All men should be aware of this

[mildlysweaty]

I went for a walk in the sunshine around the back of my child’s school before pickup today. Usually the odd dog walker passes by but it’s pretty remote/foresty. I do this walk often but never go fully into the woods bit alone - because I’m female.

I was walking towards the woods and a person with long hair was walking my way - wrongly assumed it was a woman but when I passed them I realised it was a man in his 30s. I’ve passed plenty of men before walking their dogs, generally they give a nod and carry on. I started to feel a bit uneasy so rather than continue in that direction, I stopped a little further then turned around and started walking back (same way bloke was going).

I was a few feet behind him when he looked back over his shoulder back at me, then he stopped (with his back to me) and started opening his backpack. I felt bad vibes, there was no one else around. I managed to speed walk past him and pretended to phone my husband and had my car key ready to use if needed but all was okay in the end, I then passed some women walking.

In all honesty it could’ve been totally benign but any decent man should know that this sort of behaviour is intimidating for a woman, who’s alone, especially with nobody else around.

To get to my point: ALL men should understand how women need to be programmed to be wary of them, and how they can help is by ensuring they aren’t doing anything that could feel intimidating. They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman, but any decent man should be aware and conscious of how their behaviour may impact. I have reminded my husband of this today. It took a while to shake the feeling from this afternoon.

if voting I guess YABU = men don’t need to know this
YANBU = yes they do need to know this, it’s a way they can help

I think he stopped and fiddled with his back back to show he wasn’t following you. I think he was trying to do exactly what you wanted. He stopped so he was no longer following you and then you turned and over took him.

I’m sure there are genuine cases where men have acted thoughtlessly and unintentionally intimidated a woman but this ain’t it as far as I can see. You followed him and seem perturbed that he had the audacity to get something out of his bag in your presence.

I am 100% with you on this. I walk around the fields and local bridles a lot with my two dogs and if I see a man who is not walking a dog or with a bike or clear hiking gear, I feel wary. I have a very large dog at the moment and feel safe enough to go anywhere but when I had smaller breeds I would avoid wooded areas and bridleways. I sometimes promise myself I shall have a large breed for ever as I love the dewing of protection she gives me-it's awesome, but physically I find it challenging now I'm getting on a bit.

So men aren't allowed to get anything - a snack, medication, a drink, a map out of their backpack when they need it, because a woman might feel uncomfortable? Yeah, no no one has to prioritise you feeling safe over their own basic needs.

Maybe my opinion is biased by growing up rural and feeling far more comfortable in the woods on my own than a crowded city but I genuinely do not understand the risk assessment that goes on in some people's heads.

How likely is it that the suburban woods are going to be teaming with axe murderers on a sunny afternoon???

Except that it was OP who decided to turn around and follow him. If imagine there is nowhere to cross on a woodland path and if he just stopped dead when first encountering OP so as not to walk past her, shed find it similarly terrifying. From where I am standing, he didn't have any choice but to stop and pretend he needed something from his bag to let the OP pass him. I'd do the same if someone turned around to follow me - man or woman.

A man is at a far greater risk of violent crime so maybe he was reaching for his pepper spray or something. People walking near them ought to be aware of this.

My mum had a streaker approach her in the woods years back, and our German Shep cross snarled at him until he turned away and ran, the dog had never snarled before or since. Dogs are amazing.

I understand your feelings. I've felt the same. It is sad that we have to be aware of these things as women, and men do need more understanding of this. Not sure this was a good example though. My first thought was that he stopped right away in order to put you at ease, i.e. let you get past and ahead of him without having to speed up or walk parallel. I don't think he did anything wrong.

What did he do wrong except be male? You were the one changed direction

I think the way you’ve written your post is a bit confusing and that’s why you are getting sarcy responses.
This has been discussed many times before on here but of course not many men come here to read what women think. Many posters will tell you their dh/ds will cross the road consciously as to not intimidate the females… Many men in real life-don't. But they are just dog walking and nodding and it’s fine…

I was out for a run today. A bloke came out of the woods/trees in a park next to the road where I was and startled me. He didn’t follow me - he actually crossed the road! Then a few mins later a short man in painter trousers appeared opposite me. He was taking up all the pavement, staring at me… I had to go on the grass, as far from him as possible, and sped as much as I could.

Pricks will be pricks - they are ‘aware’ of intimidating you and they don’t mind. I think a lot of it is due to testosterone and the need to prove themselves as important, and small brains have no chance to keep that under control.

There was never a point wherever man was following her. He walked past her going in the opposite direction. OP the decided to turn around and follow him. Then she came on here whinging because he stopped to get something from his back pack.

I'm with you OP.
For your safety you had no choice but to turn back towards the populated area.
You kept your distance behind the man. If he'd had an ounce of awareness, when he turned round and saw you behind him, he would have kept on going to maintain the distance.
Boys need to be taught this in schools.

Maybe he was going in his backpack to get out his phone because he wanted to call his husband to say, "There is a creepy woman who walked past me in the woods, and then changed direction to follow me and is now staring at me."

He has done nothing wrong, but it sounds like you have some issues that you should talk to someone about. And also, stop following men around the woods.

Lot of gaslighting going on in this thread. Humans are hardwired to detect danger. Anxiety and threat detection is important for survival. Sometimes we get it wrong, but we have evolved to have “better to be wrong than dead” instincts.

These threat appraisals often go out outside of conscious awareness (or they begin there). Gut feelings are often based on something real and should always be listened to. We often get it right. If most women are honest with themselves they have had an experience before when they could just tell something was “off” about a situation with a man they didn’t know

I think I feel like it doesn't really help though. Kind of like 'cross the road if you're behind a woman at night'. It might increase your comfort in the moment but it doesn't really address any of the actual male violence against women's and girls.

Increasing comfort in the moment is quite helpful for a frightened women though?

I think you’re being unreasonable. Regardless of this man’s creepiness you’re arguing that all men should be aware of the potential to unnerve lone women. So a perfectly normal man shouldn’t be able to stop to retrieve a phone / flask / bar of chocolate from his bag if there’s a woman walking behind him. I think that’s an unreasonable restriction.

"I was a few feet behind him "

She didn't keep her distance though

Totally unreasonable!

If this doesn't happen to you all the time (which you said wasn't the case) I think you are probably right that something was dodgy about him and that he might have had bad intentions but then thought better of it.
I'm not paranoid at all and I think most people (including men) are pretty decent so the rare times I do get a creepy feeling I tend to listen to it. Something was off with him stopping to (pretend?) look in his backpack. Happy you got home safely.

Sorry, what exactly did he do wrong? You were very rightly on your guard as a lone woman, but that doesn't make him guilty of anything.

Your fearfulness about the guy opening his bag seems extreme to me, @mildlysweaty , so does your claim that you never go into the woods alone because you are female.

I recommend that you start going 'fully into the woods'. I think that the avoidance behaviour that you are stuck in is reinforcing and magnifying your fear in the manner that CBT reveals and tries to unpick.

I regularly walk in local woodland. Avoiding it because of the mere possibility of being attacked by a man seems about as sensible as refusing to cross roads because of the possibility of getting hit by a car.

Sorry OP I do understand and agree with the broader point that its possible to feel suddenly and inexplicably frightened of male behaviour.. but this this bloke really did nothing wrong as far as I can tell.

He stopped and got something out of his bag. It probably didn't cross his mind that this would unsettle you. It wouldn't have crossed my mind to think a man was up to anything because he stopped to get something out of his bag and I don't think he should have been on notice to self-police because there was a woman around.

With all kindness this degree of anxiety is unusual.