. I had no choice but to run through a park, he stopped running on the path and went onto the grass, probably to try and cut me off but also so I couldn’t hear his footsteps. Eventually he stopped chasing but I didn’t stop running until I’d got home, then reported it to the police. Had a phone call the following day from the police asking for more information because there had been a rape in the park. My blood still runs cold when I think about that because it could have been me.

The second time wasn’t quite as scary, still frightened me but my dog got rid of him for me by stopping dead and snarling at him as he was calling after me and trying to get me to stop on a quiet beach path in the dark. I threatened to let my dog off the lead and he backed off.

I don’t think that the man you encountered today did anything wrong and I don’t think he would have worried me, but I do understand why you feel the way you do.

Maybe your behaviour was suspicious to him, you were walking in one direction, you let him pass you, then you changed direction to walk behind him.

But "nobody" is safer than a man you are nervous about!

And if there were people about why were you so nervous when he stopped to open his bag?

the main point (which I don’t think I’m getting across) is that men often don’t realise the impact of ordinary behaviours in certain contexts. Like stopping suddenly in an isolated space and creating a situation where a woman may feel trapped. I’m not saying he was out to kill me.

In this instance, though, she was following him.
What could the poor sod have done about that?

There was nobody around at the time - read the post

But you're the one who changed direction to follow him.

"Walking while male"

I’m so sorry you experienced this, how awful 😔 your username feels very apt! I am so glad you are okay x

I don't think, speaking as a man, it would cross my mind not to stop if I needed something out of my bag if a woman was walking behind me or towards me - like most people I'm not all that interested in my fellow pedestrians, save for not walking into them.
Walking back from work today I passed perhaps 12 people, I honestly couldn't describe them or even tell you if they were men or women in most cases.
I understand your cautious response, but I don't think its reasonable to expect others to change their quite reasonable movements either.

Read the post. I have walked past plenty of men on that route before who gave a nod and walked on. Even when I turned back and headed in their direction again as otherwise I’d miss school pickup.

He’s a big old wuss but the man wasn’t to know that he did do a very good job of pretending to be a scary dog! We don’t walk there in the dark anymore, though.

I agree men should be aware of how their presence impacts others around them. As a mother of 3 boys I have made sure they know to not walk / run behind women, to cross the road if approaching on a narrow pavement. To announce their presence in circumstances where it may be a surprise and to speak to anyone and everyone they pass with a hello and a smile.
I am not clear on what they would have done in the circumstance you describe. You started following him?

I've had to train my husband not to walk behind lone women in empty places eg cross the road and stay where they can see him etc. It just wasn't even on his radar which surprised me.

However, in this situation I'm not sure what the man actually did?

You turned around and followed him, then he stopped to get something from his backpack; and HE’S done something wrong? I am all for men being aware of women’s reasonable fears, but this certainly doesn’t seem to fit that category at all OP!

As a man I am aware of how women feel, and if I am behind a woman on a quiet street then I will cross the road or slow down to let her get some distance between us.

However, in this case, the man did nothing wrong. In fact, if anything, he was probably worried why this complete stranger looked straight at him as they passed, and then clearly changed direction to walk just several feet behind him.

😂😂😂

Because he's really not friendly and would actually find that much harder than just waiting or crossing the road. He doesn't 'do' people, fair enough.

You turned around and started following him! You're the weirdo!

A man can't look back at a woman who changed direction to follow him? Seems like a natural response to me.
A man can't get a drink out of his back in case some extremely anxious woman who has decided to follow him finds it dodgy.
This post is bonkers.

People struggle to act normally when they're trying to look normal. Yes, men should cross to the other side of the road on a dark night and not walk up quietly behind a woman but I can't think how he was supposed to know that opening his back pack would be a problem. What if he was looking behind him to check he wasn't holding anyone up before taking a drink? Was he supposed to stride forward robotically for the rest of the walk lest someone imagine there was something more sinister in his backpack? I'm sure if that happened the next thing would be another person saying he was striding too stridently or something. Not to make light of the very real problem and fear at the heart of this but no, this is not the way forward.

Christ on a bike… seems men can’t walk anywhere now without raising suspicion. If I was wary of someone I certainly wouldn’t turn and follow them.

I also agree in principle that men should be aware of the wider issues women face because of male violence. Therefore I’ve voted YANBU even though you are slightly here

However, this particular example is not a good one. You turned to follow him and he’s not allowed to stop?

@mildlysweaty I have read the post!
you started following him and he stopped to get something out of his bag ?!?!