AIBU to find 'feel free to still go' rude and condescending?

[Crazystupididea]

Not sure if I’m just being over sensitive but my friend & I had arranged to go for a day out with our kids tomorrow. I messaged her to confirm the time we would meet and she replied back saying she had double booked but to ‘feel free to still go without her’

Am I the only one who finds it really rude and quite condescending when people say that?!?

Like I don’t need her permission to take my kids on a day out that I’ve already booked and paid for just because she’s bailed.

AIBU? Not the first time she’s done this so maybe I’m just being sensitive.

@Crazystupididea

In the bit where she explained about the "double booking" did she say sorry? I can't imagine that she didn't.

That bit of her reply isn’t the rude bit it’s that she only let you know she wasn’t coming when you messaged her so hadn’t bothered to book anything or put it in her diary after arranging it with you. That’s the bit I’d be upset about not the waffly end bit of her reply

I don’t find saying that is rude but the double booking and cancelling is

YANBU

Your friend is s a CF. Instead of apologising and asking to rearrange with you, she's saying you have permission to still go to the venue without her. Who does she think she is?

She's not much of a friend. The fact she waited to let you know she double booked herself only when you messaged her is rude of her.

I'd be tempted to message her and say, "Thanks for letting me know at such short notice. Have a lovely day 😊" I wouldn't bother contacting her again after that. Your friend is rude and thoughtless and is all about herself. The fact she double booked herself then chose the other event says it all.

Definitely this. Go and have a lovely time @Crazystupididea .

I’d be annoyed at the flakiness not the expression. If the circs where different like she was suddenly ill an couldn’t go then I think saying that is a way of saying don’t feel bad that we’d planned to do this together, you still go. I don’t think to say it in that or similar context is condescending or rude.

Totally this

Sounds to me like she never wanted to go. She doesn't want you to postpone ie "wait for her" because she isn't interested in going.
Annoying and disappointing because she told you last minute .

I must admit that I've used the phrase before as a polite way to say "im not interested".

I’d be more offended by the vague ‘double booked’

It’s the time it’s said that’s rude.
If you were talking about this trip a month ago and it was something you suggested but she said that’s not my thing so we’ll skip it but feel free to go, then as pp have said she’s saying you go , don’t wait for us to be interested.

saying it after saying she’s double booked ( something else came up that was more interesting than you and your family ) is particularly annoying.

That would irritate me too.

She’s not a reliable person and sounds like not much of a friend either. I’d take the “double booked” with a grain of salt. I doubt she booked and paid for 2 different events, so the reality is that she chose to let you and your kids down. And to add insult to injury, she didn’t even have the consideration to let you know she wouldn’t be going. You had to find out at the last minute when you’d already bought the tickets. You go and have a great day out with your kids and no way would I arrange anything with her in the future. She’s clearly let you know where you stand with her, so be wise and listen.

Very rude. If I were your friend and had to bail (not that I would ever do this!), I would be explain the issue, be massively apologetic, and might say something like ‘hope you and the kids have a great time.’ NOT ‘feel free to still go’!

She sounds very flakey. Who needs flakey friends ?

I think the phrase is clumsy and what she may be trying to say is ‘please don’t worry about going without me’ as in she’s not looking to postpone.
I do think the fact that she has dumped you for a better offer is more annoying and would piss me off more than the comment.

It is annoying, but I’d be more annoyed at her bailing last minute, especially if she’s done it before. I would hesitate making more plans with her.

This is the sort of thing my friend says all the time and it’s irritating. I’ve recently stopped making plans with her. When we were younger, she’d also try to push me to contact a different friend to reorganise the day and often I’d just want to cancel and be left alone. I always feel like the apology is missing - if you’ve no option to bail, just apologise and own it.

Only you know your friend. "Double booked" might just be a way to cancel without having to explain some awkward circumstances which are the real reason. Mental health issues, physical health, relationship issues, money issues, she forgot to book, hidden difficulties?
Did she say what her "double booking" was? Was she apologetic? This is the problem with messages too - the tone can be misinterpreted.
I wouldn't take offence at the phrase that is irking you - it can be interpreted in several ways.
As she is a repeat "offender" I wouldn't rush to pay for booked activities again, unless you and your DC are happy to go without them.

I think the double booking is rude. Do people not have diaries or calendars?
Saying feel free to go is a way of saying don’t wait for her. Of course you don’t need anybody’s permission to go.
It could also be a way of her saying she isn’t that bothered about going or seeing you.

I think you’re upset at the wrong thing here - she has clearly had a better offer (or can’t afford to go or forgot to buy the tickets etc). She has deeply let both you and your children down. I would not be bothering with her going forward.

A day out to legoland/altontowers/the zoo or whatever you planned is often an easier and more fun day for the kids when they go with friends, and this was what you planned only to be cancelled at last minute. Obviously you will go, but it’s a different experience now to what you and your kids were planning. This is what you should be miffed about. And that she prioritises you and your kids below her better offer.

I’d go, have fun, and just drop her completely. No-one messes my kids around more than once.

I think its extremely rude because it's a way of avoiding saying a simple "sorry, I cant make it now and I apologise that I've let you down at the last minute".

By saying what she did it implies she hasn't been an arse by cancelling and flaking on you. But she IS an arse so at least just admit it.

If this is a regular occurrence for her I'd stop making plans with her. Maybe next time she suggests anything, tell her "I cant make that but you feel free to go".

what did you say to her about the fact you’ve already booked and paid? That’s what would annoy me most

I'd take that as 'i won't be offended if you go without us'. Not sure how else she should answer tbh. If she said she just can't go, she might feel like she's letting you hang on for another date.

I might say that, or "please don't let it affect you" but I'd feel bad and be apologising a lot first. For me it would be guilt talking and acknowledging that I've messed up your day and don't want that for you. It's a kind of over explaining thing.

I wouldn’t be offended by the phrasing but I would reply and say “oh there’s no question of me waiting until you’re free as I’ve bought our tickets already”. Bit pass-agg but oh well!