AIBU to find 'feel free to still go' rude and condescending?

[Crazystupididea]

Not sure if I’m just being over sensitive but my friend & I had arranged to go for a day out with our kids tomorrow. I messaged her to confirm the time we would meet and she replied back saying she had double booked but to ‘feel free to still go without her’

Am I the only one who finds it really rude and quite condescending when people say that?!?

Like I don’t need her permission to take my kids on a day out that I’ve already booked and paid for just because she’s bailed.

AIBU? Not the first time she’s done this so maybe I’m just being sensitive.

I’d just take it to mean ‘don’t wait until I’m free to go, I won’t be upset if you go anyway’, but then my friends aren’t arseholes, and I like them, so I wouldn’t feel the need to take offence and assume I’m being given ‘permission’ to go.

It’s rude and condescending. Where is the apology?

It's not the best is it OP. Will you go?

It's a fairly common phrase I wouldn't read too much into it but I would be irritated at being bailed on.

Yeh that’s annoying.

Yeah I’d be tempted to reply “thanks for your permission hun 🙃 “

I see your point it is a bit condescending, like you'll wait another however many weeks until she may deign to accompany you.
Only she's so benevolent she's giving you permission not to.

Tbh i wouldn't be making any more plans with her, she should give you more notice unless its an emergency, but definitely apologise. She's got no manners frankly.

It just feels so insincere!! I’ve already paid for my family’s tickets so I will still go but the kids are disappointed that their friends won’t be there.

It's a bit clunky but I guess she's just trying to say "don't feel you have to wait for me."

I'd be more pissed off that she'd double booked and left it to the last minute tbh.

So what did you actually say to her? Did you ask why she was honouring the other booking of her double-booking, rather than her arrangement with you? Did you point out that you’d bought tickets and your children were disappointed?

Let’s face it OP she’s had a better offer! Has she been flaky before? Are you aware of where you are on each others friendship hierarchy?

It simply means 'i wont be upset if you still go / I don't expect you to rearrange and wait for me'.

If she has genuinely just realised that she's double booked has she bought tickets for her family? Maybe you can get her tickets and take another friend - perhaps they would pay something towards them so she's not so out of pocket? Or is she talking shit, not bought tickets and just stringing you along until she got a better offer?

I think I would be more annoyed at her accepting a better offer and ditching you.

But yes, her phrasing is annoying. She should have been apologising to you for breaking a commitment, not condescend to you.

She’s not going to the same thing as OP.

The double booking sounds like an excuse, she’s accepted a better offer. Awful behaviour.

I don't buy anyone is scatty enough to double book two paid days out. She's clearly had a better offer. Absolute CF!

I would be going back and saying don’t be so rude of course I am going to go. As this is not the first time you have let me down I won’t be asking you to anything again as me and the kids are obviously not as important as your other booking

i cant stand people who let others down last minute for a better offer

Not much of a friend is she, she should have apologised

That. I'd be annoyed that she'd flaked and disappointed my kids, but the wording is pretty standard and I'd think nothing of it.

Rude that she didn't apologise. I wouldn't have read anything into the "feel free to go.." phrase. I've used it before, but not to "give my permission" (wtf) but to indicate there's no expectation on my part for them to hold off on previously-planned trips, just because I can't make it.

I'm trying to think of a better way to phrase it now I know some people apparently read it as a command.

This. Text her and ask her, say you've another (nicer) friend who wants to go, and could she sell her the tickets??

I'd be annoyed at her flakiness and would be unlikely to make future arrangements with her.

I'd still take the kids anyway.

I don't think anyone's reading it as a "command" - it really is a permission, as OP and others have said.

I'm not sure if I'd be overly offended, but I might jokingly say "that's awfully gracious of you, dear" to take the piss a bit.

Yes, it’s particularly rude because the event is booked and paid for. Of course you’re still going to go anyway, regardless of whether she’s coming or not, because you don’t want to waste the money.

If it was something that hadn’t been booked and paid for, then it’s possibly a little less rude, as there might have been a conversation along the lines of “shall we go Sunday instead?” etc and the “feel free to go without me” is just letting you know that there is no need for that, she’s not interested in going.

Of course, it’s rude that she’s bailed anyway, and especially that she didn’t let you know in advance but waited until you messaged her to confirm the time.