AIBU to find 'feel free to still go' rude and condescending?

[Crazystupididea]

Not sure if I’m just being over sensitive but my friend & I had arranged to go for a day out with our kids tomorrow. I messaged her to confirm the time we would meet and she replied back saying she had double booked but to ‘feel free to still go without her’

Am I the only one who finds it really rude and quite condescending when people say that?!?

Like I don’t need her permission to take my kids on a day out that I’ve already booked and paid for just because she’s bailed.

AIBU? Not the first time she’s done this so maybe I’m just being sensitive.

Exactly. It’s just a saying.

YABU to find it “quite rude”. It’s very rude. Firstly to bail with a shit excuse and disappoint your kids who now won’t see their friends. Secondly to do it after you’ve paid, leaving you with Hobson’s choice. And yes, she was also condescending. She’s a crap friend OP.

Is she always so rude and dismissive?

I have a friend who would say something like this if she's had to flake on an arrangement, and even though it comes from a good place, it drives me bonkers!

However, cancelling last minute like that without a proper apology does seem very rude.

If I really want to be rude and dismissive I tell someone "you have my permission to ..." in a teacher voice.

My sister has form for doing this. I find it incredibly patronising. I will ditch you because of more exciting opportunity but its OK you can still go and do less good arrangement.

I feel like people are missing the point by saying the phrase isn’t rude but the cancelling is. It’s the very fact the phrase is used in the context of cancelling that makes it rude..

i.e. I’m totally dropping you in it but disingenuously pretending I’m being reasonable by saying feel free to still go…

Flaky friends can do one. You deserve better OP

Yes, exactly. Doesn't she have a diary/calendar?

She's incredibly rude and thoughtless. I think I'd reply with this emoji 🙄 and not bother with her again.

I find the use of "booked" in these situations very smug. I once casually asked a fellow school mum if they were up to much in the half term holiday and she said, "we're completely booked up!" Good for you! 🧐🤷🏻

I hate the term "feel free" before saying anything at all. It makes my skin crawl.

Well, yes I agree that there should have been notice. But I'm assuming she completely forgot (as obviously if she hadn't, she wouldn't have double booked herself in the first place!).

And of course she should have apologised. I also assumed she had, and OP has left this part out. Did she OP?

It's not a situation I've ever been in tbh, but I'm very non-confrontational and hate to put anyone out, so I'm in agreement. I don't think there's really any better way to say 'you still go' though, assuming she apologised. It's saying 'don't let me hold you back' in case they think they'll go on another day instead.

Yeah that's how I would look at it too! Rather than rearranging, go enjoy it anyway.

Although of course disappointing and when they say they have double booked, it can make you feel like the second choice! (depending on what the other thing is)

I'd find it annoying, patronising and self important (as well as flaky obviously which i hate).

It's bad enough that she's letting you down last minute and not even apologising. But the "feel free to go without me" is irritating. It sounds like thinks she's doing you a favour. You don't need her permission. If you still want to go, you will go.

It similarly irritates me when you get the child free wedding invitations (I'm not complaining about child free weddings themselves) saying "we're giving you the night off to enjoy yourselves". No you aren't giving me anything you condescending cunt. I can have a night off any time I arrange and pay for a babysitter and that's down to my efforts not yours.

If she double booked the fact she’s choosing the other ‘booking’ over yours shows what she thinks of you. She’s not a friend she’s a user. I’d phase her out after this.

I also agree with the other poster. I hate child free wedding invites. It’s upsetting to the children when they know they haven’t been invited and hard to explain to them.

Yes it is context dependent (fine if you still had a genuine option not to go and it was something they had been wanting you to wait to do with them); but in this case it is rude.

It is an attempt to diminish how much they have disrupted your plans, but ironically in a pre-paid situation it actually emphasises it, as not going would mean you lost the tickets.

So much better for people to have the backbone to say " I realise that is probably disappointing for your dc and I am really sorry."

Sounds like she's not a friend

This! Then we she says oh I hadn't booked the tickets yet, you can feel free to tell her to have a lovely day with her better offer!

Ugh. This thread took me straight back to those days outs with mums who you just arranged with because your kids got on. Some of them were just absolute arseholes. I had over the years combinations of: braggy, competitive, pretentious, not bothered, indulgent parenting, insecure, zero-discipline, no sense of humour, zero conversation… I wouldn't go back to that for anything.

What you put up with for the sake of your kids!

She’s not your friend op. I’d be pissed off with how easily she waved you away.

Yeah same as someone who didn't invite my son/she's a close mum friend to her son's birthday. To which she proceeded to tell me about the 3 parties he's having, and said I shouldn't worry as X party is next week. Lol

I’ve already paid for my family’s tickets so I will still go but the kids are disappointed that their friends won’t be there.

That’s what I would reply. You need to show some annoyance or people walk all over you.

I’d also say “double booked where? We’ve had this arranged for ages.”

Yes to this. The first line especially.

And then to give permission to go. Sod that.

Sorry, it was late and I used the wrong word. (Not for the first time, apparently, considering "feel free to go..." is also wrong.)

Anyone know of a better non-wordy, non condescending, non-granting-permission sounding way of telling someone that, although you can no longer join them on a pre-planned trip, you don't expect them to hold off on the trip just because you aren't coming any more, and they should go anyway if they want to?

You just write that. .. but surely if you have to cancel you would rearrange

Yes rude and disrespectful as well as annoying. I’d take it that the subtext is she doesn’t want to go at all. I wouldn’t be arranging anything else with her. Sadly this friendship might have come to an end,